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Happy 5768 (Again)

    Vodka Mom has me thinking about what exactly constitutes a “new year.” As a MOTT (member of The Tribe) I get the Jewish New Year benefit. We don’t make resolutions per say, but we do throw perfectly good food in the lake (typically rice or Wonder Bread for we reformed Jews) to symbolically purge our sins. This works well for me, because I don’t have to articulate said sins, I can just grab a few handfuls, chuck ‘em in, and feel the squeaky clean slate of a clean conscious. For a nanosecond. Until the sin-cycle… Read More »Happy 5768 (Again)

    All Points Bulletin: MISSING CERVIX

      Ladies? Menfolk. Did you know a woman can go to her check-up and have the doctor casually mention that he can’t find the cervix?!? It’s not as though the doctor doesn’t know where to look. Its not as though the doctor can choose different routes based on fastest or most direct (or back roads, Heavens to Betsy!). One friend of mine was enduring heavy labor, ready to push out her third child and her OB/GYN said “Sorry. We can’t find your cervix” Being in the throws of contractions and general fuckyou-a-tude she responded “No, I’m… Read More »All Points Bulletin: MISSING CERVIX

      Ode to 2-year-old (no longer sufficiently scrapbooked)

        Your “birthday book” letter now overdue, I’ve something to confess to you.Where thoughtful prose once took form, sardonic commentary is the new norm. My intentions of sweet reflections, get deflected in all directionsAs I inhale and exhale bloggity-blogI fear my days of recording and memory-hoardingHave vanished in a Oprah-esque fog I love you intenselyBoth fiercely and gentlyYet somehow vaguely when it comes to detailI pledge to stay astute in working your yearly tribute(Whilst blog-commenting and sending email) Who knows if the minutia of toddler daysHolds the interest of grown children anyways…Perhaps the ancient imprint of… Read More »Ode to 2-year-old (no longer sufficiently scrapbooked)

        Mizrahi on Morning Edition

          I listened to Isaac Mizrahi interviewed on Morning Edition this morning. Liane Hansen interviewed him about how one can be a “fashionista on a bargain-ista budget.” I love Isaac (Scarlett Johansen boob incident notwithstanding), though I doubt his bargain-savvy. This is what I gleaned: a) Wear as high a heel as humanly possible [making even the dumpiest woman look classier, skinnier, whatever-ier] Maybe a 12” heel navigates well in 12” of snow. I’m going to look so HOT in my stiletto moon boots, teetering around with the boys. b) Clean out my closet [and get… Read More »Mizrahi on Morning Edition

          BREAKING NEWS: NEW REALITY SHOW “BATZILLA”

            You know that reality show, Bridezilla that showcased brides-to-be blindly stumbling towards becoming divorcees? Or perhaps you preferred the show featuring desperately wealthy parents failing to impress their children, after surprising them with a sweet sixteen gala, hosted by Hef at The Playboy Mansion Grotto? Well a new reality show just launched in my mind featuring…young tweens becoming…MEMBERS OF THEIR CONGREGATION!! (cue gong) Meet, 12-year-old Ann [cue Price Is Right theme] Wearing a skirt two sizes too big, and sporting a partial-perm in her quasi a-symmetrical hairdo (on the long side covering her eye) just… Read More »BREAKING NEWS: NEW REALITY SHOW “BATZILLA”

            I might possibly be trying too hard…

              When my attempt at wholesome non-screen activities results in a volcano that looks like a manatee dingdong. My son didn’t even want to touch it. We watched three vinegar/baking soda eruptions and he politely requested the ‘real hot lava.’ Any time I start talking really fast, and over heating, and laughing in a too-high octave, and over-explaining. I wish someone would yank me off stage with a cane before I go any further, but of course I can’t stop myself. It reminds me of going to see this mime, Avner The Eccentric, off Broadway in… Read More »I might possibly be trying too hard…