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Almost-Five’s Almost Soccer

    Allison introduces herself in full stage-voice and mentions that she likes rainbows. All the other children hide behind their parents. Except Nigumi. When prompted by her father “What’s your name?!” she slaps him across the face. Hard. He laughs nervously, smiling. She does not return his smile. During drills, Allison announces apropos of nothing “sometimes I get itchy” During stretches the instructor tries to get A5 to straighten his knees. He can’t. His posture looks like mine. Welcome to the family of tin-men, my first-born son. The instructor tries to “help” and A5 yelps “OW!”… Read More »Almost-Five’s Almost Soccer

    U.S. Sees Surge in Anti-Peanut Sentiment

      In recent years, the U.S. experienced a historic rise in anti-peanutism . Severe childhood allergies have exorcised peanuts out of schools across the nation, and have spurned mass peanut-profiling on food packaging. Most recently, salmonella-tainted peanuts incited recall-hysteria, sickening children and frightening peanut-providing parents everywhere. Consequently, the peanut community reports a spike in anti-peanut sentiments as exemplified by this piece of graffiti found in one of America’s nuttiest enclaves: As devastating as this is for the peanutty-segment of our population, tree-nuts see their opportunity to finally dominate the nut-butter market. Apparently tree nuts have not… Read More »U.S. Sees Surge in Anti-Peanut Sentiment

      Wednesday Words of Wisdom

        My MIL likes to forward e-cautionary tips, and all manner of advice for hysteria-loving folk. Below review some safety tips I pray none of us ever need utilize: Stay the hell away from conversion vans period (serial killers) Don’t sit alone in your car in a dark parking lot balancing your checkbook (or counting huge stacks of cash, or appraising diamonds) If someone locks you in a trunk kick out the taillights, poke your arms through the holes, and wave them around madly to attract attention. Hopefully you attract the attention of people other than… Read More »Wednesday Words of Wisdom

        Totally Awkward Tuesday: Trophy Wife Edition

          My friend Kate and I cashed in our respective “Get Out of Jail free” cards for a mom’s weekend away in NYC. We tore it up—shopped until we dropped in SOHO, took in a show (Avenue Q), gorged on NYC finest lox and bagels and late night pizza, and wished we had at least one more day. My Aunt and Uncles’ 50th wedding anniversary party provided the catalyst for the trip. It took place in an exclusive club—exclusive as in private and exclusive as in a median age of 75. My step-mother fell ill and… Read More »Totally Awkward Tuesday: Trophy Wife Edition

          Bloggy Continuing Education Courses

            In order to remain a licensed Social Worker I need to complete a specified number of continuing education credits over the next two years. While perusing the menu of cultural competency, ethics, substance abuse, mental illness, and other various and sundry human tragedies, my mind drifted back to bloggyland. If bloggy certification existed, what mini-courses might I find helpful… Bloggy Bipolarism: I’m a comic genius, no I’m an imbecile. I’m a comedy blogger, no I’m a mom-blogger. Perhaps I’ll try crafting! Negotiating your inner bloggy-balance. Battling Bloggy Butt-Broadening: And you thought the secretary spread was… Read More »Bloggy Continuing Education Courses

            Just Say Yes

              Yes, you can watch a fourth episode of Diego while my half-pot of coffee takes effect. Yes, you can eat an entire package of Starburst before lunch if you will stop that incessant whining. I realize I administered warnings of consequences and time outs, but now I opt for immediate gratification—for both of us. Yes, you can stay up an extra half-hour watching Transformers on Daddy’s I-Phone, as long as Mommy is off-duty. Yes, you can run around naked even though you’re not potty-trained (but NO get that toy OUT of your butt) Yes! I… Read More »Just Say Yes

              America’s Next Top Daughters

                Congratulations Malia and Sasha! Much of the country holds the highest of hopes for your Dad. Of course, a portion of the country hungrily anticipates his fall from grace. All of the television-viewing audience eagerly awaits this next chapter of your life, catalogued by a new reality TV show, America’s Next Top Daughters. Our nation will fawn over your remaining year or two of childhood, mostly ignore your awkward pre-teen years in favor of scripted fare, and if America re-elects Barak Yopappa—enjoy your domination of the Nielsen ratings with some seriously tabloid-worthy teen-Queendom. Go ahead… Read More »America’s Next Top Daughters

                Dear I-folk,

                  Kudos on the ubercool, high-tech, user-friendly I-phone! Now, could you please shine some of your high-functionality light on a product so complex, so mystifying that man has yet to crack its highly encrypted code? Now I realize that kitchen gadgetry isn’t exactly your area, but I NEED A GODDAMN CAN-OPENER. I don’t want a bulky counter-top appliance that unwittingly uses $100 dollars of energy per month. I tried the revolutionary safe opener that removes the lid by breaking the glue seal from the can. I found it effective on approximately one can, amongst a pantry-full… Read More »Dear I-folk,

                  Tipper Gore, Where Are You?!?

                    Those blasphemous Wiggles have finally done it. THE BIG RED-tricked out-hoopdee-CAR-riding pimps crossed a line with their cover of Mother Goose’s “Hot Cross Buns.” The mere existence of subsequent verses following the standard “one-a-penny two-a-penny” stanza raises suspicion. When paring the suggestive lyrics with subversive choreography (flirtatious curtseying and hand flourishes), the motive seems abundantly clear. The Wiggles flaunt their sexuality and objectify their female ensemble members at the expense of America’s youthiest-of-youth. Take a gander at these explicit lyrics from their recent DVD release “Sing A Song of Wiggles” Hot Cross Buns: Attractive Young… Read More »Tipper Gore, Where Are You?!?