Ladies? Menfolk. Did you know a woman can go to her check-up and have the doctor casually mention that he can’t find the cervix?!? It’s not as though the doctor doesn’t know where to look. Its not as though the doctor can choose different routes based on fastest or most direct (or back roads, Heavens to Betsy!).
One friend of mine was enduring heavy labor, ready to push out her third child and her OB/GYN said “Sorry. We can’t find your cervix” Being in the throws of contractions and general fuckyou-a-tude she responded “No, I’m 10cm, been here before, READY TO PUSH” but, apparently she must’ve left her cervix in the car, or back in the booth at the restaurant of something, because they just plain couldn’t find the old gal. Considering not one, not two, but THREE of my friends—that’s multiple friends—informed me of missing cervix incidents, I think its time to declare a federal state of emergency. Instead of an Amber Alert, we’ll send out a…a…Code Cervix? A Public Cervix Announcement?
Let me clarify, in case I’ve caused any confusion. These women still possess their cervices. Medical personnel simply cannot locate them. Do they float around? I mean how much room are we talking here? Where can they possibly go? I’m flummoxed, my friends. Do our internal organs have carte blanche to just willy-nilly around in there? I mean God forbid you have to have a colonoscopy, and the doctor casaully mentions “Sorry, can’t find your colon.” Here you are a functioning, healthy human, walking around minding your own buisness, and whoops..that’s strange…can you come back next week?
A public cervix announcement.
🙂
I wish I’d said that.
I’m a bit confused by this as well. I’ve never had my cervix go missing — as far as I know! — but you’d think it wouldn’t get far, right?
Pearl
OMG! I’m afraid that the next step would be to keep a current picture of one’s cervix (gulp!) on hand so that the authorities can put out that bulletin.
When our son was born the docs couldn’t find my wife’s cervix either. They all took turns diggin’ around in there trying to locate it. After a couple of days they did a C section. They were all impressed that she’d even managed to get pregnant considering she was missing such a key piece of anatomy.
Right?! Right, Pearl. Right.
Beth. Good idea.
IB, epidemic I tell you!
That would have been an interesting announcement over the PA systemin the hospital….
Where would it GO????
That is a weird thing to go missing. But I think a Public Cervix Announcement is a great idea!
Brilliant!
I’ve never heard of such a thing! Crazy.
Public Cervix Announcement indeed.
Oh dear….Kind of funny that to post this comment, my word verification word is “ingeste!” Ha!
Missing cervix I would mind. Missing 20lbs I would love.
I haven’t had a male gynocologist since I was 18.
At this point, should a male gyno actually have access to “the zone” I’m certain my cervix would flee to the car and hide in the back seat.
Ann, I’m not a whore. I’m not a whore. Do you have any idea how often I say this? hee hee
OMG I just read Beth’s comment and visualized of the side of a milk carton.
Missing. 47 year old womans dissappeared 12/30/08. If you see this cervix, please contact the authorities immediately.
Your comment section is as hilarious as your blog.
See, I’m helping you with your “hoaring”.
Hey, my word verification was egg. I couldn’t spell it cuz I can’t remember what they are.
Speaking as one of Ms. Rants’ friends who’s cervix has gone amiss, I have to agree: SOMETHING IS GOING ON HERE. Mine turned up a few minutes later, but I’m afraid it was hanging out with Liza Bean Biter in Pearl’s driveway having a smoke or something…. !!
I’m no expert at human anatomy (or any other anatomy for that matter), but my first thought is if the cervix isn’t THERE, what exactly would be THERE?
Just curious.
Braja. Yup, that would be a CODE:CERVIX. I think Amy’s got the right idea about Ms. Bitey of the Minnesota Biteys.
Thanks, Dizz!
I know, Kirsten! Freaks the heck out of a gal. I said HECK!
Esther. tee hee. Love the WVs
Comedy, thus the veil?
Charmaine x3, bless you and your comment whoriness. I’m such a whore for spelling it HOAR. WTF is wrong with me? HA!
Amy, you outed yourself. Yes, you were one of the three! See Braja above–totally Ms. Bitey
Lyndsay, confound it. I don’t know!!
This sounds like another thing you can guilt your kid about when you’re begging to live with them instead of being sent to a home!
Hilarious!
I have no doubt that if I’d gone to med school, this is exactly the kind of doctor I would be.
Hood Chick, Holy Paying Attention Awesome New Follower!!!! If you had a blog, I’d give you an award. Thanks a million!
Marinka, interesting point. Maybe the guy just needed a smoke break or something.
OMG i nearly said “I want a gyno like Marinka,” but that is TOTALLY just not going to work, is it???
Braja, That all depends on what you expect from your gyno I guess.
Reading this,I found myself freaking out wondering if mine is still in check. Can you physically self-check that? I don’t think I want to find out!!!
Just funny!!!
Its really beyond funny! I don’t even care if they see my cervix or not, although it never came up in casual conversation as i was spread eagle. I do get a good stretch while in the stirrups, good for when i go for a run afterwards. Works the thighs the best i think!!!
Goodnight!!!
I would quit my job as an OB/GYN in SHAME if I could not find the cervix. Maybe the next step is putting post-it arrows to direct the doctor where to go. My wife asks if I need the arrows as well.
I am reminded of being in college and going to annual exams at the Pre-Term Clinic. I was so unnerved I would take my boyfriend, Mr. Morrison, along – straight into the exam room. The doctor, possibly feeling the need to make small talk with him, usually asked if he “wanted to see her cervix.”
Many times there would be interns in the exam room as well – they all got a good look too.
In fact, if you lived in Brookline between 1986 and 1990 there’s a pretty good chance you’ve seem my cervix as well.
It’s still there – as far as I know.
Loved your poem by the way. I can never get more than a couplet together.
Hmmm…this epidemic hasn’t made it to Alabama yet, as far as I can tell, but it’s good to be prepared! Glad that everybody afflicted with this eventually recovered their missing parts.
Thinking of you, Do not attempt this at home 🙂
Michelle, I love it- look at the bright side, right?
Self-deprechan, GREAT name. Thanks for stopping by. Hilarious about the arrows.
Joanne, Wow. Daunting thought. Thanks about the poem, because I heart your poetry.
Coffee Cathy, I’m sure Pfizer is working on a vaccination. No worries.
Wow, I’d never thought that was possible. Perhaps a small tattoo of “cervix this way =>” would help things out.
happy new year to you and yours, ann 😀
Ann honey, did you bail out and leave me in the kitchen at Amy’s alone? I need a drink!!
Heinous…OUCH. My Lord, Man, have mercy.
Laughing wolf, you too, and thank you so much for following my blog.
Braja, you know me flitting around gesticulating. I’m working on it.
Are you kidding? You knew you can’t trust those docs…