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Quality Control

    Dear Parents of Party Attendees, In an effort to ensure satisfaction for next year’s event, kindly take a moment to provide your feedback from Five-Year-Old’s birthday party; A Celebration of My BirthfulnessPlease rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 meaning unacceptable, 3 meaning wah–wah–wah–mamby–pamby-can’t-make-up-my-mind, 5 meaning perfection) Dessert: Dairy free gluten free soy free sugar free Splenda free corn-syrup free fire-your-own crème brulee station(1-5)________My apologies again, for the pervasive burning hair stench. I don’t know how many times I told those little ladies to tie their hair back! Entertainment: Toddler Choir… Read More »Quality Control

    Bath Bombe Giveaway!

      Do you love bath products? I’m not speaking of the “clear the pool” and “make your own bubbles” variety. Have you ever encountered the luxury of a bath bombe? Ann, why on earth would I want to bomb(e) my bath? A bath bombe effervesces in your bath with wonderful fragrance and moisturizing oil, making your bath a spa-like experience. My sister-in-law, Stacie, has made them out of her home–from certified authentic, organic, and fair-trade ingredients–for a year or so now. We’ve enjoyed them immensely, as have her customers who purchase her bath bombes locally. So,… Read More »Bath Bombe Giveaway!

      Nightly

        9:00 pm fall asleep fully clothed while “reading” 9:30 pm Husband tries to extricate laptop from my warm embrace 10:00 pm Husband turns off light, I sit straight up “I’M AWAKE!” startling husband, who hits his head on closet door where he is rooting around for his jimmies (spell check’s word for male jammies I gather) 11:00 pm Dexter-The-Cat begins keening because a) he grieves his deceased Fur-Bastard brother, b) as a prelude to his “worm” breakdancing move, effective for hairball expulsion, or c) he demands Nine Lives (as in the catfood, but perhaps he… Read More »Nightly

        Annual Review

          Five: Mom, your overdue. Me: (submerged in second bowl of Trader Joe’s Oat Flakes) Wha-huh? Five: Its time for your annual review. Me: That’s private. But thanks for the reminder (dialing OBGYN) Five & Two: (…waiting expectantly) Me: (on hold with OBGYN…crunch, crunch, slurp) What? Five: We’ve created a few benchmarks to assess your job performance. It’s time for your review. Me: Hi, I need to make and appointment for my annual. SLURP.Yes I’ll hold…Two, don’t let your brother do all the talking. Two: View. Now. Phone. Food. Rude. Me: Not interested, boys. Thankyou. GULP,… Read More »Annual Review

          Suddenly Its Springish

            I jogged by a Robin this last week on a sleety jaunt around the neighborhood. She shook her head in disgust at a nearby cardinal, trying out his best Zoolander “Magnum” against the snow. The calendar says April, the weather says February. Winter in Wisconsin. Pfffft. Admittedly, bringing home the boys’ snow pants from preschool in March proved a bold move. I take responsibility. I apologize for jinxing my meteorological area. And yet spring officially sprung. Thursday I spent one of my 4.5 free hours boiling and peeling two-dozen eggs, in preparation for the preschool… Read More »Suddenly Its Springish

            Sneaking Around

              Today I’m sneaking around over at Tony’s from Life With Tony. I love the way Tony tells stories, and it’s refreshing to hear from a single dude once in a while. I felt honored when Tony asked me to guest blog, and wrote a post with his audience in mind. But no, its not about farts.

              Offensive (only to me) Content Warning

                I won a giveaway over at Jessica Bern’s site by sharing the most shocking thing anyone’s ever said to me. Remember that SNL sketch where people wanted to know the grossest thing they ever ate, and the angel at the pearly gates wouldn’t tell them? He would only tell them the 50th (or some odd) grossest thing, because the grossest thing would be way too upsetting. Given that I’ve blocked the top ten anyway, I now present… The 19th to 29th most offensive things ever said to me:“You’ll probably have to do this again in… Read More »Offensive (only to me) Content Warning

                Trainwreck…head on.

                  Parent and infant play groups. A place where new parents can cry and gorge on donut holes with other parents. Someone usually has a boob exposed. Everyone—weeks old or years old– takes turns spacing out. Babies, babies rolling around, or just hanging on their backs like overturned beetles…limbs flailing and no inertia. Four-week-old eyes cross Totally normal. Right? Right? A young lad sleep-startles himself awake Lookie, he waved! Did you guys see that? The seeds of parental pride begins to swell and sprout. Some parents have an especially rough time of it. Colic, postpartum depression,… Read More »Trainwreck…head on.

                  Dear Wife

                    (A response piece to my last post entitled “Dear Husband”) Dear Wife, Please write this on my behalf, as you already interrupt me, finish my sentences, and speak for me on a regular basis. Below please find a partial list of things I should’ve told you thirteen years ago: In my late twenties, I will decide that black is my favorite color and all I want to wear. I’ll decide you look best in black too. As a testament of my love for you, I will present you with a short-sleeved black t-shirt for your… Read More »Dear Wife

                    Dear Husband

                      Below please find a partial list of things I should’ve told you thirteen years ago: Birthdays in my family are a national holiday. As a boy who tried to hide upon receiving the annual “Happy Birthday To You” reverie, we may have some friction around this issue. For a decade or so. Especially over the black Banana Republic T-shirt you presented as my 30th Birthday present. Try not to freak out when you see gefilte fish for the first time. Big deal. You were practically raised on Jello salads, right? Mini marshmallows, congealed fish broth…same… Read More »Dear Husband