Bloggers! Friends! Readers! Circus Freaks! Tomorrow I take Just-Five and Two to sunny Florida for six days. Husband will have his hands full at home with The Fur Bastard and his obese litter mate, Dexter. Dexter is litter mate to Henry, not Husband. Just to clarify. In my absence I’ve prepared quite a bloggy bash. After reading “Yoga For The Rest of Us” last week, the hilarious Wendi Aarons emailed me a post she wrote about Yoga way back before she had readers. This inspired me to put together a “Great Posts You Probably Missed (Except You, Mom)” party.
Today we kick it off round-robin style. Below you’ll find Wendi’s fabulous post here on my blog. I posted over at Kelcey’s classy joint, The Mama Bird Diaries, and her post is at Wendi’s. Just follow the links and hopefully you’ll enjoy. Come back daily for posts you probably missed from some of your favorite bloggers. Oh, did I mention that Kelcey is a Journalist and published writer, Wendi is a published writer and both are hilarious? And now, from Wendi Aarons…
Namaste
Yoga Teacher:
Step back into the next pose and hold it.
Ready? Let’s stay here for eight breaths.
Now clear your mind…
My Mind:
Innnn. Ouuuut.
Wait–is it in through the nose and out through the mouth? Or the other way around? Why the hell can I never remember that? Damn. OK, let’s try nose ouuut, mouth innnnnn…no, no, that feels wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t be using my nose. Or is it I shouldn’t be using my mouth?
Or…oh, no. Is the teacher coming over here again? I knew when he left his fancy little mat the first time he was headed right for me and my CRAPASS Downward Dog pose. Which I HATE by the way. I HATE DOWNWARD DOG! There, I said it. I HAAATTTEEEE DOWNWARD FUCKING DOG!!!! Like it’s my fault I have extra-tight hamstrings. Some people just do, alright? Maybe it’s genetic…I think dad had them in the Army and…
Innnn…Good, he went to help that slutty girl over there who…wait, what am I doing? Clear the mind, clear the mind, clear the mind. OK, innn….innnn…shit, wrong way. Ouuuttt…. Ouuuuttt…Now, how in the hell is Ms. Panty Lines over there doing a perfect Downward Dog? I’m WAY thinner than she is. At least 10 pounds. Wait, wait, wait–yoga isn’t competitive, yoga isn’t competitive. But let’s be serious–I do a totally better Warrior Two pose than she does. Fat ass. Innn….
STOP THIS!! RELAX! THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE!! TO RELAX!!! OK OK OK! Clear mind, clear thoughts…we’re almost done…just concentrate on breathing and avert my gaze downward and…Jesus, will you look at my toes? No, they’re not toes, they’re frickin’ mushrooms stapled to a foot. Hairy Vienna sausages covered in dry skin and cat dander. For the love of Pete, I’m a fucking Hobbit. I have GOT to get a pedicure this week. Andif I do, those nasty nail girls better not make fun of me in Vietnamese again, either. Oh, yeah. I know you’re talking about me, trust me. So three words, ladies: Board of Health. Yeah, see how you like that, Thuy. Maybe then you won’t paint my toes Hooker Red and pretend you can’t read labels and…innn… ouuuttt.
What? We’re done? Already? Man, I feel so blissed out. That’s why I love yoga. It just totally clears your head.
To see my “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Playdate-Mommy break up letter, go over to The Mama Bird Diaries. Oh, and feel free to use it for your own gentle-yet-firm playdate breakup tool. Thanks for your patience. Please don’t trash the place too badly while I’m gone. xoxoxoxo
It’s a couple of in and outs for me and bang, it’s naptime.
Hey, this yoga crap sounds really relaxing. This is so, so funny. Did you get the pedicure?
Oh Ann – You have the same things going on inside your head as I do, and I thought I was going mad(der!)… Great stuff – and do hope you have a fab time in the Sunshine State, leaving hubby to drown in a sea of cat litter and furballs, while you are sunning it up with cheeseballs, I should imagine! x
Wendi just summed up why I’d rather run than do yoga. It doesn’t relax me at all. Thanks for making me feel *norml* (term used loosely, of course).
Enjoy yourself and thanks for the links!
You are the funniest hobbit I know. I’d say the cutest too, but that remains to be seen…
That’s hilarious! I think I even snorted!! However, the first time I actually take a yoga class (not that it’s any time soon, mind you) I’m probably going to start giggling when we do Downward Dog, cuz this post will pop into my head. Tee hee.
Ahaha. Reminds me not to wear panties to Yoga… 🙂
and god forbid you have a runny nose – turns down dog into a rain dance! Nice post!
Sometimes I sound like that and I am not even in Yoga class.
I recently had a pedicure, so maybe it’s safe to go back to yoga?
Thanks for the posting, Ann!
Simply hilarious!!!
See how stressful yoga can be? And what Beth said. Running all the way!!!
Wendi you’re always right on track.
And isn’t Downward Facing Dog the same position real dogs use to mate….Now I challenge you to go to your next yoga class with that visual.
Your welcome.
I’m flexible enough – but I just can’t get into the relaxing part of yoga. Once I went to a yoga class right after a cardio class – with the idea that I’d enjoy stretching and relaxing. Instead I had to concentrate on my toes, then my feet, then my calves. But I never made it past my toes. I can’t think about my toes with that level of intensity. I immediately noticed that they all touch – which made me c-r-a-z-y – so then I had to curl them up as tight as possible I could, you know, to avoid screaming – which is the opposite of relaxing. So I figure that if I can’t get past my toes – then yoga is not for me.
Ooooh Downward Dog…yeah, I H.A.T.E that one. My Mother-in-law looooooves it…and just raves about it…”I don’t know whhhhy you don’t like downward dog…I find it sooooo relaxing. Maybe you don’t go often enough.”
Ooops … outside voice!
I think you need to come to one of my classes. And I’VE GOT PINK.
It’s like The Amazing Race of the blogsphere! Do I get a prize for finding Wendi’s post? Was I first one? Oh shit, there are other people above me. Does this mean I’m disqualified? Crap!
Ha-ha! You’ve got Hobbit feet.
I kid.
When is Wendi not hilarious?
Ahahaha..this is so funny. I love these moments when I find that I’m not the only weird one in the world!
I just curse at the wii fit bitch while doing the palm tree . . . . sometimes known as palm-tree-in-a-hurricane . . . thanks for the hilarious post!