You’re Invited to a First-Person Four-Player Experience Called Movienite!
Who: You and your older brother.
What: Let’s All Stare at the Same Screen at the Same Time.
When: Tonight. Movienite. Let’s get it!
Where: The Elysian Fields of XBox Sweat, aka the basement sectional, aka the teen boy bassinet where you spend more hours than your actual bed.
Wear: Two-sizes too small Old Navy gym shorts, and no bath for three days. To unlock “ultimate comfort mode” kick off your shorts. Shorts are total trash, bro! Toss the cat around your neck like a pashmina.
Why: Three waking hours remain before we sleep, it’s 97 percent humidity outside, and your parents have given up. Yeet!
Bring: The bag of Twizzlers you smacked your brother in the face with, after he shoved them down his pants. Deeznuts! Make sure each Twizzler touches not only your hand, but also the blanket where your bare feet just were. Ration each Twizzler per player to power-up the “movie” ie six consecutive episodes of Parks and Rec. No one but Dad wants to watch yet another Wildest animal documentary, and no one but Mom wants to listen to her say everything about Say Anything.
Message from Host:
In preparation for this live first-person experience you must master the following:
LEVEL 1: Run from the dinner table after eating half a piece of this isn’t the good kind pizza. Fake two chomps on the crown of broccoli (Do not– DUDE. I REPEAT. DO. NOT. digest the crown of broccoli).
LEVEL 2: For maximum dinner kills, open and close the fridge, then hang from the open pantry doors yelling MOM DO YOU EVEN GO TO THE STORE.
LEVEL 3: Descend to the basement as your parents try to talk about their day, but keep getting interrupted by their total lack of energy. Your parents have no more lives. Your older brother is behind you NOOBSCRUB LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU charging the basement to play the keyboard, while you shriek at him to SHUT UP WITH THE KEYBOARD, BOI.
LEVEL 4: Duck your mother’s rapid-fire NO ONE ASKED TO BE EXCUSED while scanning the perimeter, as your father plummets to the basement to open a precious easter egg; the opportunity to make beautiful music with his sons.
LEVEL 5: Just as Dad plugs in his amp, storm back up the stairs and barricade yourself in your bedroom. For maximum damage, slam your door three time yelling I SAID STOP PLAYING THAT TRASH KEYBOARD AND THEN DAD FREAKING JOINS IN WITH HIS CRINGEY GUITAR.
LEVEL 6: Survey the hallway, avoiding your mom’s toxic gaze as she eats her pizza and your dad’s pizza and then probably even your leftover pizza gizzards. Pizza tastes like control (and she has zero, Bro).
LEVEL 7: Wait for your mom to stomp/sigh/descend to the basement. She will crush the family jam. Nooooiiice!
LEVEL 8: You have now cleared the area and may safely dominate the basement. Sick!
LEVEL 9: Drape yourself with the cat–you called the cat! Kick your mom in the face (oops! my bad!) as you beat her to the couch corner spot. You have slayed dinner, survived family jam, won the cat pashmina and have the good seat. Victory Royale!
LEVEL 10: Don’t forget the Twizzlers. It’s gonna be lit, fam.
I needed that laugh. Thanks.
“this isn’t the good kind pizza” LOLOL
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