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Just Say Yes

    Yes, you can watch a fourth episode of Diego while my half-pot of coffee takes effect. Yes, you can eat an entire package of Starburst before lunch if you will stop that incessant whining. I realize I administered warnings of consequences and time outs, but now I opt for immediate gratification—for both of us. Yes, you can stay up an extra half-hour watching Transformers on Daddy’s I-Phone, as long as Mommy is off-duty. Yes, you can run around naked even though you’re not potty-trained (but NO get that toy OUT of your butt) Yes! I… Read More »Just Say Yes

    America’s Next Top Daughters

      Congratulations Malia and Sasha! Much of the country holds the highest of hopes for your Dad. Of course, a portion of the country hungrily anticipates his fall from grace. All of the television-viewing audience eagerly awaits this next chapter of your life, catalogued by a new reality TV show, America’s Next Top Daughters. Our nation will fawn over your remaining year or two of childhood, mostly ignore your awkward pre-teen years in favor of scripted fare, and if America re-elects Barak Yopappa—enjoy your domination of the Nielsen ratings with some seriously tabloid-worthy teen-Queendom. Go ahead… Read More »America’s Next Top Daughters

      Dear I-folk,

        Kudos on the ubercool, high-tech, user-friendly I-phone! Now, could you please shine some of your high-functionality light on a product so complex, so mystifying that man has yet to crack its highly encrypted code? Now I realize that kitchen gadgetry isn’t exactly your area, but I NEED A GODDAMN CAN-OPENER. I don’t want a bulky counter-top appliance that unwittingly uses $100 dollars of energy per month. I tried the revolutionary safe opener that removes the lid by breaking the glue seal from the can. I found it effective on approximately one can, amongst a pantry-full… Read More »Dear I-folk,

        Tipper Gore, Where Are You?!?

          Those blasphemous Wiggles have finally done it. THE BIG RED-tricked out-hoopdee-CAR-riding pimps crossed a line with their cover of Mother Goose’s “Hot Cross Buns.” The mere existence of subsequent verses following the standard “one-a-penny two-a-penny” stanza raises suspicion. When paring the suggestive lyrics with subversive choreography (flirtatious curtseying and hand flourishes), the motive seems abundantly clear. The Wiggles flaunt their sexuality and objectify their female ensemble members at the expense of America’s youthiest-of-youth. Take a gander at these explicit lyrics from their recent DVD release “Sing A Song of Wiggles” Hot Cross Buns: Attractive Young… Read More »Tipper Gore, Where Are You?!?

          Thousand Word Thursday: Politically Incorrect Snacks

            Ok, I knew these fry guys would please the boys’ palates, but what emerged from my toaster oven scared me silly. Please help me caption this photo, and give our family a new name for our favorite side dish… A) Minstrel Munchies B) Our Name is Luca (We walked into the door again) C) Chemical Peelies D) Before “Bare Minerals” E) Tater-WTF are you feeding your-tots F) Nuclear Fall-Out Nuggets G) Commenter’s Caption–add yours below! A heartfelt thanks to Adlibby and Dizzblnd for the awards. More detail to follow…

            BREAKING NEWS: NATO NAPKEEPING AIDE ENLISTED

              NATO napkeeping forces were brought in at 12:30 CST to broker a fragile cease-crier. Negotiating a truce required concessions by both parties. 2-year-old agreed to desist the shoulder-fired-diaper missiles (in accordance with the NATO Napkeeping code of ethics) when threatened with story time sanctions. Mommy conceded her “last shred of sanity” for verbal negotiations, finally responding to repeated toddler distress calls. NATO forces created a temporary emergency nap-camp in “Mama’s Bed,” but toddler unrest in the form of eye-ball poking and PeekABoo forced both parties to abandon negotiations. NATO Allies hope to bring both parties… Read More »BREAKING NEWS: NATO NAPKEEPING AIDE ENLISTED

              Totally Awkward Tuesday: Donating My Body to Science

                Fresh out of college, I moved from liberal-college-town-USA to downtown Chicago. This was before the sketchy Walgreens on Clark and Division turned into an Anthropologie, and when I lived atop a crackhouse—but I leave that story for another day. As a responsible 22-year-old female, I made an appointment to get my annual pap at my neighborhood Planned Parenthood clinic. Donning my paper wrap-dress (flattering on any figure), a friendly middle-aged appropriately Gloria Steinem-esque doctor greeted me in the examining room. When she asked if I’d mind a medical student assisting in my examination, I proudly… Read More »Totally Awkward Tuesday: Donating My Body to Science

                CAUTION: EXTREMElybland WINTER SPORTS

                  Ahh, to enjoy all that subzero Wisconsin has to offer…skiing, ice-skating, snow-shoeing–endless opportunities to force your family into the frigid air (not Frigidaire—that’s something else entirely). Go on! Take advantage of the season. Let Mother Nature mock you with her beautiful scenery, as you make an ass of yourself in front of your loved ones. Its all worth it after you injure yourself, and ultimately crumple-up next to the fire with a tongue-scalding beverage, while your daily $15.00 of heat siphons out through the chimney. Let me tell you, the powdery mountains of Vail couldn’t… Read More »CAUTION: EXTREMElybland WINTER SPORTS

                  Safety Tips: Encountering Toddlerus Tantrumicus

                    Welcome to the natural habitat of the adorable, yet occasionally vicious Toddlerus Tantrumicus. As your guide, I feel responsible for protecting your safety and sanity. Please take the following precautions if you see one of our chubby little friends, and especially if you have a close encounter of the of the toddler-kind: Don’t show fear. Toddlerus tantrumi sense fear and use it to their advantage. Back away slowly. Chasing the toddleri as they do their circular tantrum ritual only results in dizzy, sweaty, winded adults. Shushing the toddlerus tantrumi only increases their decibel-level. Sometimes blasting… Read More »Safety Tips: Encountering Toddlerus Tantrumicus

                    Thursday Thoughts: Karma-Related Notes To Self

                      Remember how we scoffed at my in-laws neglect of the family cat? She was old and mangy. She looked malnourished, and they never took her to the vet. Now we have our own sweet little fur skeleton, waking us up with her Alzheimer-induced meowing. MEOW! MEOW…wait…did I already say that…MEOW MEOW, DAMMIT MEOW. Why did Janet and Chrissy always stuff their mouths so full when raving about Jack’s cream puffs? WE GET IT. Jacks a MAN and he can BAKE. This little bit of overacting/fake chewing drove me nuts even as a child. See Self!… Read More »Thursday Thoughts: Karma-Related Notes To Self