Exhibit A Even with Ira Glass in my ear buds, the view doesn’t exactly inspire… Exhibit B is closed and likely requires lasers at this point, and perhaps retin-A. Exhibit C is this blog template. Someone needs to pick up the clutter and let a little light in here. The docent tells me construction may begin over the weekend.
While the bathroom area of the homestead flaunts its neglect like a dust, hair, pee and toothpaste-glob homecoming corsage, other areas decline more gradually. I’ve serenaded you with songs of dirty bathroom and refrigerator woe, but now mine eyes suddenly feast upon squalor so offensive it necessitates swift action—namely, blogging. Join me and myself (I is far too busy right now) on a tour of our mid-century modern home: Myself: Ahhhh, nice open floor plan, lots of light and windows. Had they a couple hundred-thousand more dollars, these Dwellos (informal form of Dwellophiles, use with… Read More »The Booger Couch
Husband has a knack for injuring Almost-Five in the most innocently awkward and stupefying manner… T-ball: Husband shows A5 how to toss the whiffle ball up in the air with one hand, and bat it with the other. One…Two…THREE! Husband cracks whiffle ball straight into A5’s face. RecRoom: Husband accidentally steps on A5’s foot while playing in the basement. A5 wails and Husband scoops him up to comfort him, inadvertently smacking A5’s head on steel piping above. Doh! Lights Out: Loud thud reverberates through floorboards followed by “OOOOUUUCH!” Upon opening door into A5’s darkened quarters… Read More »Totally Awkward Tuesday: Awkward Injuries
The beguilingly hilarious Marinka emailed me yesterday, wondering if perchance I could muster up something to whine about as a featured whiner on her & Shallow Gal’s new blog, Secret Spineless Whine. Warning: Marley & Me Plot Spoiler! After doing my happy dance, I took a solemn moment and consulted my fourth eye (the one that whines at my third eye). You know who I found in there, down deep within my whinification-zone? Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson and their dead dog! Now, if knowing plot details about this new cinematic masterpiece will cause you to… Read More »Today I’m (not-so)Secretly Spinelessly Whining
Allison introduces herself in full stage-voice and mentions that she likes rainbows. All the other children hide behind their parents. Except Nigumi. When prompted by her father “What’s your name?!” she slaps him across the face. Hard. He laughs nervously, smiling. She does not return his smile. During drills, Allison announces apropos of nothing “sometimes I get itchy” During stretches the instructor tries to get A5 to straighten his knees. He can’t. His posture looks like mine. Welcome to the family of tin-men, my first-born son. The instructor tries to “help” and A5 yelps “OW!”… Read More »Almost-Five’s Almost Soccer
In recent years, the U.S. experienced a historic rise in anti-peanutism . Severe childhood allergies have exorcised peanuts out of schools across the nation, and have spurned mass peanut-profiling on food packaging. Most recently, salmonella-tainted peanuts incited recall-hysteria, sickening children and frightening peanut-providing parents everywhere. Consequently, the peanut community reports a spike in anti-peanut sentiments as exemplified by this piece of graffiti found in one of America’s nuttiest enclaves: As devastating as this is for the peanutty-segment of our population, tree-nuts see their opportunity to finally dominate the nut-butter market. Apparently tree nuts have not… Read More »U.S. Sees Surge in Anti-Peanut Sentiment
My MIL likes to forward e-cautionary tips, and all manner of advice for hysteria-loving folk. Below review some safety tips I pray none of us ever need utilize: Stay the hell away from conversion vans period (serial killers) Don’t sit alone in your car in a dark parking lot balancing your checkbook (or counting huge stacks of cash, or appraising diamonds) If someone locks you in a trunk kick out the taillights, poke your arms through the holes, and wave them around madly to attract attention. Hopefully you attract the attention of people other than… Read More »Wednesday Words of Wisdom
My friend Kate and I cashed in our respective “Get Out of Jail free” cards for a mom’s weekend away in NYC. We tore it up—shopped until we dropped in SOHO, took in a show (Avenue Q), gorged on NYC finest lox and bagels and late night pizza, and wished we had at least one more day. My Aunt and Uncles’ 50th wedding anniversary party provided the catalyst for the trip. It took place in an exclusive club—exclusive as in private and exclusive as in a median age of 75. My step-mother fell ill and… Read More »Totally Awkward Tuesday: Trophy Wife Edition
In order to remain a licensed Social Worker I need to complete a specified number of continuing education credits over the next two years. While perusing the menu of cultural competency, ethics, substance abuse, mental illness, and other various and sundry human tragedies, my mind drifted back to bloggyland. If bloggy certification existed, what mini-courses might I find helpful… Bloggy Bipolarism: I’m a comic genius, no I’m an imbecile. I’m a comedy blogger, no I’m a mom-blogger. Perhaps I’ll try crafting! Negotiating your inner bloggy-balance. Battling Bloggy Butt-Broadening: And you thought the secretary spread was… Read More »Bloggy Continuing Education Courses