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Rude Awakenings

    I. TwoPointFive: (5:30 AM) That your earbwow? Me: Yes, that’s my eyebrow. TwoPointFive: It’s biggg? Me: Uh. I guess. TwoPointFive: Inspector Gadget? II. I had the pleasure of a phone call from Suzy last week. She shared with me her wart wisdom. Well, its actually Louise Hay’s wart wisdom. I have tiny expressions of anger all over my hands. I know, I know, the more you learn about me, the hotter I get! Later that same evening I had a drink with Amy who shared with me her wart cure; Wish them away! So first… Read More »Rude Awakenings

    Free Association Friday: Rene from Not The Rockefellers

      This week I had the pleasure of free-associating with Rene of Not The Rockefellers. Rene’s smart writing and unique sense of humor make for terrific blog posts, and notoriously funny comments all around bloggyland. As usual, I provided the words in bold, and Rene provided the rest. Enjoy! Geiger Counter – Where all the Geiger business is conducted, at the Geiger counter, don’t go anywhere else they’ll just tell you to get back on line. Nefarious – That’s a total Jeremy Irons word. Or that Sesame Street Vampire..is he still on? Vampires are hot right… Read More »Free Association Friday: Rene from Not The Rockefellers

      Motivational Pooper

        Always searching for the good scissors? Tired of Tupperware falling on your head every time you open the cupboard? Need a little organizational motivation? Forget hiring a professional, and find yourself a pooper. Last week potty training stormed in, and blew me a surge of organizational energy unparalleled since my days of pregnancy nesting. I’ve sorted toys. I’ve reorganized closets, and delivered bins full of hand-me-overs to friends. I’ve even tackled the unused spiced drawer! Correction; I’ve mentally tackled the unused spice drawer. Husband witnessed my transformation into the Tasmanian Dirt Devil, as I feverishly… Read More »Motivational Pooper

        Trader Ho

          Every week I visit Trader Joe. I give him sums of money. I’m a Trader Ho. Everyone knows I’m a Trader Ho—at the library, at preschool, even (for shame) at other grocery stores. My industrious Trader Joe keenly branded my life with his scarlet letters on indestructible bags, and he keeps my kids tattooed in stickers. Joe has serious street cred. No, seriously, you’ve GOT to try the Greek-style yogurt. The beluga lentils perfect a salad. The COOKIES, O, the cookies: Oatmeal dark chocolate chunk, Maple crèmes, the Sea Salted Brownie Bites… Even kids love… Read More »Trader Ho

          Free Association Friday: Braja The Blogging Yogi

            Welcome, Free Associates! Today Braja, our beloved Blogging Yogi, and author of Lost and Found in India (the blog and the upcoming BOOK) gives her responses to the list of words I provided in bold. As if she needed all that intro with her following… Englebert HumperdinkSideburns sideburns sideburns!!!! Ahhh, Engel. He was an encouragement to people to be brave enough to keep their bizarre names when they become famous. I know he made this up. Wasn’t he Reggie Dwight before? ButtressReinforced panties. UvulaEr..I don’t want to speak of ‘rude bits.’ NaugahydeThat’s the language cows… Read More »Free Association Friday: Braja The Blogging Yogi

            Let’s Renew Our Vows: A Challenge Grant!

              Beloved husband, on the occasion of our upcoming Tenth Wedding Anniversary I would like to say I love you, I like you, and I vow the following benevolently if and only if you match my generous vows!! When I let you sleep-in, you greet the day enthusiastically within ten minutes of gentle prodding. Ok, sometimes this includes unintentional toddler ball-slam but hey, it’s a lot easier than a vasectomy. No no my Dear One, twenty minutes is far beyond my “mommy-go-psycho” grace period. It’s a challenge grant. Accept the challenge and we become “Buddies” and… Read More »Let’s Renew Our Vows: A Challenge Grant!

              I’m the Potty Bitch

                And I’m on a very short leash. This weekend, Two-Year-old dealt the toddler trump card. He officially opened Pandora’s Potty, unabashedly displaying his toilet readiness. His potty power can not be denied, and to respond “No” or “Wait a minute” or “Do it yourself” is ignorance defined. For the next days, weeks, hell MONTHS, even before the “P” leaves his mouth for “Pee-Pee in da…” we’re off on the potty relay; abandoning full grocery carts, dodging innocent bystanders, ripping off 2Ts, and fumbling with germ-ridden public toilet seats. By the time we get to “..otty”… Read More »I’m the Potty Bitch

                Free Association Friday: Margaret of Nanny Goats in Panties

                  Last week’s free association with Suzy Soro prompted me to start a weekly feature, Free Association Friday. Today please welcome Margaret of Nanny Goats’ fame. She’s a fantastic writer with a dry, quirky sense of humor. I provided the words in bold, and Margaret provided the rest. You can also find our collaboration over on the Humor Bloggers Dot Com Blog today. Free Association with Margaret of Nanny Goats in PantiesChablis – This makes me think of Ricardo Montalban blathering on about “real” Corinthian Leather. Lady Elaine Fairchild – OMG! Is this the horribly ugly… Read More »Free Association Friday: Margaret of Nanny Goats in Panties

                  Show Choir Concert Cancelled: Bill Bailey Home

                    Sequined top hats and bow ties littered the Cafetorium of Lawrence Welk Junior High Tuesday night, as pre-adolescent crooners tried to make sense of a shocking announcement that Bill Bailey Came Home. Apparently, weeks of rehearsing jazz-squares, knee-bops and four-part-harmonic pleas of “Bill Bailey won’t you please come home” combined with offers of doing dishes and paying rent, finally cajoled the fellow to return to his Missus with nothin’ but a fine-toothed comb. With a mission of “Harmony in Medley and Congruity” Show Choir Director Joyella Jenkins felt she had no choice but to cancel… Read More »Show Choir Concert Cancelled: Bill Bailey Home

                    God? Oprah? Kelly Corrigan?

                      It’s that time of year again. For the second birthday in a row some small specimen of questionable seafood has Roto-Rooted my intestines. Instead of eating a delicious birthday dinner with my Mom and Sister tonight I’m here. Again. With you–not so Tiiiiiny Bubbles.Perhaps I’m being punished. Are You There God? It’s me, Ann. Is shellfish really that big a deal? I know your beef with pig, but do you draw the line at mussels? Maybe you wondered what I’d look like after losing an entire dress size in one night…rather, in one hour. But… Read More »God? Oprah? Kelly Corrigan?