Definition: noun. Insult. Slur. Defamatory remark aka “name calling” i.e. “Mommy’s a meatiac” Etymology: “meanie/maniac” hybrid, with preschool word-confusion evolution Uses: often combined with gender inappropriate pronoun as in “Hey MISTER you’re a MEATIAC, Mommy” in times of duress such as time out and unnecessary pants enforcement during mealtime. formal Taunt conjugation: Can also be chanted “Mommy’s a MEATIAC, Mommy’s a MEATIAC” Photo:
Pat (restaurant manager): So, you are how old?Me: Fourteen. Pat: Do you have any work experience?Me: I have to unload the dishwasher and clean my room before Berdie our cleaning lady comes–if you can believe that. Pat: What is your schedule?Me: Home Room, Spanish, Social Studies, Study Hall, Lunch, Algebra, Bio, Health. Pat: I mean, when are you available to work?Me: Saturday. Not this Saturday, or the next one, but maybe the one after that. I’ll ask my parents. Maybe on Sunday, but I switch houses on Sunday, so I’m not sure. Pat: Why do… Read More »Interview with my self #2: 14-year-old Busboy
When FivePointFive was young and immature, he used to refer to his penis as “front butt” and his behind as “back butt.” Now he uses the technical term “pee-nuss.” Very recently he noticed my lack of “pee-nuss” on one of his rare occasions seeing me nude. These occasions now bring him a mix of immediate mom-naked-revulsion and complete fascination. So soon? Coincidentally, on the first day of kindergarten he said “I can see all the way down to your shirt to your buhgina.” I did a double-take, looking down my shirt, which sent him into… Read More »Front Butt, Back Butt, and other unmentionables
The question “Will you be my friend” from another child Mi Kyung’s long chin hairs that protruded from her neck (poor thing) The long dark hairs that protruded from my small arms (poor thing) Adults clapping in time, in unison, to anything A/V club My parents dancing (any of them) Blind playdates The phrase “Pee-you!” when uttered by our cleaning lady Surprise Christian praying before dinner at a friend’s house Lapidary club He Man’s Hairdo Katy’s ballet moves when we were only doing jazz Scoliosis day in gym class Vanessa Huxtable When Rudy-got-too-old Huxtable Adults… Read More »A non-comprehensive list of things that made me cringe in childhood
Noon. Dude, you mock me. I put in what rightfully feels like a days work—slop the trough, dress the turkeys, clean the cages, put on my rodeo clown suit, corral the steer towards the pasture (or the zoo AND the park AND the coffee shop AND the library) only to come home to you… Noon. Screw you, Noon. My hard-won screen hour only takes me to your Irish twin, One O’ Clock. What has One ever done for me except demand more coffee? Six am is always ugly, but for noon I need my beer… Read More »Screw you, Noon
It’s seven a.m. Three Buck Chuck and orange juice co-mingle, excitedly awaiting the fruit salad that will make them Sangria. “Excitedly Awaiting?” Need to watch those adverbs. For today is GLOW day! Are you familiar with the Gorgeous Ladies of Wisconsin? Not the wrestlers per say, but one GLOW can do The Worm. GLOWs gather yearly at this time–no children, no menfolk–often on a water vehicle in the famous Dells of Wisconsin. One year, tubes were tied for floating on the Wisconsin River—including a designated “cooler” tube. While no one’s fertility was negatively affected in… Read More »GLOW
No, I do not want to see your audition for Garfield Capades. I do believe you can do a triple sowcow, but I don’t want to see it now. You just might be the next fuzzy, yellow, obese Sasha Cohen, but you are interfering with a highly sensitive decompression process known as “blogging so nobody gets hurt.” Perhaps you don’t realize I’m still radioactive as a result of the double-tantrum-Chernobyl we called “bedtime” tonight, but if you don’t stop knocking over my screen with your girth you will soon become eternally the Garfield Capades poster… Read More »Dear Fat Ass
Good news: TwoPointFive has been in underwear for three monthsBad news: TwoPointFive has been peeing in underwear five times a day Good news: TwoPointFive will pee in the potty every fifteen minutes if offeredBad news: Two Point Five will pee in the potty every fifteen minutes if offered Good news: Two point five seems to be poop trained.Bad news: Two point five is so expertly poop trained that he just shat in a plastic bag containing one of his “guys” Good news: Months of potty training has paid offBad news: in that I’ve trained only… Read More »I didn’t see the forest through the pee
It’s time I hunker down and start monetizing my time and skills. I’m thinking business. I’m thinking profit. I’m not thinking acting, social work or writing, but let’s go ahead and optimize those party-fun/money-poor assets. C’mon Ann use that spicy Ad Sales brain from days of yore… Mary Kay? No way. Arbonne? No, non. Silpada? Nada nada. Something useful, something zany… GOT. IT. A game for the whole family in crisis! A game for all those “family meetings” gone awry. A game when it’s “talkin’ to time” IT’S…Mock ‘N Mime! Tired of circling around the… Read More »Mock ‘N Mime!
Janet Wood: Secretary, Apartment 201 All units represented. Present tenants include Terri Alden, Jack Tripper, Janet Wood, Larry Dallas, Lana Shields, and Ralph Furley. Former tenants include the Snow sisters (Christmas aka “Chrissy” and Cindy) and The Ropers (Helen & Stanley) 7:20 PM Association President Mr. Furley calls meeting to order twenty minutes late due to missing gavel. Past President Mr. Roper rolls eyes muttering “nincompoop” indicating Mr. Furley. Mrs. Roper cackles “Surprise STAN-LE-EY”, removing gavel from beneath her dashiki. Mr. Roper scowls “Helen, put your dress down before I lose my lunch.” Helen retorts… Read More »Three’s Company Annual Tenants Meeting Minutes