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The House that dwell Built!

    This is the house that dwell built! This is the urban couple dressed mostly in blackWith a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell Built This is a sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged the future of the couple in blackWith a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell Built. These are the invoices piled highBecause of one change from the feng shui guyThat resulted in the sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged… Read More »The House that dwell Built!

    WOW. This stuff is cool WOW! Thanks, WOW!

      Dear Angela and Wow Spring 2009 Contest Staff, I received my prize box today, and want to thank you for your thoughtful generosity. The hoodie and t-shirt look so comfy and cute–I adore that kelly green color and the fun graphics. The book by sponsor Diana Kirschner, PhD (client of guest judge, literary agent Wendy Sherman)”Love in 90 days” looks funny and insightful, as does Annette Fix’s memoir “The Break Up Diet.” Did you select those titles specifically for me? (Dialing marriage counselor). The gift certificate for grammarbook.com is invaluable, as is the WOW tote… Read More »WOW. This stuff is cool WOW! Thanks, WOW!

      My Carbon Footprint: Paul Bunyan-sized and filled with Tidy Cat

        What I should do for my planet: invest in a pick-ax or ice-fishing tools and bury cat feces in my backyard throughout our five months of winter. Or use flushable litter and spend even more time with our toilet and surrounding “back splash.” Better yet, once I get A3 (Almost Three) potty-trained, I should train Dexter (Fat Ass) to toilet. Because the pervasive camp bathroom smell in our house needs a little more oomph. What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for… Read More »My Carbon Footprint: Paul Bunyan-sized and filled with Tidy Cat

        “Pledged”: A Book Report

          This fall I read “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” by Alexandra Robbins. Highlights included the weekly house meeting discussion over whether or not one sister should go change her underwear, and a graphic description of the rush wardrobe approval process (NO FLIP FLOPS). I learned some valuable lessons: 1. Everyone who you tell you are reading “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” will say their sorority wasn’t like that. 2. “Everyone” refers to one person on Twitter, because mostly you hide “Pledged” in a quilted book cover with handles on it for easy toting.… Read More »“Pledged”: A Book Report

          Interview With Myself #3: 16-year-old Retail Clerk

            Dee: So, why do you want to work at RazzMaTazz? Me: I think long fingernails look awesome when performing phone answering and cash register duties. I can’t decide if that one guy across the hall is cute or a total nerd. I’m hoping you’ll ask me to model for the ads in the local paper. I’m sure you will, and that it’s only a matter of time. Why don’t you ever ask me? I’m just as pretty as Donna. Don’t you think I’m pretty? On a scale of 1-10 how pretty am I? I’m so… Read More »Interview With Myself #3: 16-year-old Retail Clerk

            Moochin’

              Can I have some? Can I have some more? Please? One more little piece? Are you going to eat that? All of it? Are you going to finish that? Mmmmm. I LOVE that kind. That is my favorite kind! You sure are lucky. I wish I had some of that, Can I have some? Can I have some more? Please? One more little piece? Does this sound familiar to you? I mean if you haven’t known me my whole life, does it still sound familiar? I’m a recovered moocher. I don’t know if it’s a… Read More »Moochin’

              Ten Tips for Volunteering at Kindergarten Math “Centers” (alternate title LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES)

                1) It’s your job to keep track of whose turn it is. “Cheese” is quite fun, but not so much for the kids when you keep winning. When you lose track of whose turn it is, don’t keep asking the kids. Fake it. The math concept involves sequence aka knowing whose turn it is. 2) You can tell her to go get a tissue. And also to wash her hands. And to wipe that booger off the table. Tell her President Obama would be proud–it’s a national state of emergency. 3) Dress like a grownup.… Read More »Ten Tips for Volunteering at Kindergarten Math “Centers” (alternate title LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES)

                Understanding Regan

                  I finally understand Regan. No not Ronald, the possessed one… Good point—I’m referring specifically to Linda Blair in The Exorcist. You with me? I love those moments when things suddenly come together–when you receive the answer to a question you didn’t even realize was nagging at you. Like the time in my tens when a woman on the escalator at Gimbel’s uttered “lon-zsure-ay” at the very moment I gazed upon the “Lingerie” sign in the Women’s department. You mean Lonzsuray is Linger-ee? Is underpants? AOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [DING] I had one of those moments of enlightenment tonight,… Read More »Understanding Regan

                  Cringe Volume 1: Love You Forever

                    Dear Sweetly Misguided Teenager Ann, I understand that your burgeoning kinship with Susan Polis Shutz greeting card sentiments has left you full-to-bursting with misplaced teenaged hormones, but please reconsider what you are about to present to your Grandmother as a belated birthday gift. For starters, Granny was not an overly emotional woman. Remember the time you tried to kiss up to her on Hanukkah asking: “Granny, How did you celebrate Hanukkah when you were a kid? [bats eyelashes]” and she replied “We put eight candles on a brick and my father gave us a dime… Read More »Cringe Volume 1: Love You Forever

                    Demotions

                      * Note: A sciatican is an inhabitant of the land of sciatica; a land where a vibrant young woman can resemble an off-his-game Quasimodo Dance ResumeHigh School: Ballet, JazzCollege: “Experience” with Ballet, Jazz, TapProfessional: Moves WellMother: Moves sufficiently for 5 o’clock Living Room Putamayo Kids dance partySciatic-an: Considering a walker (WITH TENNIS BALLS, WOOT!) Shoe FashionHigh School: Deck ShoesCollege: Doc Martin boots (one size too big, and two huge square toes from cool)Professional: Heels from Parade of Cheap Ugly ShoesMother: Bare dirty feet (gross, true)Sciatic-an: Danish-named, orthotic-enhanced hooves. FlexibilityFive Years Old: Couldn’t touch toesCollege: 18… Read More »Demotions