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It’s Delurking Day! Let’s chat, shall we? [Edited: 1$ per comment for Haiti]

    Inspired by @OHMommy (Pauline of Classy Chaos) I am donating 1$ per commentor to the Haitian relief effort. I will cap at $100. If anyone wants to match my funds email me at annsrants.com Husband and I have learned a few things during our 13 years together: 1. We don’t know each other as well as we thought.2. We don’t know each other at all.3. Who the hell are you? Readers, you and I have learned a few things during our 13 (ok 15) months together:1. I think I’m pretty funny2. If you’re still reading… Read More »It’s Delurking Day! Let’s chat, shall we? [Edited: 1$ per comment for Haiti]

    10 Signs You’ve Emerged from Babyland

      1. You ask a baby-wearing Mama where she got “that silly backpack” 2. The last time you changed a diaper your child said “I prefer a bidet” 3. You’ve stopped speaking to your husband in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS 4. Breastfeeding a baby now seems as remote a possibility as molting your feathers. 5. You no longer have babies spitting up at the dinner table, but rather loud burps followed by “AWESOME” 6. Your stroller is so dirty and jerry-rigged that Graco recalls you personally 7. Instead of playing “pattycake” your kids play “Butt2Butt” 8. You… Read More »10 Signs You’ve Emerged from Babyland

      McSweeney’s

        I popped back into your reader to let you know my open letter “An Open Letter To The House of Pain” is up at McSweeney’s. Thanks so much to those who read and tweeted it yesterday. I really appreciate that. I hope you enjoy it and I’m feeling much better now. Mwah!

        What I learned from Master Mickey

          Disney has not only mastered the G-rated movie, but also the G-rated pride parade. One single balloon can cost ten dollars. Some parents steer their children by their hair. Disney does unspeakable things to girl-hair in the name of princess. Not having girl-children can save you hundreds of princess dollars and princess hours in line. All the employees are called “cast members” and the visitors “guests.” Pretty sure I saw Micky slap Donald when he refused to call him “Master.” Some of the actors didn’t know what the hell the lyrics of that welcome parade… Read More »What I learned from Master Mickey

          900-YUR-HOME (or SAHP*rn)

            YUR HOME,This is Fred speaking Yeah. Hi Fred. Make it quick–the kids are watching Wubzy.You are at the wine bar with your girlfriends… Faster, Fred. I’ve only got a few minutes. The attractive waiter arrives with your Grey Goose martini, up, two olives. It’s 2-for-1 Grey Goose martini, up, two olives night. Yes, Fred, Yes!He brings an amuse bouche (FREE FOOD) involving butter and truffle oil Oh. My. God. Don’t stop Your best friend mentions seeing your exboyfriend at a wedding. He asked about you. He no longer has any hair on his head, but… Read More »900-YUR-HOME (or SAHP*rn)

            A Parental Sledding Aptitude Test and Giveaway!

              1) Do you bring your dogs with you to the sledding hill? 2) Do you let your dogs off-leash on the sledding hill? 3) Do you let your dogs that “DON’T LIKE PEOPLE THEY DON’T KNOW**” off-leash at the sledding hill? 4) Do you let your children handle the situation by themselves? 5) Do you let your children handle the situation by screaming “STAY AWAY FROM OUR DOGS. THEY DON’T LIKE PEOPLE THEY DON’T KNOW” at the slightly terrified mother (played by Soleil Moon-Frye, or perhaps Mayim Biyalik)? 6) When Soliel/Mayim/Ann inquires of your children… Read More »A Parental Sledding Aptitude Test and Giveaway!

              Sorry I Woke You. Again. It’s the WorkWeekWidow!*

                Hi _____________ (insert name of dear friend or family member)! Please forgive my phone call at seven am this morning – I forget that most people are still asleep during the hour I consider brunch. No, nothing was the matter. I had nothing urgent to report. In fact, I had nothing of consequence to say whatsoever. The boys were watching Yo Gabba Gabba, and I wanted to share my idea for my own Dancey-Dance. Also, I wanted to tell you not to miss Trader Joe’s Chenin Blanc. I feel so affected when I say “Shheneeen… Read More »Sorry I Woke You. Again. It’s the WorkWeekWidow!*

                Spelling Word List: Grade 30something

                  Neti Pot as in “Please do not use my neti pot for a genie lamp” Kidney Tonic as in “I recommend this Hermit’s mix kidney tonic for your humpback” Beaujolais as in “Have you met my daughter, Beaujolais?” HoMedics as in “Get your naked butts off my HoMedics Shiatzu Massager” Mirena as in “Why do I always want to call Mirena-my-IUD, Minerva?” Apnea as in “Wondering aloud if Husband’s snoring is due to Apnea, my therapist gave me a new neurosis” Quinoa as in “Have you met my son, Quinoa?” Ma’am as in “Why do… Read More »Spelling Word List: Grade 30something

                  Dear Crossing Czarina

                    I hope you notice the deference with which I address you, for it demonstrates my awareness of the supreme power you wield in your crosswalk jurisdiction. I suppose it’s typical of the average crossing guardian to bring their own props; to–how you say– customize your “beat.” I admire the care you show in placing your blaze cone every morning, and your accompanying folding chair throne. You deserve to be safe; safe, comfy, and omnipotent. Safe as in “I’ll let him go this time, but next time your toddler needs to dismount the tricycle and walk… Read More »Dear Crossing Czarina

                    Potential Blog Taglines:

                      Ann’s Rants: One Hairy Mofo Ann’s Rants: Writing quiets the horrendous children’s music in my head Ann’s Rants: I wish I could remember that awesome one I thought of last night Ann’s Rants: A Lillian Vernon catalog for the weary Ann’s Rants: I fucking hate potty training Ann’s Rants: Codependent Some More Ann’s Rants: Physical Comedy, Physical Therapy Ann’s Rants: Assembling dinner. Again. Ann’s Rants: Get your furry ass off my keyboard Ann’s Rants: (Not YOU, my cat) Ann’s Rants: Give Pants A Chance Ann’s Rants: Trying to spell judgement and priviledge Ann’s Rants: The… Read More »Potential Blog Taglines: