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A Prayer for Anthropologie

      Our Father who art in the Anthropologie clearance section, hear my prayer. Give me strength to know kimono jumpsuit from gaucho clownpant & the wisdom to avoid both. Lead me not to the flowers giving birth to flowers celebrating with yet more flowers shrug. Deliver me from “whimsy” dear Lord, and please whisper a cautionary “tablecloth” in turn. Remind me of the unintentional-dickey debacle of tunic 2008. Guide me from anything resembling a pinafore. This chin needs no decorative lobster bib accent, Dear God. You made my chin. I shouldn’t have to tell you.… Read More »A Prayer for Anthropologie

    Where, Oh Where Did Our Fun Aunt Ann Go?

      Have you seen Fun Aunt Ann? That isn’t her slumped over in the green plastic Adirondack lawn chair, buried in her smart phone, and drinking PBR from a CROCS beer cozy, is it? Impossible. No. The Fun Aunt Ann I know gave piggy back rides, led niece and nephew conga parades, and topped the VIP list of your children’s birthday parties as a guest/performer/village idiot. Fun Aunt Ann would not only talk to your toddler on the phone, but she’d join you for Gymboree! No children of her own, no matter—she put those years of… Read More »Where, Oh Where Did Our Fun Aunt Ann Go?

      False Positive

          When I was in TV ad sales years ago, I convinced my fellow inventory coordinators (The People In Your media Neighborhood that shuffle around :30 pods of air time) that Nobody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee was not only incorrect due to the double-negative, but that Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee made way more sense and therefore comprised the correct tagline. I felt confident in my logic, buoyed by years of eating frozen bricks of pound cake sliver by sliver through an intricate “evening out” process–never mind the fact that many of my coworkers… Read More »False Positive

        Kill Joy

            Fifteen years ago in a spat over who did and who did not show up to launder dirty schmattes from a cast-load of Annatevkans, my Fiddler On The Roof castmate and fellow costume crew member looked me in the eye and said “Ann, you are a kill joy.” It took me aback! Especially because what he actually said was “Ann, you shit on everything beautiful.” While this comment—voiced in full round tones of Thespian anger—occurred in the heat of a costume crew mutiny, I could not deny the truth at its core. I do… Read More »Kill Joy

          My Ready, Set, Go! Back To School Conference

            Ann, what do you like to do when you’re at school with your children? I enjoy singing and dancing. I wish it wouldn’t make my boys cover their ears and weep. I also love cuddling. I wish it didn’t require a full-nelson. I especially love eating my children’s scraps and then having to explain later that I ate them (again) while they cry. Just kidding. You know what’s fun? Listening to myself sound like a drill sargent, but without the catchy marching cadences. I actually do enjoy catchy marching cadences. For instance: Sound-off; 1 –… Read More »My Ready, Set, Go! Back To School Conference

            Rant’s little instruction book (part deux)

              I just spent 5 days on the shores of Lake Superior. Spending time with family overlooking the majestic scenery (with wifi because we are not savages) quieted me and let me hear that inner-voice so often drowned out by my busy home life. Years have passed since I heard this voice (part one).  And I think it has grown profoundererer. Ann’s Rant’s Little Instruction Book Part Deux** It’s the thought that counts, but it doesn’t count for all that much. Don’t fool yourself. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Actually, go ahead because it… Read More »Rant’s little instruction book (part deux)

              My networking tips you probably shouldn’t miss

                Last night I went to a networking event and tomorrow I leave for a conference. If  I’ve learned one thing from sitting in front of a screen all day it’s how to network. There is an art to making small talk and it doesn’t always involve a blank stare due right of your schmoozee’s forehead, paired with a barely-audible hummed version of ‘Your Body is a Wonderland.’ So if you’ve ever found yourself alone with only your name tag and shiny forehead, I’m here. Please do find my networking tips below. For free! All that… Read More »My networking tips you probably shouldn’t miss

                The toast I would give if I weren’t going to BlogHer’11

                  On Thursday I leave for the BlogHer conference where I’m speaking and hosting a Listen To Your Mother Open Mic Salon. My only regret is that I cannot join a celebration in Grand Lake, Colorado honoring The brand new state-of-the-art Rocky Mountain Repertory Theater where I met my husband 15 years ago, and the couple that helped make it happen. Here is the toast I would like to have given: “Chastity” from Anything Goes, RMR 1996 A college senior at my first Statewide Auditions, I wore my new red “professional actress” dress with a pleather… Read More »The toast I would give if I weren’t going to BlogHer’11

                  My Stay-At-Home Uterus

                    Dear Friends, If you get eye-rolley over things psychic/intuitive then I’ll see you next week. Also if uterus and sperm talk isn’t for you, I’ll see you next week. Finally, if you feel threatened by the fact that some people  have an extra hush-puppy-size brain*, feel free to sit this one out. [cue: screen door slam, pan: empty parking lot, close up: tumbleweeds] I just came from a visit with my acupuncturist Amy, who also happens to be intuitive—not “you seem like you’re having a bad day” when you show up with a black eye… Read More »My Stay-At-Home Uterus

                    Jesus respects me at a distance this I know

                      We went to our nephew’s baptism, and in the car Seven proclaimed “FINALLY. I GET TO LEARN ABOUT JESUS.” Historically, my personal Jesus-child-inquiry defense consisted of “I don’t know. What do you think?” Eventually Seven grew tired of my stonewalling and suspicious that I could be that much of a dunderhead to know absolutely nothing on any manner of subjects. So now when the boys ask me questions about Christmas, Easter, fish–and especially loaves–I respond directly with “I didn’t grow up with Jesus or loaves. Go ask your father.” Husband is a progressive involved father… Read More »Jesus respects me at a distance this I know