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Glengarry GlenBoss: Sales Meeting Primer

    A Primer for Your First Glengarry Glenross-themed TV Ad Sales Meeting around the year 2000. Definitely not based on real events, and any similarities to real events are completely coincidental. Obviously. ·    Watch the movie version of Glengarry Glenross, not as a cautionary tale of corrupt and miserable capitalism, but as a sales “how to.” ·    Repeat the following until you can convince yourself in the mirror: “Entertainment Tonight is a newsmagazine. Entertainment Tonight is a newsmagazine. Entertainment Tonight is a newsmagazine. Just like 60 minutes. Exactly like 60 minutes but better because of Mary… Read More »Glengarry GlenBoss: Sales Meeting Primer

    My Dead Strip Mall Valentine and Madison Auditions!

      This week I have an essay over at The Isthmus about my 1980s Madison childhood spent waiting at a strip mall before people referred to them as “strip malls.” If one of your regular babysitters was the “wayback” you might like it too.   When I’m not blogging, writing, social networking or serving The Lords of Imig Abby, I facilitate the behemoth live reading series named LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Auditions have been announced in nearly every city, and I cannot encourage you strongly enough to resist all your can’ts and doubts– just give it a… Read More »My Dead Strip Mall Valentine and Madison Auditions!

      The State of Our Union

        Mr Husband, Mr Son, Mr. Smaller Son, Distinguished Fur Bastard: We gather tonight knowing our years of investment and service to The Imig family Home. Sixteen years of coupledom, 7 and 5 years of boychildren, and 15 years (7 of 9 feline lives) respectively. For the first time in years there are no Imigs leaving weapons of mass destruction in basement corners or under furniture, and our house is more respected and safer for unsuspecting playdates and their parents. We began as a duo, traversing the North Side of Chicago. From my first apartment above… Read More »The State of Our Union

        13 Seconds of My Family

           Beware the retractable key chain… (if you can’t see the video, click here.)  Jayne of In Jayne’s World Congratulations, you win a copy of  Keija Parssinen’s The Ruins of Us!! Email me your mailing address and she’ll get it to you. Thanks everyone for your comments!

          Dear Ann Krinsky Age Twenty

            A version of this letter appeared as a feature for Brava Magazine last spring. My girlfriends are especially on my mind and in my heart right now, so I thought I’d share it… Dear Ann Krinsky Age Twenty rehearsing a monologue, How are you Ann Krinsky? The UW theater department smells exactly the same 17 years later—of burnt microwave popcorn, bare feet, and creative desperation. Nice suspender pants, by the way. Very The Limited-does-Annie Hall. I see you working diligently on your audition monologue for The Fantasticks. **Spoiler alert** you get the part. In fact,… Read More »Dear Ann Krinsky Age Twenty

            My Shortcomings Catalog: A Focus on Musical Constipation

              I have a long list of shortcomings. Not curious about things I’m not already passionate about, I’m also ignorant about geography, history, and most of The Important Information people learn in school. This, despite the fact I performed well in my studies in excellent schools through 19th grade. I pick at myself, the pantry, and my husband when anxious. I learn only enough about technology to get by (see: my yahoo account). I expect my children to hurry when developmentally they’re programmed to stop getting dressed at underwear and one sock, in order to play… Read More »My Shortcomings Catalog: A Focus on Musical Constipation

              We Are Not International Coffee People

                Organic. Fair-trade. Artisan. Hard foam. No foam. Triple Lutz Al Pacino with room. Today’s gourmet coffee obsession focuses on supersonic Mach-3 beans, and an order as complex and individualized as a strand of your DNA–requiring a Bachelor of Barista. Remember when coffee considered “fancy” came flavored and scooped out of a rectangular tin? It wasn’t just coffee. Actually, it wasn’t even coffee, but one part coffee-per-million Swiss mocha cremains. Whatever International Coffee lacked in taste, our generational palate was too young and ignorant to notice the difference. Come to think of it, maybe no real-life… Read More »We Are Not International Coffee People

                Holiday Yoga: Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend

                  The holiday version of a 2009 tandem post with one of my first blog buddies Braja the famous blogging yogini, (and soon-to-be-released international book author). Go visit her blog next to read her corresponding post, okay? Downward Facing Jowls: A non-express-line asana Worrier Pose: Knit brow, tense jaw, beat chest, spit over shoulder. Watch out for the litter of infants in Santa hats behind you. Childish Pose: Hands on hips, jutted lower-lip, eye-roll. Oh-Joy Breathing: Deep sighs alternating with atonal passive-aggressive Skating Away humming. Oy-Vey Breathing: Same as above, but shake head and downshift to… Read More »Holiday Yoga: Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend

                  Please Never Buy Me That! Gift Guide and Giveaway

                    When Husband and I met, we delighted in playing a window shopping game named Please Never Buy Me That. We lived in a tiny tourist town in Colorado, full of gift shops with presents you’d never want to receive: “Please never buy me that wooden bear toilet seat cozy.” “Please never buy me that Northwoods-printed flannel Bolero jacket” “Honey I love you so much. Please never ever buy me that beer stein shaped like a moose butt.” Had my mom known of this game, she might’ve told me at age 7 “My sweet child, Please… Read More »Please Never Buy Me That! Gift Guide and Giveaway

                    Dear Trader Joe’s cashier who asked if he could “Sweep me away” to his register:

                      Two aisles diverged in a tiki-themed check out. And sorry I could not travel both… I’m caught in limbo between my current queue and your deserted register island. I nod. With a smile, you valet park my cart to your aisle. Can you sweep me away to your register? Yes. Absolutely. Thank you for asking! Now pay attention. We’ve much to sort out: First we’ll need to ask your co-workers to keep hiding the matted beanie lobster around the store for my children to seek. Also, we need better prizes than balloons if you want… Read More »Dear Trader Joe’s cashier who asked if he could “Sweep me away” to his register: