Know what I’m thinking, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Goddamned Broomstick? I’m thinking hummus. I’m thinking why did they have to get rid of the beluga lentils? I’m thinking where the hell are the fruit leather ends-n-pieces this week, and will I leave the store with a child hopped up on 23 organic lollipops, parum-pa-pumpum.
I’m not thinking PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE SEPTUM WITH YOUR FLAVORED-COFFEE-MINUS-THE-COFFEE BULLSHIT.
I’m not thinking IT’S ONE PM AND WHERE IS MY VENTI DOSE OF CINNA-SMACK?
Nor am I thinking I CANNOT CONTINUE MY DAY UNTIL THOSE BATH AND BODY WORKS MALL PEOPLE CINNA-SCENT MY AIR TO THE ELEVENTH POWER OF CINNABON.
You line the hall from the elevator to the store with your Hansel and Gretel opera-prop pie-spiced wretchedness. You make me want to tie on my babushka, sing “Matchmaker,” and jingle-bell your cinnamon-ass into a sachet.
Because listen up, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Goddamned Broomstick. Here are the appropriate amounts of cinnamon: teaspoon, tablespoon, stick, Toast Crunch, and pot-pur-goddamned-ri. THERE ARE NO BROOMSTICKS HERE.
Please take your holly jolly larynx-closing cookie-swapping cider-mulling full-frontal aromatic AK-47 Glade Plug-in self out of this hallway. And take some joy-to-the-world-the-cinnamon-has come to your pine-scented brethren on the pegboard down at the car wash.
and have a Happy New Year.
###
I’ve been wanting to get that off my chest since Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays!
Now.
Everyone go buy Pearl’s book. I once nominated Pearl of the wildly popular “Pearl, Why You Little…” for a Blogitzer award, because she writes things down THAT WELL. $8.00 buys you Pearl’s brand of Prairie Home Companion-meets-The Coen Brother’s Fargo-minus the violence plus a beer chaser. Because that’s how we do hospitality in the Midwest. Plus Pearl is Good People. Congrats, Pearl!!
you said Cinnabon and already I want to get back on that doughy-assed, elf drool glazed, imperial raisins of the ignorant, studded horse.
You know if you stand downwind of Hollister it almost obliterates the cinnamon bomb.
Funny! Every time I walk past those freaking brooms, I think, just where in the hell am I s’posed to put that thing? My teen sons won’t use the broom I have that’s actually SUPPOSED to be used. Love your stuff. Whew – think I need a cupcake – there’s no cinnamon in them.
Haha Rene I was thinking the same thing. Just glide by Abercrombie and you will be filled with some strange and heavy patchouli laced perfume that will kick cinnamon’s ass. Then just walk in the store and you reel from the pictures of than half naked ads meant to reel in our young girls. Sometimes they even have actual half naked men in there. I almost forgot you wereking about Cinnamon just thinking about it.
But yes, I am with you.
Um, I was going to invite you over for coffee but ah, I’ll have to make sure to get rid of MY WONDERFUL SMELLING WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH CINNAMON AND BROOMS stick.
Have a nice day.
Signed,
A Proud TJ’s Cinnamon Broom Activist
Okay, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about…but I’m there for you.
XO
A.
Ha! Thank you for this rant. I cough every time I walk in there lately. And what the hell happened to the mingling olives? Bring those back instead of the 4 varieties of Kalamata olives (no one needs 4 varieties).
GLOSSING OVER IT
And this is why I stick to ShopRite. I’m just that uncool. And I hate broomsticks of any kind, much less a spiced one.
I am going to be laughing about this all day, as I wade through the cinnaomn scented mall to finish my holiday shopping:
“You line the hall from the elevator to the store with your Hansel and Gretel opera-prop pie-spiced wretchedness. You make me want to tie on my babushka, sing “Matchmaker,” and jingle-bell your cinnamon-ass into a sachet.”
-Ellie
We don’t have a Trader Joes but if they’re anything like the bags of Cinnamon Goddamned Pincones I walk by at every other freakin’ store I feel your pain! Sinus pain that is.
I have nothing to say. I’m laughing too hard.
I can smell that damn thing when I get out of my car…one floor down.
Right?! I have to hold my breath when I walk through the entry of TJ’s. My SIL was considering buying one and hiding it at our in-law’s house, just for fun, but she reconsidered because we’d have to smell the damn thing for the whole car ride home.
We hate it when they are out of Fiberful at Trader Joes. But they do have these new chocolate covered peppermint Joe Joes that seem to make up for all of their transgressions.
Damn, you have some Trader Joe’s Cinnamon rage. I’ve heard there’s a cinnamon-flavored pill you can take for that.
But from one holiday raged-filled person to another, I salute you.
I know exactly how you feel! The trick to Trader Joes is to be their 30 minutes after they open– when the coffee’s made the the smell is minimal– so are the people.
And I’ve already ordered Pearl’s book. She’s awesome.
Happy holidays, jj
Hilarious!
Our Publix puts those cinnamon broomsticks at the door every autumn. I once bought one after my cinnamon loving daughter begged for it. Want to know how to make them stop smelling? Buy one. Day two, the scent was gone. Or my nose was numb.
I was just there and didn’t see broomsticks or smell cinnamon. Must be NY budget cuts.
I’m with Anna on this one. Clueless, but in your corner every cinnamon-scented step of the way.
What scares me is how you can’t smell anything after only 24 hours of exposure to these broomsticks in your home.
I confess, I fell for it, trying to create a craptacular Xmas.
That’s what they do to your olfactory senses.
A very scary thing indeed.
You are right to stay away.
I still can’t smell anything unless it’s a truckload of something.
If they sell it at Trader Joes it can’t be half bad.
It’s amazing how a smell can tweak our perception of anything. I still can’t fly in a small engine aircraft without smelling the doublemint gum I chewed nonstop from Omaha to Fort Meyers. And now, TJ’s cinnamon brooms are having the same strange effect…so strong that I can’t pull in any other sense!
I feel the same way about potpouri!! Ugh.
(btw…. saw our site on Alltop under humor. You are WIN WIN WIN!!!!)
I hate cinnamon. I don’t like scented candles or anything that smells like food. even if it’s real food… like cinnamon.
You know what else I loathe? Febreeze. Slightly off-topic, sorry.
But what is this broomstick you speak of? How have I missed that during my weekly visit to TJ’s? Maybe the good folks at TJ’s on 39th and SE Holgate have better sense than to sell a whole broomstick of something so pungent and offensive.
Hahahahaha! This was too funny! I love those smells and well…yeah. LOL I love your site’s picture. That pretty much sums up how my surroundings look when I’m trying to write. Can’t wait to come back and read more. Thanks!
Okay I know I’ve been out of the country for awhile but I totally don’t get this post. I don’t know what it all means. But I would like to see what Trader Joe’s is all about.
Oh. Well, my broom smells like cat litter. Would that be better?
Seriously, I am in tears over this post!
I can’t catch my breath! There are tears rolling down my face from the laughter. Which means my “not-so-waterproof” mascara has officially blended with my blush and lipstick, which will cause me to have to redo my entire FACE before I step into the public view to go to the store here shortly!
Thanks a whole-happy-holiday-bunch to you!
Oh, and by the way, LOVE the letter you sent to Vodka Mom! The laughter started there. . . AGAIN. . . thanks to you.
Cheers,
PS
My Trader Joes clearly didn’t get the broomsticks memo, but the silver lining of course is that if the broomsticks are here, er there, then it’s almost time for the sipping chocolate which is my reason for existing.
my incredibly clever comment was eaten #sadpanda
Won’t someone think of the children? Or my nose? I can’t believe you have to tell them again this year, but this madness is continuing. Tell em Ann, tell em!