Below please find a partial list of things I should’ve told you thirteen years ago:
Birthdays in my family are a national holiday. As a boy who tried to hide upon receiving the annual “Happy Birthday To You” reverie, we may have some friction around this issue. For a decade or so. Especially over the black Banana Republic T-shirt you presented as my 30th Birthday present.
Try not to freak out when you see gefilte fish for the first time. Big deal. You were practically raised on Jello salads, right? Mini marshmallows, congealed fish broth…same same.
When we agree to keep a secret, “we” often includes my mom, and perhaps one or two of my other dear friends. It sounds bad, but you won’t really mind. Not Much.
Oh, and stay away from the beet horseradish. It’s not in your genes.
My feet are icicles and you’re legally bound to let me warm them on you nightly.
You’re going to acquire many many Jewish relatives to keep track of. And some of them really do look alike. Especially the older fellas. As a tall red-head everyone will know exactly who you are. When you discretely turn to me for help, I will be huffing my brisket and therefore rendered useless.
We’re moving to Chicago and then back to hometown Wisconsin. I realize that you’ve enjoyed Colorado. Sorry to break this to you. Also, we will become engaged, marry and have two children before you’re ready to say “I love you, too.”
Sorry about that not eating all day on your first Yom Kippur. I wanted you to see what you were getting into. Not that I’ve ever successfully fasted. Ever.
I will get better at hiding my shock when I walk into the bastion of Republicanness that is your childhood home. True, I first laughed at what I assumed were gag-gifts, but that initial glibness turned to shocked solemnity upon viewing the “Election 1980: Get Rid of The Empty Shell” framed poster hung in the basement.
Protect your plate. I will steal food from you, even after eating all of mine. When we have children, I will ease your burden by stealing theirs.
Thanks, Hon. Oh, and never never never suggest my foul mood, appearing every four weeks like clockwork, relates in any way to my menses. You will make this mistake only once, and only once will I suggest you fuck off. We both learn this lesson, and become more creative with our verbiage in the future. xoxoxo
You really are as Jewish as I am. My ex who was a total foodie, refused to try gefilte fish and he would pretty much eat anything
I married into a Jewish family, so I understand some of the shock your husband has gone through. For the record, my family is pretty liberal. I think my husband is a descendant from the only conservative Jewish family. Oy!
I’ve learned to eat gefilte fish but it HAS to have lots of horseradish and a matzah with it to disguise the taste.
Love it!
Thank you for enabling full feed. I’m really enjoying being able to read all your entries in their entirety now!
I, too, was raised on jello salads and Ronald Regan!
When I’m around my husband’s big Lebanese family, it’s like “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. . .I swear!
A great letter like that is never too late! If I could open myself up to vulnerability maybe I could write one to a few people I know…
I love it! I should write Mr. H a similar letter and include the part about “secrets” and PMS lol
Funny.
Great post!! Poor guy had a bit of culture shock, huh!
Good list. I should have done this sort of thing with my husband as well, although I’m not Jewish. Polish is what I am, and enough said, I think.
A black t-shirt for your 30th birthday? YOUR 30TH!?!? He’s not actually still breathing, is he?
My list would have been a bit shorter. Dishes? I don’t do dishes. Me, thin and muscular? ha-HAaaa! Not for long, buddy.
Very very funny Ann! I can totally relate being jewish and all. Well not being a man but still.
Ok i think i said too much. I want a bagel!
LOL at the black t-shirt. my dh keeps buying me watches…. they are nice but how many watches does a girl need when they all need a few links removed before you can wear them?
FUNNY!! A great unique post – thanks for the mid-afternoon chuckle.
RR
its always good to give him a refresher course from time to time!
Superb, Ann – We could be twins, except I’m not Jewish, but I have heard of gefilte fish – I have however, the icicled tootsies only warmed on the rump of my husband, the plate-stealing capacity – My favourite playful statement to my OH on seeing him with a plateful of food, being, “Is it to share?”, and agree with you entirely on the shared secrets thing! Very funny letter, Ann – Have a fantabulous week! x
Awesome Ann! Love this post. I’m eating a bagel right now… but I’m not big on gefilte fish. Or lox. But one of my best sister friends is a total WASP married to a Jewish boy who’s mama lives 2 minutes away. Hilarity ensues. Most of the time. I also have a Jewish girlfriend who married an Italian. She likes to joke that she could have me killed for wholesale. LOL.
Introduced to gefilte fish last month … and, well … there is nothing excusable about ingesting that.
Or marshmallow salad for that matter.
When I was pregnant with my now 6yo I was forced to try gefilte fish. It was 9:00am…I had morning sickness, but I couldn’t use that for an excuse because no one knew I was pregnant!
“Aren’t they yummy? I keep them in the fridge and if I’m hungry and want a snack, I just pop a couple fish balls in my mouth!” -true quote
excuse me while I *shudder* at the memory…
“When we agree to keep a secret, “we” often includes my mom, and perhaps one or two of my other dear friends.”
YES… i totally relate to this. So funny!
Very funny, Ann, sounds like a marriage made in heaven. Even though I’m a conflicted protestant and not Jewish, I can relate to this extremely well. The only big difference is that my extended family only pretends to know each other very well, once or twice a year. (when I first met my husband’s family – I couldn’t help but notice the photo of his parents with Pat Robertson on the mantelpiece 🙂
Holy cow – birthdays are like week long celebrations in my house! My husband got used to it or more – just deals with it.
Too funny!! I totally understand the birthdays. Every gift giving holiday is a huge deal in my family, and after 8 years of marriage my husband is still resisting the madness. I’m hoping 10 is the magic number for him to finally cave. LOL. Great blog!
Very funny! Makes me think of writing something on this order, only it would be all the lies my husband told me…
Hmmmm.
Pearl
LOVE this. I’m with Pearl…. I feel that a letter to my husband is in order, as well. Only the focus will be on what I should’ve told him before he married into a food-obsessed, present-crazed holiday junkie family. He just doesn’t get it!
That “secret” thing is commonality amongst women of all religions, I think. 😉
Hilarious! The Husband went through (is still going through?) the same culture shock. He comes from a small family (one sibling, no cousins) and married into a crazy French Canadian family with hundreds of cousins that we MUST visit on a regular basis. I’m surprised he hasn’t started drinking yet … the rest of us do!