I.
Me: [Breathe. Do NOT smile. Act casual. Keep at bay the preschooler shuffling-off-to-Buffalo in mini spats excitedly distracting my imagination] Really. [stay cool] Can I watch you dance?
Five-Year-Old: Maybe later. Maybe after I eat breakfast.
[later]
Me: Umm. Can I see you dance now? I mean. Don’t you need to practice?
Five-Year-Old: Well. I need the computer. It’s on the Transformer’s Website.
Oh cruel, cruel world…
Five Year Old: No. My mom usually forgets at night. She does it in the morning.
Pediatrician: How do you stay safe in the car?
Five Year Old: There’s this little handle you can grab if you’re not strapped in…
Pediatrician: Do you eat healthy food?
Me: [confident facade beginning to crumble] What did you have for lunch, honey? (Guacamole, red and yellow bell peppers, Rice Milk)
Five Year Old: Spicy Chips and Cookies.
Me: No, honey.
Five: Can he open his eyes?
Me: No. His body doesn’t work anymore. His body shut-down.
Five: Can he move his fingers?
Me: No.
Five: Does he still have blood?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t think so. Blood keeps bodies alive, and Henry is dead.
Two-Year-old: (enthusiastically contributing to discussion) Can we eat him?
Comic relief gratefully accepted…
This is brilliant!!! Burst out laughing at each one. The Transformers website dance made me think of my 6 yr old…:-)
Hmmm…I’ll suggest a trade…you take my Hubby, I’ll take your boys. We can figure out visitation…
Wait…déjà vous … Did we already discuss this once?
OMG, thanks so much for the belly laugh. I nearly woke my kids, and DH is in the kitchen going “Shhhhhh” That was great.
Missy
Packing peanuts cures all that ails you.
If the kids get enough stuck onto them, they’ll have built-in protection and there’s really no need for a seat belt – the the strap is fine.
I so miss those ages! I love the “oh shit” handle THAT’S the best one!
You should buy the big roll of large packing bubbles.. lay them all over the floor, put some earplugs in and let the kids stomp away! $30 well spent of more comedic releif
Oh my god that last line made me laugh out loud so hard I have tears rolling down my face! Can we eat him! hahaha – I’m going to be giggling to myself all day remembering this post. Hysterical!!
Hey I am linking to your blog on mine as “the funniest shit I have read all week.”
Five-Year-Old: My dance is very important to me, and I need to practice every day.
That right there, Ann is priceless. Perhaps in 10 years he will say something like:
“My homework is very important to me, and I need to practice ever day.
OR NOT!!!
I love this post!!! BOO-YAH!!!
Those are hilarious! My son is 4 and we are just beginning to have these kind of “talks”.
So funny.
I’m guessing those are not rose petals all over the floor?
This is great . . . I was cracking up. And I love the pic!
This post is brilliant, but the picture at the bottom is genius. How in the heck did you clean that up?!
Hilarity is obviously in the genes over there in the Rants’ household! And the illustrative picture is priceless. 🙂
(And, yes, that is strange that we are tandem blogging today. MIND MELD!!!!)
Love how their mind work. If only we could write it all down. Very cute!
Lord, help – that is funny, Ann! I hope you are writing all this down somewhere – you could publish a book!
As to your comment on my blog – no, Clear isn’t paying me. I think they’d have a problem with me relating them to “the mark of the beast”. Heh.
And this is why we DON’T believe everything the kids say. Hilarious!
I agree with Janie, you should write this down somewhere. If only there were some kind of electronic journal you could use to record and share these things with others.
another mom like me. The healthy lunch? Oy vey. The brushing of the teeth? Hilarious. Oh Ann, our kids are outing us. Boy are we in trouble
That is the BEST picture!! God love freedom!
These conversations are great and it’s so fantastic that you’re recording them.
I wish I’d focussed less on certain things and more on capturing the funny stuff my daughter said as a child. I’m really getting a kick out of recounting the stories these days!!
What a great post. Reminded me of peeking into the living room 18 years ago to see my then three-year old toddler, toddling across the room carrying one of my wife’s potted plants and happily chanting, “No no no no no…” I wish the auto-discipline function had stuck with him.
Hahaha I can’t provide any comic relief because I’m such a crack mommy and can totally relate. And OMG did you read the magic years too? I used the exact same words to describe death to my older girl. I LOVE that picture.
God that’s funny. I would have loved to be in the room and see the look on the doctor’s face.
OMG… when I got to the cat eating I blew a mouthful of chewed popcorn onto my monitor. My husband jumped up to “save” me because he thought I needed the heimlich maneuver, I guess.
Oh boy, that was good!
What do you mean the dead cat doesn’t have blood? What are you guys, vampires?
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