BABIES Documentary: PBS Nova Meets Baby Einstein

BABIES is a documentary about 4 babies–one in Tokyo, one in Mongolia, one in Namibia, and one in San Francisco. AP Journalist Leanne Italie, in her article about a local Mom and tot showing of the documentary BABIES (this viewing sponsored by Happy Bambino) writes:

Ann Imig from Madison brought her 3-year-old son to what she considers a rare, non-animated opportunity. “I was happy to have a cinema experience with my son that wasn’t terrifyingly loud or filled with startling imagery or quasi-off color humor, found more often than you’d expect in G-rated films,” she said.

I said that, and I meant it. I stand by that statement. I also said

“True to 3-year-old boy form, my son’s favorite part of the movie was when one of the infants peed on the bed.”

That didn’t make the article.

Here are some more of my thoughts on the movie Babies—the most gorgeous footage of global infanthood, made far more interesting than your own hours and hours of edge-of-your-seat baby knuckle-gnawing because…

*Instead of an expensive Exersaucer, one baby was tethered to a bedpost with an old piece of twine. Similar to an Exersaucer, but much more reasonably priced, twine also possesses potential entertainment features according to 3 who shouted at the screen “Is that his Indiana Jones Whip?”

*Diapers are expensive and smelly. All you really need is no diapers, Mom’s knee, and an old corncob to rub off baby excrement.

*Who was that Japanese couple’s stylist and when can they style my life?

*Swaddling is more effective if you follow it up with a few restraints for added measure. Swaddle the baby in a receiving blanket until reaching optimum baby-burrito capacity. Follow with several ties–just to make sure those little limbs aint goin nowhere. Perch baby burrito in your lap, on the back of your partner’s moped, and hightail it home. RRRRRIGHTEOUS!

*YURT, y’all! An opportunity to identify and exclaim “YURT!” with your child. “YURT!”

*Don’t worry about a cat stealing your baby’s breath. That’s nonsense. But that rooster probably will poop on your baby if you keep letting it walk all over his mattress.

*If you have to leave the movie theater for a bathroom break, here is what you missed: baby roll, baby drool, Namibian baby jewelry! baby smile, toddler attacking baby, everyone eat manioc! baby attacks Kitty, where are the parents, and how much toilet paper will the baby eat before the cameraman intervenes?

Spoiler alert—the parents ALL COO TO THEIR BABIES… IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES!!!!!!—I know, now you don’t even need to see the movie.

I missed the ending—3 had enough babies in the theater and on the screen. Did they wife swap? Or baby swap? I hope it at least ended with some sort of fashion week, runway culmination. I assume the babies were walking or almost walking by the big 1-year-old finale. Mama! Prada! Versace!

One of the only things that could’ve improved our BABIES experience included showing G-rated previews instead of R-rated previews. 3 kept asking me if this was “a grown up movie” while he alternated between fascination with the suspenseful trailers, and burying his head in my neck in fear. He did narrate to the infant audience “Is that his gun” and here’s hoping no impressionable early-talkers caught on (“gun dada gun”).

Also, I’d have preferred watching BABIES from a king-sized bed, so I could nap immediately following my snack and screen time.

I only recommend BABIES to adults that have a serious interest in babies—not just a passing adoration of a faux-hawked infant whizzing by in her $1000 ride. Babies requires the level of interest that merits 80-minutes of baby thigh close ups and no dialogue. Nursing mothers are the perfect crowd for this film—a captive audience—as are parents of preschoolers who enjoy the rare opportunity to sit down. HOLLA! A few Grandparents might like the film, too–if they are the babysitting, hands-on, infant-idolatry variety

For those of you who’ve finally dug your way out of those adorable baby trenches, or those of you who never wanted to visit them no matter how pretty the surroundings, may I recommend ANY OTHER MOVIE AT THE CINEPLEX.