Okay. Let’s try this again. Listen. To. The. Music. Minimize dissociation episodes to seconds or moments, not thirty-five minutes. Experience the music—avoid temptation to count senior hairdos. Also no loud one-clap when the music stops but isn’t over and everyone collectively knows not to clap, and then I try to disguise my one-clap by folding my hands at my heart and bowing.
Wouldn’t it be neat to be able to “Ah yes, Baccccccch’s triple A minor fugue ala rondo for the pianoforte in d-flat Major Barbara” instead of “Fools Rush in sung by chicks with cool accents last track on the Some Kind of Wonderful Soundtrack that I considered auditioning with for the 8th Grade Talent Show but couldn’t figure out how to play drums in time.”
Oops. Focus on the music. Okay. Rock on classical music drummers with white gloves playing like one boom every half hour. Rock on.
Mmmm that Beef Udon was delicious. I really enjoyed all those beefs. Wait. Did I squander an opportunity for sushi? Would I somehow feel more satisfied right now had I gone tempura? MISO. DAMN YOU MISO. MISSED MY MISO AGAIN.
Concentration, what’s your occupation…
OH! I KNOW THIS ONE. THIS WAS TOTALLY IN BLACK SWAN WHEN THEY WERE DANCING! NO! I TAKE IT BACK THIS IS TOTALLY ROMEO AND JULIET WHEN THEY WERE DANCING! Right? (looks around) Right? (Smiling Nodding) 1-2-3 little -4 little hairdos. I wonder at what point I’ll just cut it all off and fluff it up. At what date in the future will I go to get my hair set. 5-6-7 little 8 hairdos.
So this is me enjoying the beautiful music. I’m letting it wash over me. That is what to say when you don’t get it, but you free yourself of the need to intellectualize. Like watching Brecht or performance art, or learning to identify all 50 states on the map. THE BOOT IS ITALY!
Remember when I tried to convince my history professor step-father that dates don’t matter? Remember after I took women’s studies and I loved saying MALE GAZE MALE GAZE MALE GAZE. Who are you remembering with, Ann? Pay attention. Let it wash over you… 9 little 10 little 11 little hairdos, fluffy fluffy fluffy fluffy FLUFF!
When I play piano with the symphony I will not wear iridescent, by the way. GOWN FOUL.
You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have the facts of life (duNUHnuh) the facts of life (duNuhnuh)
DANG. I should’ve had Teriaki. Mmmm Teriaki. Why don’t I ever order Teriaki. Also? Awesome girl name. TERIAKI SAGANAKI I LOVE THINGS THAT RHYME WITH AKI!
Oh. Sorry. Yes—shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Rude.
Wow, look at that bow action. Check out those extra fancy head shakers. I wonder if they get pissed off sometimes. Oh check Felice out tonight—she’s all CRAZY ARMS THE MUSIC IT HATH OVER TAKEN ME O WHITES OF MY EYES O- she thinks she’s The Stevie Wonder of Second Chair.
Wait! This is totally the intro to Mr. Belvidere! I LOVE THIS ONE. My mistake, this one is called EVERYONE MARCH REALLY LOUD FOR TWENTY MINUTES. I love the symphony. Especially the pretty slow ones that make me cry. STOP MARCHING. Marching is not the soundtrack of my life. I cannot muse over roads taken and not taken and watch the filmstrip in my head WITH ALL THIS MARCHING.
I love culture. Remember how I thought Boy George was hot even though I now realize he looked like Wynona Judd? Karma Karma karma karma karma chameleon…
The music has stopped. I think it is time to clap now, but I’m not going first this time. Yes. everyone is clapping, meaning I can go in search of overpriced treats in the lobby.
But first let’s go to the ladies lounge and fluff our hairdos. Bravo!
**
Are you going to BlogHer11 in San Diego? Amy Wilson (author of HOW DID I GET LIKE THIS and star of the touring show MOTHER LODE) and I proposed a FROM PAGE TO STAGE workshop. If you’d like tips on writing and reading your work for a live audience, please sign in to BlogHer and click “I would attend.”
Thank you. By the way, awesome bow action Felice!
This sounds like me at church
I would LOVE to attend the workshop, if I go. Can I click on anyway, just in case we decide to go?
Do the opera next! Do the opera next!
Can we just read your work for the workshop? I’ll take this post.
Ha! This is exactly why I don’t go to the symphony. It becomes an $80 nap. 😉
Now I want to pull out some old Facts of Life videos…and eat some Twizzlers!
I don’t think I’m going to be able to go to BlogHer this year, but that is a fabulous idea for a workshop.
“The boot is Italy!” Snorted my coffee a little bit there.
I do this everywhere: work, grocery store, car… glad I’m not alone.
LOL I do that every time- I always think I totally know the song. And don’t.
I will be at your session at BlogHer!!!! 🙂
Steph
I guarantee my husband would fall asleep during the symphony. He once fell asleep during a Samuel Beckett play (can’t say I blame him).
GLOSSING OVER IT
Ann-y Madonna listen to the music playing in your head..In your head, in your head Zombie, Zombie
The Cranberries, I always confuse them with The Waitresses because of that cranberry Christmas song
That lady Madonna song use to be the opening music for Grace Under Fire, I liked that show, Whatever happened to Brett Butler? The Sprouse kids were in that..they’re all grown up now. How could that be? That show was on only a couple years ago, right?
When I was little, I mean like 10 little, my parents would take me to concerts because that’s what well educated children did. And I totally had the same conversations with myself as you did. And so help me if I fidgeted. My father would give me The Stare and my mom, the Jewish Pinch.
Well done!
You’re going to have to re-name this Heather at the Symphony.
Thank you.
Sounds like a very cultural experience. I think it’s more common than anyone realizes. Here’s an idea… Rock concerts in lieu of symphony.
Cheers,
Casey
If ESPN ever starts broadcasting the symphony in those “dead” moments between sports (you know, the ones where now they show montage-u-mentaries about obscure sports “stars”), they should totally hire you to do the color commentary. I bet that show would hit prime time. No shit.
Totally the intro to Mr. Belvidere. This phrase made my heart swell with love for you.
And I JUST REALIZED WHILE READING THE END OF YOUR POST that the wedding I was supposed to go to on August 6th got moved, so I can go to BlogHer!!!!!! Thanks, Ann! And I would SO attend your workshop. I actually know Amy from an old improv troupe we were both a part of. Not that she would remember me, or anything. Okay, why am I blabbing on and on?
This would be me at the Opera. But only because I was a band nerd growing up.
Oh my gooooooooosh! What a giggle! I’m a symphony musician’s daughter so I grew up with the fluffy haired ladies. And by the way, the drummers totally do more. They can be on xylophones, bass, timpani, even bird whistles at times. Not, like I’m a symphony drummer groupie. My daddy played brass.
Marching is not the soundtrack of my life either. Fist bump!
The hairdos. Yes. When, exactly, does that happen?
I can’t imagine waking up one day and thinking, “I am calling Earlene at the salon and scheduling a cut, blue rinse and set. Because suddenly? I’m dying to look like… I’m dying.”
This is fabulous, Ann. I have so been there on the one-clap before which is why I don’t clap until everyone else does now 😉
Cheers, jj
Good one, Monkey Mind!
My version of the one-clap is, at church, to throw in an “Alleluia” after a “Christ our passover is sacrificed for us, therefore let us keep the feast.” Alleluias can sort of be played off as a throat clearing.
Oh, and I just watched Some Kind of Wonderful last week. (Why?) I love Keith’s nerdy sister in that movie- that is precisely what I was like at that age. I still crack up when she calls him the Human Tater Tot.
I would pay a lot of money to curl up in your mind for an hour or two.
I would be so comfortable there.
This is GENIUS. 🙂
-Ellie
Oh man I so get that. The mind just can’t sit still even though the butt is planted in a chair and all that is required is that I absorb the musical genius. Oy.
BTW, the penis is Florida!
Is it just this generation, or do we all associate everything we see or hear with something we saw on tv? I know I do!
Hahahaha! I wonder too when we all start to chop off our hair and fluff it up? If you find out will you let me know? I’d like to write it down in my calendar so I know how long I can enjoy my current psuedo-what?-I’m-totally-not-a-mom-I-have-no-idea-what-you’re-talking-about-hairdo. I’m a planner.
This absolutely cracked me up. It’s so hard to be right-in-this-exact-moment. Sometimes I make the strangest of connections. But, wait. You had me at Mr. Belvidere.
You are brilliantly funny.
I voted!!
I can’t even begin to tally the lines that left me short of breath. It began with: and then I try to disguise my one-clap by folding my hands at my heart and bowing. WHY DO I DO THAT?
I must retweet.
Also, didn’t realize this stage primer you’re offering is with Amy. She’s a genius. You two are like the lab partners in Chemistry class that make the other kids nervous and demand that all test scores be curved.
Yes, I love culture, too. But I love your post more
What Marinka said! Exactly!
PS… In my scenario, I’d add 5-10 minutes of wondering why the balcony doesn’t fall, and being glad that my seats aren’t under it. And also, an extra bit of thankfulness for isle seats…so I don’t need to say ‘scuse me, 30 times if I need to pee!
Better than when I fell asleep and started snoring at an opera. Very funny.
I always have the best of intentions for this kind of thing. But there is something about having to sit still for so long without talking or listening to other people talk. So basically – I can do movies and theater – but not orchestra. Even Baby Beethoven videos make me antsy.
Oh, that session with Amy at BlogHer will be fantastic, I know it!
This was the first thing I read when I got up this morning and I’m so glad. Set the tone for my day. I have a giant smile on and now the Facts of Life song is running through my head.
You are brilliant.
OMG. I LIVED THIS. My Dad was a conductor, and I spent my youth in rehearsal halls and concerts. I love this! I also invented a little game involving my fingernails and my nose. Nuff said. xo
And this is why I NEVER go to the symphony. Although it does allow ample time to run through the theme songs of my youth.
Don’t worry, Ann, we will never allow you to set you hair. We’ll set it on fire first. It should be highly flammable.
ps – the session at blogher sounds great!
You got me at the Women’s Studies remark. I had to take some Women Studies classes in college (I tend to be a “feminazi” as my sister would say) so I encouraged my oldest to take a class in women’s studies. First day, she came home and said she thought she pissed off the professor because she commented that she loved men. That’s what I get for raising outspoken young women. As for the symphony – no joke – I bring my knitting and keep it low otherwise I think I’d keep kicking the old person in front of me and that wouldn’t be good.
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