My MIL likes to forward e-cautionary tips, and all manner of advice for hysteria-loving folk. Below review some safety tips I pray none of us ever need utilize:
Stay the hell away from conversion vans period (serial killers)
Don’t sit alone in your car in a dark parking lot balancing your checkbook (or counting huge stacks of cash, or appraising diamonds)
If someone locks you in a trunk kick out the taillights, poke your arms through the holes, and wave them around madly to attract attention. Hopefully you attract the attention of people other than kids on a school bus laughing hysterically and waving back, or toddlers in car seats quietly murmuring “hi…hi” to themselves in response to your desperate flails.
If someone has a gun to your head and demands you to drive, smash your car as hard as you can so your airbags go off. If the gunman is in the back seat, supposedly he gets auto-ejected. If he’s in the front seat its a crapshoot. If he’s in the car seat just threaten to take away some of his screen time.
If someone shoots at you, run. Preferably in a zigzag pattern. Most people are perfectly capable of running in a zigzag pattern while they’re in shock. It will make you a harder target, as the assailant will laugh uncontrollably. Unfortunately, he will proceed to hold you hostage, and make you continue your terrified zigzagging over and over for him and all his thug-buddies.
If you hear a crying baby outside your house, a serial killer awaits on your vestibule. Don’t let him fool you. He’s holding a boom box and playing a tape-recorded cassette of a crying baby (picturing a psycho John Cusack). Whatever you do, don’t open your door. However, if you have a mail slot in your door, you could consider tossing him some Manheim Steamroller Classical Gas to calm/entertain both he and the baby while you wait for the police to arrive.
If someone mugs you, throw your wallet and run the other way (but if you hit him with it he’s going to be PISSED).
I’ve heard all of these – too funny. If you’re dyslexic, do you run in a ZagZig pattern? and will it still produce the desired result?
haha balancing a check book 🙂
I am just going to copy and paste this post and email it to my mom this morning so she will breath a sigh of relief and smile a proud grin that she has such a wise son.
Ann, this is valuable information that i was lacking!!!
THANK YOU!! Now i know exactly what to do when i am in danger!! Or perceived danger!!
Or when having sex!!!
Ooops i typed that by mistake!!! Yet, i can’t look away!!!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!!!
A coworker just walked by while I was blogging so I started typing in a zigzag pattern so they wouldn’t see that I was slacking. IT REALLY WORKS!
I love, LOVE this post! Too funny!
Don’t forget that Police car email…when on a dark deserted road, an unmarked police car tries to pull you over…
Lisa, good question. I hope when one of these inevitably saves my life its not that one.
Panic room, I wish I could take credit but the checkbook part was for real!
Michelle, Happy Wednesday to you! I need to muster some of that enthusiasm!!
Maelstrom, Awesome! Mentally noted.
Melissa, oooh yes. In fact don’t even pull over if its a marked police car. Safer to engage in a high-speed chase.
Ann, I’m now going to stop my in-car diamond appraising business tout de suite!
Oh, and if it’s John Cusack, I might still be tempted to open the door!
Very funny post, thank you – And as a mom/mum, I resemble those remarks! x
This is why people carry their laptops with them … so they can quickly access these emails in a crisis situation and know exactly what to do!
I used to drive a conversion van and I never killed anyone (intentionally)
These were funny. I especially like the tail lights tip… with my luck I’d get the toddler
OMG I don’t know what you’ll think of me now but your MIL thinks EXACTLY the way I do :)))
Her emailing these forwards has only gotten worse since she got her IPhone. Don’t forget the Drudge Report!
These were very enlightening. I will send them out to all my friends who, as I type this, could be in grave danger and waving through broken taillights. Cute!
The John Cusack and Manheim Steamroller bit cracked me up – along with the other ones! You are too funny.
The next time I see a limping man with a cane, I’ll start shooting at him. In a zigzag manner, because he probably knows how to run away from me.
First time I stumble onto your blog and you’re trying to tell me that balancing my checkbook in a dark alley, at night, by myself in DA HOOD is wrong?
How rude!!
Hallie 🙂
Very good advice! I will heed your every warning. Reminds me of the advice my mother gave me as a teenager: Never take a cigarette from someone you don’t know. It might have MARIJUANA in it!
Woman, if it was John Cusak I’d open it too!
Mo, Or throw the laptop–AWAY from the assailant (??)
Braja, probably because you find yourself in round-house kickin’ situations.
Monica, thought you might appreciate this (heehee)
Fragrant, stop typing and RESCUE THEM!
Ryan Ashley, thanks and thanks so much for following!
Marinka, my guess is you see more than one per day on the streets of NYC. Well, you might have to go to Queens, actually.
Weiners, Welcome! So sorry to offend. Perhaps I’ve lost you forever but not without bestowing some vital information for all earthlings.
Joanie, yes, beware of DOOBAGE.
Oops, sorry Dizz. I’m so racist against conversion vans. I’m just a bigot, and I guess I can’t apologize for that, really.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to shoot first and ask questions later?
That’s why I just shoot anyone I see, luckily I don’t live near anyone.
I often sit in my car counting out the stacks of cash that accumulate with the other detritus under the floor mats. I can’t believe I have so narrowly avoided having to zigzag my way out of this dangerous situation!
And I’d think twice about throwing Mannheim Steamroller at anyone! It is enough to make any person psycho!!
I wonder if you wave your hands out of the broken tail lights…you might run into the risk of getting it torn off by a passing car. You’d have to be really careful to just stick it out straight but then you run the risk of getting it jammed back in with the guy who tails you too closely because he’s got a big-ass truck and thinks he’s hot.
I couldn’t run now if my LIFE depended on it (damn that gymnastics- ruined my knees)
I would just have to stand there and say, “GO ahead. I’m yours.”
xox
I thought those kids were waving at me – they were waving at the person locked in my trunk.
haha, great post. My gramma likes those emails too. By now, all my girlfriends should be dead since I don’t think ANY of them walk around their cars in a parking lot, checking under and in the back seat.
Ann, thank you for your kind comments about my forthcoming back op – The fact that other people appear to have been transformed by it is heartening to me, and pushing me out of the limbo life I have been half-living these past couple of years!
Bless you, take care,
Fhina x
Thank you for this. I plan on forwarding it to my Mom. Hey, what comes around goes around, right?
Peace – Rene
Goddess and Kmc, you two must be of the “conceal and carry” persuasion
Bitchin, I know I know, but Beyonce might excite him too much.
Tooj, that is hysterical…very good point.
Vodka, I have that same fear, but no bum knee to blame it on.
Tony, you little psycho, you.
Debbi, we must be vigilant! Look under the hood, too.
Woman (Fhina), bless you and I hope for the best!
Rene, tee hee, right! Thanks for visiting and following and commenting and and and (breathless with bloggy excitement)
I wonder what would happen if you run in a zig zag while going up hill and skipping with only your right foot… Will you ask your mom for me?
I’d heard of some of those, but not all of them … that just gave me the best laugh of the day!!!
These are HILARIOUS! My grandma, may she rest in peace, used to think that her hand and hand-bag would stop a bus in it’s tracks (she would litreally step in front of it and hold her hand, with hand bag, up)!