Fresh out of college, I moved from liberal-college-town-USA to downtown Chicago. This was before the sketchy Walgreens on Clark and Division turned into an Anthropologie, and when I lived atop a crackhouse—but I leave that story for another day.
As a responsible 22-year-old female, I made an appointment to get my annual pap at my neighborhood Planned Parenthood clinic. Donning my paper wrap-dress (flattering on any figure), a friendly middle-aged appropriately Gloria Steinem-esque doctor greeted me in the examining room. When she asked if I’d mind a medical student assisting in my examination, I proudly consented. Sure, I reasoned to myself, I shall sacrifice my pride in an effort to educate the future physicians of America on patient-empowered-vagina-protocol.
In walked the student. Now I present the “claiming my insular bias” portion of today’s post. I expected someone approximating:
Her
Instead, feet-in-stirrups, I met the gaze of an intern more resembling
Him.
(Only he wore scrubs and didn’t squat in tippy-toe-Tae-Bo-warrior). He was very built, good looking, and a black male. More notably, he made one very nervous medical student.
The examination went something like this:
Doctor: Here is the right ovary. Can you feel it?
Med student: (quick prod) Uh-huh.
Doctor: Nope. Its over there.
Med student: (poke) Got it.
Doctor: Are you sure? Because I think its further up. Why don’t you try again.
[I’ve disassociated by now and view the scenario out-of-body, hovering from above. I observe myself making occasional eye contact and half-smiling, while humming “My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean” to myself. Wait…the humming is silently to myself. I can hear my musical attempt to express my pseudo-comfort in this scenario, but I don’t think the others can. Listen! The med student seems to tap his toe to the rhythm bring back, bring back, please bring back my bonny to me to me. Perhaps that’s due to his nerves…]
Med Student: Uh…?
Doctor: Notice her uterus’ slight tilt upwards?
Med Student: Yes.
Doctor: Nope! That’s her ovary.
DAMN! (Med Student’s and my inner dialogue exclaim together in unison)
you tell a good story. Seriously funny. You totally nailed that Doogie joke. high five! This was awesome.
Oh you are so funny! This is why, since I’ve been old enough to choose, I have always gone to female gynes. With men, if they’re good looking, I freak because I’m afraid I might get turned on… and if they’re ugly, I’m afraid they might get turned on.
Seriously?
Seriously?
Totally puts today’s pants post to shame *shaking my head*.
There has to be some comfort in knowing he was much more uncomfortable than you were, right?
Oh my, how very embarrassing! Mr. D has had to do the whole “medical student assisting with a gynecological exam” thing, but he looks nothing like the Tae-Bo guy.
Remember that SNL skit “Dream Gynecologist” and the actor was Mel Gibson? Well those days are certainly over. Who can look at him and see any shred of the sexy guy he once was.
But poor you, lab rat! I hope they paid you.
Panic, thanks so much!
Pilgrim, I did have a guy-no once, but he was my Dad’s age so it was less awkward. More freudian, less awkward.
Lyndsay. Seriously.
Tovah, was he obviously nervous? Ask him.
Goddess, nope. Chalk it up to Midwestern Niceness…
Oh lord! What an awkward exam!
I went to my mother’s gyn for birth control pills. Didn’t get the pills but got one hell of a lecture about premarital sex! Figures I go to the most Catholic doctor in Pennsylvania! I found out later he never gave anyone birth control. I ended up going to Planned Parenthood for them.
Wow, completely embarassing. I go to a guy-no, but he’s old and totally gay so I don’t worry about him wanting to sample my goodies. Great story, so funny!
That is the worst! They are always so nervous.
FYI, I had a medical student observe the birth of my firstborn. Shortly thereafter, she went outside and puked. Awesome.
I’m so uncomfortable just reading your post…As I’m thinking about what to write, I saw Janna’s post. I’m speechless.
That story is priceless. Just like an education is priceless. Or a black eye.
If it is any consolation, and I think this story is: a friend of mine was going through her OB residency and a woman came in that was ready to have the baby but the cord was around it’s neck, so they had to do an emergency c-section. But they had to get her to the OR first… and a medical student (lowest on the pole!) had to ride on the gurney with her, with one hand up her hoo-ha to keep the baby from coming out!!!! OMG!!!
Don’t you feel a little better? 🙂
Oh Amy, I’m glad I had my kid already…if I hadn’t…I might think twice after reading your post! Yikes!
Ann you slay me!!! I think that means you crack me up and make me giggle!! Does it?? Ok, i just googled it. It does!!
I’ve had some highly uncomfy GYN procedures. I will share this with you and everybody reading.
So, i had a test where they inject saline solution all up in your coochie area. Well into your uterus. So, they had to insert the speculum, it was plastic for some odd reason. The damn thing broke inside me….i kid you not. My coochie broke the speculum. Now talk about being superwoman!!!!!
Ok, i am going to go be embarassed now!!!!
Great post!!!
Ann, you are like me – I once believed ‘in the name of progress of medical science’ that it was important to offer oneself up, as it were – And I found instead of one student at Inverness Family Planning Clinic, they brought in a busload, seriously, standing (and stirrup) room only.
I’m less generous now!
Thank you for posting this hysterical (only because it didn’t happen to me) account at the coochie doctor.
But I think after he mis-identified the first body part, I might have said.. nope that’s my lung, or nope silly boy that’s my appendix.. just to keep him on his toes
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Seriously, I haven’t had a male Gyno in so many years, I think I might actually faint at the sight of one.
Ah-h,Planned Parenthood. My home away from home in the early days. Great story!!
Oh I had those moments..another military clinic bonus. Except mine was HER. A tiny dainty women with very small hands/ short fingers. A pap smear dream? Not hardly. I was way more familiar with her wrist than anyone ever should be.
Squawk! You totally busted me up with this post!
“My Bonnie Lies Ovary The Ocean…”
(And love the new banner photo…)
XO
Anna
Thank you for your contribution to medicine.
Future medical students, take note!
LOL. Great, great story.
And whenever I do TaeBo, my ovaries hurt. Coincidence?
So, so hysterical! Love this.
Joanie, and thus the reason my Grandma was a staunch supporter of Planned Parenthood!
R- thanks for stopping by! Sound strategy…
Janna, AWESOME beside manner.
Melissa, sometimes I have that effect on people.
Amy, yikes. you can say that again.
Michelle, you are Super Hoo-ha! You should have a teeny-tiny cape.
Woman of Importance, you win HANDS DOWN! ha ha
Dizz, that would’ve been hilarious, but I was too busy trying not to appear mortified
Charmaine, ahhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh
Lisa, Thanks!
Tutu, welcome and that made me squirm!
Anna, thanks a million!
Paul, welcome back and you’re welcome
WA, interesting…very very interesting (pointer finger aside mouth in contemplation)
Wow! That’s totally awkward! I gave you another award. What can I say? I can’t quit you!
Holy mess! LOL I would have started up a conversation about football, probably…to loosen up the crowd. And then he wouldn’t have been a football fan, so the awkwardness would have gotten deeper….no pun intended.
Marinka, I owe it all to you. As you know.
Adlibby, mwah mwah and mwah (kisses)
Tooj, welcome to my blog! Just checked out yours and what a gorgeous family you’ve got! If I knew a damn thing about Football that might’ve proved an excellent strategy.
Hmm, I was happy to let a student physio help with my knee, but there are certain times when I’d say ‘no’ to students of whatever gender… (my social conscience must be lacking)