So seventy is the new fifty is the new thirty is the new embryo. Heels and Hose have been replaced with skinny jeans and Uggs for casual mom fashion, and for the most part I say Hallelu-JAH.
I like feeling campus-chic when I smack my forehead going through the tube slide–no fear of mussing my skirts or running my stockings. While little plastic eggs are fun, I prefer to let little Christian children search for them on Easter, rather than pry one open every morning for my Leggs.
But the biggest trend in mom fashion for our generation is also an inadvertent one…
The Crack Facktor.
Our butts are falling out all over the place. Big or little, light or dark, we are falling all over ourselves–even while we attempt playground-appropriate. Sure, we nipped that panty line catastrophe in the butt, but now we are plumbing ourselves all over the parkbench.
Half-water Juice Box? Check. Whole Grain Goldfish? Check? Double buttcheeks? Err… Check.
After showing a different side of ourselves to Grandpa during that ill-fated round of horseshoe toss “I’ll get those, Grandpa! Got ‘em! WHOOPSIE DAISEY” most of us learned the lesson of the low-rise. You try to compromise, but even the midrise and a long tank top fail on occasion–like every time I wrestle with a snow boot or bend to retrieve an errant mitten.
Pardon me, but did you hear that? The collective GASP of our ancestral matriarchs?
Yep, they’re a-spinnin’ round and round. Don’t you hear their cry?
WHERE ARE THE GRANNY PANTS
WHERE ARE THE MOM JEANS
COVER UP YOUR TRAMP STAMP
KEEP BUTTS UNSEEN! (Repeat and alternate with KEEP YOUNG MINDS CLEAN)
How long will we keep this up?
I’m imagining the inevitable remake of “Golden Girls” called “Molded Girls.” References to “flab” or “sag” will need to be written out. Instead of silk bathrobes and turbans, the new cast will sport “GILF” shirts and yoga pants.
And my how we will miss the granny pant…
I have circumnavigated this phenom completely. I have two things going for me.
1. I have no kids for which to pick up after, thus no bending over in public places.
2. I choose to utilize a classic style of crisp lines and clean colors … therefor forgoing the low-rise all together. Thank heavens for Talbots Petit!!!
On the flipside … I think people are becoming desensitized to tramp stamps and the occasional bum cleavage … so I think everyone’s in the clear!
GILF! I’ve never heard that one before.
I suppose it should bother me that all of the men in my neighborhood have gotten a look at my whale tail (another term I learned last year) at one point or another…
You just need to puff out your boxers above the pants line, yo.
Dude.
Crack…is whack. *yanks down hem of t-shirt*
😉 Anna
I love my one pair of jeans jeans that fit, but I don’t like that I had to buy new panties to wear under them to keep from showing off my sensible cotton undies.
It’s always something.
Timeless. Love, embryo.
my muffin top conceals everything. in fact, i have to lift it out of the way to put anything in my back pocket.
i actually bought a tunic last night. A TUNIC.
And that is why I never leave the house without my rainbow suspenders.
“Our butts are falling out all over the place…” TOO funny and so true.
I guess the American Idol guy wasn’t that far off. “Pants on the ground Pants on the ground, PULL EM UP!”
Genious. That’s what you are… 🙂
Thanks for the morning laugh, I say, as I pull my pants back up…
Leanne (aka Ironic Mom)
Hilarious! I have been wondering how long you ladies would let this go on, not that I am opposed to the occaisional butt crack-sighting myself (ass long ass it’s a gal rather than some random contracting dude or appliance-repair man). I say there’s nothing wrong with it. Let your ass-flags fly ladies!
what?
gad. i can’t stand that bit of skin showing in this weather. i love my tunic (long?) sweaters this winter. i’m freezing!
Okay, and here’s the related problem, though I won’t be as funny as you: if one is long-waisted, it is nearly impossible to find a shirt long enough to properly cover the tops of jeans, and completely impossible to find jeans (apart from horrifying mom-jeans) with a rise high enough to cover everything. I try and try. If ANYONE would make some jeans that cover my crack even when I bend over but that don’t make me look like PeeWee Hermann when I stand up straight, I would guess that they would sell like hot cakes.
This is freaking hilarious. Why? Because So.Damn.True. I am guilty. Oh how guilty I am. Crack peep show? Check. Even my KIDS tell me my butt crack is showing. But what do we do? Oh what what what. Mom JeanS? Granny Pants? I am SO NOT READY FOR THAT! Maybe I should stop wearing jeans all together. Maybe skirts were the norm for a reason. Eh?
Eh!
I don’t even like the view of my own butt crack so I would never inflict the sight upon others.
Plus, I’m such a prude I find it difficult to type butt crack.
You are brilliant.
My solution: pajamas at all times.
So true. At least most self-respecting moms don’t do the g-string hike on purpose. Gag.
Oh Ann, pretty please, can I do a pick-up interview with you so you can chant the chant??? I love the Mom Jeans Crack Chant!! It’s awesome.
I am so watching my crack today. It’s my mission today.
xoxox
OMG-Anne, you are sooo funny. I’m cryin’ over here.
I actually subscribe to your blog but I popped over to your site to tell you that your chant should be recorded. Ever thought of doing a comedy album? Remember the ones Bill cosby used to do? errr…maybe you aren’t old enough to remember that.
I’m actually laughing so hard I can hardly type this comment! You are the best:)
Oh please, please, do not take the little joy I have left at my age. Although I was a bit taken aback (no pun intended) when a comely lady in her mid-thirties squatted to examine some item on the bottom shelf of the supermarket aisle and I got a glimpse of her thong, the “waistband” of which was well above where the jeans’ waistband had slipped. All I could think of was the possible pain…
My daughter just talked about this “phenomenon” yesterday. She asked me why so many mommies forget to pull their pants up.
At least I hope that she was referring to this and not to something else. Hmm…
absolutely love the “ancestral matriarchs’ chant”
it’s gold
i’m sure kanye could pay a few dollars for that
Hey! My aunt was the “I’ve Got Leggs” tv commercial voice! Seriously. I completely forgot that until just now. Thanks for the reminder.
I hate the whole butt crack thing but I hated pantyhose even more.
This post totally “cracked” me up. Ha ha.
xo
“[T]hirty is the new embryo” – ha! I’m totally plumbing in back and spilling in front with my three babes muffin top! TMI, I know, I know.
Oh, this is hilarious! That chant. You killed me. Absolutely slain, am I.
And I love that I can hear your voice when I read this. Love it.
xo elizabeth
This reminds me of the time I was visiting my mother-in-law in the nursing home. Wearing my usual jeans and Tshirt, I was crouched down in the sitting area talking to my mother-in-law while she sat in her wheelchair. The 200-year-old-or something woman sitting on the other side of me said in an extremely loud voice for the whole room to hear, “Honey, I can see your ass.” Yes, ma’am. Thank you.
a well tied cardigan around the midriff solves many problems. Well, it will cover yer arse…don’t know about upping the fashion factor 🙂
You see, now, I don’t bend down. I just asked the person nearest to me, “could you get that? I have a bad back.”
Remember to keep that coin slot clean and moisterized 🙂
Funny L’eggs story. There is a Courtney Love lookalike in my town. I once witnessed her at the CVS griping about how L’eggs don’t come in those effing plastic eggs anymore. She was pissed!
Peace ~ Rene
I’m with Jess—and Sweetpea. I don’t have kids, so I don’t have to bend down. And if I did? I have hired help.
I know. That sounds soooooo….something. Name it Ann, give it an abbreviation, or I’ll start whistlin’…
HAR!
(I like your new design. I’m glad you kept that photo . . . I love it.)
ANYWAY. Yes. I agree. And because I have a bad back, I bend rather awkwardly, which makes the whole rear-view even more distasteful.
However, I currently happen to have an all-over tan, and I don’t mind showing off the coin slot so much. It’s TAN, people!
Serious giggling here! Wish I could think of something clever to say in response, but you ar emy queen of funny.
Well, there ya GO!
Hey, I’m just happy if they call me a GILF. I’ll give ’em a peek at my crack if they’re interested. It’s free actually, as I do love me some low-riders. Hold it, while Nana bends over.
My daughters don’t seem bothered by this phenomena. I use camisols that I can pull waaay down.
An interesting parallel is to the pants seen on young teenage men, where their pants are SO low, they’re actually below their butt, showing so much underwear it’s hard to not notice the chocolate landing strip on the back. So apparently Mom’s want to get in on the game of showing their ASSets? Go to it, no one cares anymore!
Oh my. haha! I think I will start singing that chant to my hubby instead of the “pants on the ground one.” He’s getting a little sick of that one and it’s time to spice up the marriage again a bit. Thanks!
living in Las Vegas for so long my first thought at seeing a butt crack is to run and put a quarter in the slot to see if I win the jackpot.