The Binding of Isaac: A little Dexter, A little Dr. Sears

Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish new year, begins on Wednesday evening. Meaning, Jews everywhere get to hear their Rabbi’s nthteen interpretation of the biblical passage retelling The Binding of Isaac. Do you suddenly feel very excited to hear mine?

The story involves God calling Abraham to bring him a burnt offering. Abraham slays a ram for his Holiness’ tailgate, but God wants Abraham to offer up his only son Isaac as the offering instead. Abe’s first thought was probably not “DAMMIT. What am I supposed to do with all this Ram and why didn’t I take my Mother-in-Law up on that deep freezer for the basement”

Abraham follows God’s orders meticulously, even raising his hand to slay his precious Isaac until angels intervene at the very last moment. I seem to remember him taking great pains to prepare the altar to God’s specification , which only makes me feel guilty about my lack of preparedness for the High Holy days. Thanks a lot, Abraham.

My guilt stems from an ongoing “Granny Inferiority Complex” resulting from a combination of nostalgia and intimidation at memories of sparkling silver, pristine linens, and homecooked meals prepared by my Grandmas, gracing the holiday tables of my youth. No, my grandmas did not simply shove the weeks-worth of paper over to the other side of the kitchen island, and throw down some stained placemats—nor did their roasts come shrink-wrapped and premarinated.

God? Hi God. It’s Ann. As far as burnt offerings go, will Trader Joe’s Burgundy Pepper Boneless Lamb Leg work?

Back to our story: God spares Abraham from having to kill Isaac—feeling satisfied that Abraham’s readiness to kill his son sufficiently proved his devotion. Well, technically angels stop Abe and command him to untie his son from the altar. Am I the only one seeing Michael C. Hall/Dexter in the roll of Abraham? Encasing the altar in plastic, binding up annoying little Cody from season 1 as Isaac, and the mirage-of-Harry as God advising him throughout?

If Showtime helped me cast The Binding of Issac, parenting gives me new insight into its message.

Perhaps Abraham is just a normal parent—overly tired and trying a little too hard to please everyone including his boss. After all, some women develop postpartum psychosis and perceive eerily similar messages. Not that you’ll find it spelled out this way in your Dr. Sears’ child owner’s manuel, but older children are famous for pushing us to that “bind you and offer you up” place.

Maybe God/Harry felt sympathy as in “Dude. I get it. I often want to kill your weird psychopath-ass, too” Maybe it was Abraham/Dexter’s parenting exhaustion coupled with his fury over Cody/Isaac’s peeing everywhere BUT the designated pee tent, and crazy from hearing Isaac’s incessant begging for Lego Racers—that made him take God’s word too far and too literally.

Mercifully, in The Binding of Isaac no one gets slayed in the end. And maybe this is the lesson too—parenting may bring you to the brink of destruction, but angels (friends, loved ones, definitely NOT Dexter’s annoying wife Rita) and Trader Joes pre-marinated holiday meals can help bring you back.

Happy New Year friends!