Good morning and thank you for waking me as soon as that pesky darkness began to lift. This is my best hour! Would you two like to watch 2 hours of TV? Pixie stick dejeuner? Get Dad’s welding helmets on and swim trunks and spray water from the deck into the living room?
I’m not even going to make myself coffee or do any business, I’m going to get right up on the step stool and dig around in the highest cupboard because I know you “just want to see what’s up there.” I won’t stop until I can produce the the TicTacs I threw out two years ago.
What a beautiful day. 75 degrees and sunny. Who can choose between ChuckECheese, Target and ToysRUs? We have so much to do in time for your birthdays in December and February. Let’s get Moon Sand first okay? And then a Wii, and a DS, and maybe a new house because “Are we ever even going to move or are we always just going to live here in this same house?” We will stay until we spend more money but first–
Hmmmmm. First let’s ride bikes but only if I promise you candy or screens. Before we even get into the driveway start asking me how many circles you have to bike before you can come inside and have a popsicle. And I mean RED DYE NO 2 baby, none of that frozen juice on a stick bull-schnitzel. I’m not even going to get dressed, you definitely shouldn’t either. Don’t change those wet pants. In fact, how about we forget about the toilet and pee-hose our way through the day. Hey, no preschool structure, no pee structure. Deal?
Now repeat after me–really loud so the church gardeners across the street can hear.: “Butt! A-Word! Nimples! S-Word! Peenhuss! Fart! PapaJonah! Middle Finger! Sucks! Stupid! Peehole! Cussword! I said the A-Word!”
Time for lunch. We better get to McDonald’s, and if they don’t give us the right Happy Meal toy we are TOTALLY GOING THROUGH THAT DRIVE THROUGH AGAIN PLAYAHS. And remember when we get home: Everyone bare-butts on the stools, dirty feet on the kitchen table, GO!
Okay, who wants to play my computer until sundown? Don’t just type, POUND! Slam those keys, and if you want a turn scream out, claw your brother and pull some hair okay? Mine!
While I’m pouring the MORE JUICE and the MORE TREATS for dinner and chatting on the phone, please come headbutt me in the crotch and yell EXCUSE ME MOM I SAID EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME MOM GET OFF THE PHONE AND FIX YOUR COMPUTER. I love that!
Okay, have fun on the computer. Go ahead and click on all the sidebar ads, sign yourself up for whatever, and explore any and all pop-ups. Meet me in my bed around midnight okay? Just run right in full-speed and send me into apoplectic shock. But not at the same time, stagger it by about 90 minutes. One last request—save your pee for my bed. Also, would someone please come and pull at my armpit stubble? Oh, and poke my moles?? Super. Nighty-night!
This made me SNORT. We’re on day three of summer. Send lawyers, guns and money.
-Ellie
We’re four weeks in, and I’ve gone full-blow stockholm. I figure if I keep their tv watching at less than 10 hours a day, I’m doing ok.
Headbutt to the crotch is my #1 rage-trigger. Seriously.
This makes me SO happy to be at work! thank god it’s monday!
Omg. I am dying. Best blog post ever. EVER.
Laughing so hard!
I will know what has happened if I start to see strange tweets and facebook status updates from you– it will mean your boys have highjacked your computer.
It’s like you sat at my house and took notes!
So you’re getting as much work done as I am this summer. Perfect summation.
I am laughing so hard I can barely stand it, this is hilarious. I had to come visit because the Empress loves you and seriously this is the best post ever. Sounds like you live in my house. Although today we had a “how many cereal puffs can you balance on your penis” contest and you did’t mention that one.
This is amazing. I feel like I should call my mom and apologize for all those summers…!
Your last email to me now makes perfect sense.
If you think for one minute it gets better when they are older, you’ve got another think coming, Missy. And I’m not talking about the kids, I’m talking about the husband.
oh my. glad i’m not the only one.
This is all so spot on. I wish my kids would leave my moles the hell alone. Hilarious.
You all appreciate teachers a bit more in the summer I am going to assume ; -)
Today I screamed, “I’M TAKING A SHOWER, SO PUT ON YOUR PANTS AND DROP THE GO-GURT IMMEDIATELY.”
I don’t even remember why.
Oh…I’m so glad my kids are grown.
Oh wait, hell. I forgot the one, you know, that overgrown adult kid I’m married to…
It moves from being physical abuse to mental abuse.
Today, in the car, I was handed a verbal list of all the disappointing things about me.
TWO THUMBS UP and THANKS for making my day, 16 and 14 yr old boys!!
You rock my world.
In this post, I love the “save the pee” for my bed.
That one had me laugh, a lot.
Like a good laugh that felt great to do.
Thank you!!!!!
So, it’s not just us?
Thank fucking God.
I should not be laughing this hard at 4am. But I am. Of course. Cause that was…I’m speechless.
Thank god camp starts next week. I am dying here.
Okay, you know I always love you, but that was the BEST POST FROM HERE TO INFINITY. Peenhuss, baby.
This was FAN EFFING TASTIC.
I love me some RED DYE NO 2 baby, none of that frozen juice on a stick bull-schnitzel!!!!
OH MY GOD! This was so fantastic! My body hurts from my Sunday exorcism but I was laughing so hard.
Oh honey.. only you could make this horrendous time hilarious! LOVE YOU! School is back in only 2 short months!
Love this!!!! My kids are too tall now to headbutt my crotch but it was a painful flashback kind of morning reading this. Thanks for the laugh!
Rooting around in that top cupboard now, looking for the HEROIN I threw out two years ago…
:-})
…A.
Amen, Sister. Amen.
I am thanking g-d that I am not alone …
I really wish I’d chosen to have kids. It sounds so, so, so . . .
OMG, when did you move into my house? My favorite from last night: “mom, I love your big soft jiggly belly.” Said while pounding head into same. Love this post. Sigh.
And the crazy thing? We’re going to get all nostalgic for this shit when they’ve grown up and moved out.
Most amazing thing I’ve read all day. LOVE.
I cannot stop laughing at the headbutt in the crotch bit. My son does that too me all the time, but mainly aims for the baby in my belly. It’s awesome.
And I’m coming over for Summer Chez Imig – did you say you have CANDY? You are the best mom evah. For reals.
I think we’ve been to Dairy Queen every day since school let out. Did you know that I decided to unplug the TV and tell the kids that it’s broken for the summer? Self-sabotage? or death wish…? Take your pick.
Thank gawd I’m not the only one who’s driven through McDonald’s twice to get the right toy– You did drive through again, right?!?!
Loved this Ann!
xo jj
You had me at the title. I just knew this was going to be a howler and it did not disappoint.
Doing an armpit check then going to make sure the volume is turned up extra high for the kids.
Soooo…having spent the last three days with my nephews. I’m going to go out on a limb and say
you
have
…boys?
STOP IT. THIS IS MY HOUSE. Alternated with the female energy of deciding a bathing suit should be worn to the grocery store and a life preserver to the library.
You have to submit this somewhere.
Who invented popsicles? Who determined the goddamn freezing point of saccharine? I hate that person.
AND…I’m about to napalm the ice cream truck.
I think this needs to be laminated and placed on every refrigerator in America- so as we’re all getting the umpteenth kiddie snack of the day, can nod our heads in silent agreement and not feel so alone- or ready to take those snacks and CHUCK em right at those sweet lil kidlets;)
You forgot the rousing chorus of “didnotdidtoodidnotdidtoodidnotdidtooIHATEYOU.” That’s our favorite summertime song and we sing it a lot. Daddy doesn’t know the words because he is AT WORK WHERE PEOPLE ARE SANE.
Wandered over here from ‘Pearl, Why You Little…” and thoroughly enjoying it!
I thought this post quite funny until I got to the last paragraph when I did genuine LOLs.
My oldest didn’t do the full-tilt thing, she did the ‘stand at the side of the bed staring at Mommy willing her to wake until Mommy realizes there’s someone standing there and wakes up having a heart attack before she realizes it’s me and not a deranged intruder’ thing. Fun times.