Welcome to the natural habitat of the adorable, yet occasionally vicious Toddlerus Tantrumicus. As your guide, I feel responsible for protecting your safety and sanity.
Please take the following precautions if you see one of our chubby little friends, and especially if you have a close encounter of the of the toddler-kind:
Don’t show fear. Toddlerus tantrumi sense fear and use it to their advantage.
Back away slowly. Chasing the toddleri as they do their circular tantrum ritual only results in dizzy, sweaty, winded adults.
Shushing the toddlerus tantrumi only increases their decibel-level. Sometimes blasting your car radio can stun them into silence—at least momentarily.
Keep all appendages away from the toddlerus orifice. If the tantruming toddler bites down, do not scream in agony, for this only tightens their clamping jaw. If you relax, eventually they might, and you can treat your wound accordingly.
Do not attempt dressing the toddlerus tantrumicus. For, the dressier the outfit–the larger the tantrum.
If you try to transport toddlerus trantrumicus, special care must be taken to ensure a sufficient grip. Toddlerus trantrumicus possess a unique inward-body-collapsing mechanism that makes it almost impossible to contain them.
You can try reasoning with this unpredictable species, invoking them to “use your words,” but you risk a spit/snot projectile, a flailing appendage smackdown, or perhaps an ear-drum damaging, innocent-bystander attention-getting toddlerus tantrumicus primadonnus-arias.
If all else fails, the adult human may lie in the prone position with vulnerable areas shielded. Eventually the naked hellion toddlerus trantrumicus will circle out of steam, and your vulnerable body will provide an interesting distraction.
Before you begin your experience with the neo-natives, I will arm you with lollipops, stickers, and binkys…these tools can prove invaluable bartering mechanisms.
Good luck and God speed!
Day late and a dollar short. My vulnerable body and ear drums may have been protected from the massive damage inflicted upon them last night … HAD I ONLY BEEN INFORMED.
Damn internet. I tried to Google toddlerus tantrumicus last night to no avail.
Brilliant. Thanks for the tips. I’ve learned that using the f-word doesn’t really help the situation. Candy is usually how I combat tantrums.
You don’t mind if I whistle, do you? (ask Amy 🙂
I am unable to use my words at the moment!!
I will get back to you later!!!
I was fortunate in that my daughter didn’t do the tantrums when she was young. She saved it aaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllll for her teenage years. Yay me! 😐
Lyndsay, keep this guide with you at all times. and perhaps a toddler-leash.
Thanks, Kirsten! Absolutely yes on rewarding negative behavior ;).
Braja, umm. sure. that could be a distraction if its REALLY REALLY LOUD
Michelle, ok..I’ll wait.
Simplicity, I don’t believe you. Selective memory. Ok, I believe you.
Do these safety tips work on puppies and angry cats too?
They are like Gila Monsters.
What if we put them in the car with promises of ice cream and then drop them off on grandma’s doorstep????
Welcome, Tiggy. Yikes, I dare not say.
Feckless, spoken like a man with a Gila Monster.
Julia, very very wise.
My school has several of these creatures. It’s a regular zoo, I tell ya!
Har! I’ve heard they run in packs and if you lie down and expose your tender underbelly, they may show mercy and not rip your throat out…immediately.
[shudder]
Hold me.
~ Anna
This whole post gave me a mental image of what I must look like chasing my own toddler around and trying to reason with him while dodging projectiles. I’m actually pretty glad there’s no video.
Thank god i’m past that stage. How about some help with 5 yr olds?
I’ll have to share this post with my sister who has an 11 month old and another baby due in April! muahahaha
I am so glad I’m finished with that!!! Now I’m dealng with teenage bitch symndrome. The only thing that works for that is alcohol… for the parent, not the teenager
Great post!
Happy blogging,
Toddler Safety
Priceless. Now I can go to bed smiling!
Beth, Its a jungle out there…be careful
Anna, I’m here. Everything will be okay.
Bean, perhaps we can stage a reenactment?
Army Brats, welcome to my blog. 5 years old, happens next month. Stay tuned…
Aura, Welcome Welcome Sisters one and all!
Joanie, yes booze is the one constant…
Pasifik, Thanks and you too. Thanks for coming by.
Anymommy, S is for SLEEP and Smile (tee hee)
blast car radio… to stun. Got it. I will remember that one for the one on the way.
Binky: (Like American Express)Don’t Leave Home Without It.
Apathy Lounge
http://wordgirl5.typepad.com/apathy_lounge
Where were these tips 13 years ago when I needed them? LOL Those are great and OH SO TRUE!
Love it! Ohhhhh the memories! I still enjoy the car stereo technique…similar to it, the I-can-scream-just-as-loud-and-longer technique works wonders!
Oh gosh, when you think about it kids should be banned. The only consolation is these terrible toddler memories dim and are replaced with even worse tennage ones…..they say if you drink enough you forget…good luck. It would make a great book your posts.
Panic, loud ethnic music (in my case hebrew) is an amazing tantrum re-director…
Apathy: perfect tag line
Dizz: I don’t know, but you lived through it apparently!
Melissa, Another good strategy, I agree.
Lilly, thanks so much for your kind words, both about banning children and about a book 🙂
Oh, my. This is a crack up! And, I can so relate right now.
; -) I remember those days. Good luck with the tantrums. Someday they turn 16, grab your keys, take your car, and there you go.
Thank God I do not have to deal with that crap anymore. It is so much more fun with teens. No, wait, I think it the same thing.
How do they do that whole “inward-collapsing” thing?? Reading this reminds me of how HAPPY I am that I only have about one more year of this shite to wade through. :)))
My friend will just lie down and play dead. Works every time. I have yet to try it.
Michele, and I always relate to your posts.
Pseudo, that’s comforting yet terrifying.
ettarose, thanks for stopping by and see comment to pseudo.
Amy, Cheers to that!
bern, yup, I do that too.