A healthy baby is a blessing, but a healthy baby with a high page rank is better.
Pregnancy is an exciting time with many considerations and demands. You must observe strict prenatal care guidelines, fit the crib with coordinating impractical textiles, and most importantly, get a jump start on babies’ social networking profile. I recommend reading Penelope Trunk’s Guide to Blogging, Scary Mommy’s Blog Tips, and Marinka’s Remedial Blog School out loud to your fetus. You’re already putting embryo on preschool wait-lists, so go ahead and get him on plenty of Twitter lists!
TIP: Consider naming your baby with a numeral. Not only is it avant-garde and hyper-Hollywood, but also baby will appear at the top of blogrolls and any alphanumeric list. Don’t make your precious bundle wait for Child of The Week–insure her line-leadership for life!
TIP: Include Google keywords as parenthetical middle names. You can start increasing baby’s page rank immediately by inserting highly-searched keywords right in his given name.
The Allen Family welcomes twins 1Aaron(iPad) and 1Amanda(Prius)!!
TIP: As soon as you’ve selected a baby name, secure baby’s Twitter handle and custom domain. Who wants a dotnet when they could have a dotcom? Before you consider 401C3 non-profit status and buy a dotorg, consider how you might limit baby’s earning potential. If you begin blogging at conception, you might earn baby enough pageviews for decent ad revenue by the time she holds up her head!
TIP: Although the current parenting zeitgeist shuns labeling, you will find labels—if used strategically–a helpful way to set your newborn apart from all those millions of other infants. Instead of casual Facebook comments like “cute” or “gasbag who never sleeps” try phrases like “Gerber baby” “colic” or “Bride of Chucky”
TIP: Most importantly link to other babies—lots of babies! Save trees and start generating traffic with a cyber birth announcement. Link names and addresses of other recently born humans—heck just pluck them out of the newspaper. Don’t be deterred by rudeness when you call these random people and ask them for their first born’s url. Pity the sleep-deprived ignorant, for they know not what blogospherical opportunities they eschew. They’ll thank you for it later, and their babies will certainly reciprocate all those incoming links just as soon as they perfect their pincher grasp!
Prenatalians, stop obsessing over vaccines, and developmental milestones and start sending out those friend requests! Evolution will take care of babies’ survival, but only you can build babies’ platform.
Love this!!!! Probably closer to the truth than we imagine.
Hysterical, clever, brilliant. If I were to have a baby (first of all at my age hell would freeze over) I would definitely take every bit of your advice and run with it.
😉
It’s so true we’ve evolved from CB handles to twitter handles.
Sick? Wrong? Are you nuts? This is 1Absolutely(Tiger Woods) 1Amazing(left-over ham recipes)!
OK this was a delightful find today as I was hopping around the blos-o-so-fear … Glad I stumbled over here … Following you now- stop by my place when you can 😉
ha ha, that’s too funny. I actually happened to post one today about future babies blogging as fetuses on iWombs. Scary.
And for the record, I’m naming my next baby LOL! (with exclamation point). She’ll be everyone’s favorite.
You are a genius.
Love,
1FanOfAnn(JustinBieber)
I think that I’ll have to test this out with the next kid. We’ll call him Dotcom baby. Should be interesting to see what happens.
you are a visionary’s visonary
Once again, you leave me speechless with these inner peaks into your mind.
How do you even think of these things?
Love it.
Love your commenter abouve, “iwombs.”
I wanted to name our daughter for endowments. My husband wasn’t thrilled about the name “Gates Carnegie National Science Foundation” though.
I learn so much from you ann. 😉
wait…can’t i tweet ABOUT developmental milestones?
HAR!
That’s it — no witty comment. This was damn funny. And not too far off, either.
How you come up with this, i do not know, woman!
Super funny.
E.
We are in new and expectant mode in my universe and I have several new mothers that will laugh out loud at this– and add keywords to their baby names. Ha! Love this. Very creative.
jj
This post is pure genius. I loved it!! And, now? I want to have another baby just so I cam follow these.
The internet wasn’t what it was when my kids were born, so, alas, they have completely missed out on the keyword-enhanced names and securing their dotcoms.
However, my grandkids will be luckier.
(Absolutely brilliant and hilarious post!)
Love this, and not just because my sorority nickname was “gasbag who never sleeps.”
Dam, I missed my chance!
my teens are screwed with old fashioned handles like princesssparkle322 and musikchik4ICU. they’re so old fashioned – they only think they don’t want to be found. FUNNY POST.
Good lord girl you are too flippin’ funny. Where do you come up with this stuff?
Sadly when I had Ben I was still using a rotary phone… therefore he has no Twitter handle. The GUILT! THE PAIN!
Fantastic. Now I want a fresh baby.
It takes a village.
I read this with my mouth wide open, delaying the squeals until finished. Now I’m getting my husband over here to read it.
thank god i’ll never be pregnant again. (twitter and the blog world should thank me, too – for I would tweet/post about every ail!)
I read this post again today because it’s like When Harry Met Sally, just gets better every time. No matter what my husband says. Too funny and smart.
Talk about rubbing salt in the wound… Starting my blog in 2007, naming it THE Big Piece of Cake, and continuing to fail at Twitter participation…I see a complete baby FAIL in my future. Oh wait – I mean my present, since I stopped having babies in 2006. Damn.
But at least you gave me a good laugh.
This is excellent advice. I’m using wordtracker to figure out what to name my twins.
I thought babies were obsolete. Isn’t there an app for that yet?
Okay – I’m calling genius on this one too. Ann, you are on a roll sister….really. This is so friggin’ awesome! And it makes me a little afraid too.
And Deb’s comment is also really making me laugh….
🙂
Did you write this post for me, Ann? I am pretty sure you did…which makes me adore you even more. I need all the help I can get when it comes to the baby naming department.
Hell, who am I kidding? Any tips on raising children are welcomed too.
So, let’s get down to business…I’ve only got a few months to go, you know. Thinking 2xsAnnRants. Kinda has a nice ring to it, no?
Reminds me of my daughter and son-in-law’s prenatal search for a name. Their requirements were quite rigid, including, “No Hobbit, pirate or elf names.” But that was two years ago and in BT time — Before Twitter.
You are so right. I don’t know what I was thinking when I made my 11yo daughter delete her twitter page because I thought she was too young. Perhaps it was her user name ‘justinbeiber579’. I’ll have her and my six yo start new ones tomorrow!
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Hi There..Thanks for following Laugh Out Loud. I hope you will email me a link to one of your funniest posts, so I can add you to the Calendar..Im looking forward to getting to know you and your sense of humor..!!..Laffylady
I a forget where I stopped by from (Momnesia in full flow today) but am so glad I did. Love this post – so funny and yet sadly also very true. I am your newest fan and follower
I have no idea how I missed this post. I was probably too busy googling myself.
Very very funny.
Oh dear god this is nuts-o. Must resist the Twitter twap.
Unbelievably funny! My girls don’t even twitter so I’m going to need to be in charge of the baby names. I don’t know what they would do with their Mom, really, who doesn’t tweet?