I won a giveaway over at Jessica Bern’s site by sharing the most shocking thing anyone’s ever said to me. Remember that SNL sketch where people wanted to know the grossest thing they ever ate, and the angel at the pearly gates wouldn’t tell them? He would only tell them the 50th (or some odd) grossest thing, because the grossest thing would be way too upsetting. Given that I’ve blocked the top ten anyway, I now present…
The 19th to 29th most offensive things ever said to me:
“You’ll probably have to do this again in your twenties, when your hormones change again” after enduring painful electrolysis on my upper lip as a teen. My hormones change again? What am I, a Chia-pet? Will I grow boobs next time? Thank goodness she stopped there…(and again in your thirties, and again pre-menopause, and eventually liver spots plus hairy moles…)
“Your mother is sooooooo beautiful. You guys look nothing alike”
“You are impossible to work with, and no one is ever going to want to work with you again” said by fired employee on her way out the door. I stopped her to make sure she didn’t leave behind her stainless steel salad bowl. Note to self: best not to chase after a fired employee with a salad bowl.
“Your butt is jiggly” said to me mid-make out session with an older, very cute boy. When I was seventeen. And he didn’t mean bootylicious.
“This is your last morning. If you don’t let me watch that viveo, you can’t celebrate Hanukkah’s birthday” Threat from Five-Year-Old when he was Just Four
“Your son is soooooo beautiful. You guys look nothing alike”
“He said you look like a young Angelica Houston.” Now I might take this as a compliment, but not at 19, from a friend of an ex-boyfriend. Also reminds me of when my High School gym teacher/pervert told me I looked just like a young Barbara Streisand. Thhhannnks.
“My bed is yucky” Two-year-old’s ominous words…
“You must stop eating any and all dairy products” the pediatrician commanded after diagnosing my infant son’s dairy intolerance, when I was still nursing and about to vacation in Northern Wisconsin.
and the prize-winning entry…
“Ann, you shit on everything beautiful” said by co-cast member of a theater who failed to show up for laundry duty. I did all the laundry, I confronted him…and apparently I shat on his beauty.
Have a great week everyone. xoxoxxo
Brilliant. Yes some of those sound familiar strangely.
“You shit on everything beautiful,” how hilarious is that one? Over laundry? Um and just so I can get accused of shitting on everything beautiful too…..its so true about the hair removal thing. Once I hit my peri-menopasual years it seemed to sprout like weeds in the strangest places. No fun.
By the way, I have always loved Angelica Houston’s look. She is beautiful, interesting and a classic.
Have a great week too – and start listing the best things anyone has ever said to you – I started to think of my bad ones and it makes me sad….some were horrendous….
Please tell me you stuffed that drama dorkwad in the dryer. If not, do you know where he lives now? Because I’ve got the van warming up outside and I’m in just the mood…
;^) Anna
Great post!!
The last one was crappy funny (a good thing).
The things people say.
You should totally do a post on the worst things YOU’VE said to people (that you saw happening but couldn’t stop your mouth from doing)!
I think you’re far more beautiful than a young Angelica Huston. But you should sneer like she does, i’m sure it does wonders for the vibes around you….
ha! thou shalt not shit on beauty! I once had a faculty/pervert member tell me I reminded him of Dolly Parton. ???!!!?!?!?!
I do believe you did the world a favor for ‘shatting’ on his beauty and I would have done the same thing. Don’t shat on ya kids though, that would be bad!
Did he say you shit on everything while using exaggerated arm motions and head-bobs?!?!
Too funny – nice post!
Great entries. I am sure ALL of those things were said out of deep admiration and didn’t come out as they were intended.
Most of the distubing comments I’ve heard came from the mouths of my children. After making boxed macaroni and cheese (because they begged me not to make the homemade kind), “This is so good it is almost like eating in a restaurant.”
Great list! And congrats on winning a giveaway.
If these are 19-29. I would be afraid to hear #1, so you are correct!
Most disturbing comment I have received lately was from my son who said my belly was big. Then he pointed at my boobs, which either way, was lose-lose! So I took it as he was talking about my stomach, so I didn’t have to deal with explaining boobs to my four year old!
I hope you replied to all these remarks with witty and snarky comments of your own.
I’m guilty of saying the “you guys look nothing alike” comment and then adding…but you’re so thin.
I bet that once the moment was gone, you thought of the perfect come-back. Don’t you just hate that?! I truly believe you get what you give — tenfold. So revel in the fact that these people are going to be criticized even more.
The worst thing ever said to me (that I can remember, and hey, my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet so forgive me) was that I had “no personality”. I mean, is it possible to have NO personality? Did she mean like a robot? And since eleventy-billion people have told me I’m a bitch, wonder if it’s possible for a bitch to have “no personality”?
100% of the time I’ve seen/heard the word “shat” it has been funny. Thanks for not breaking my streak.
I get the variation “Your girls are sooo beautiful, they look NOTHING like you.” Uhhh… thanks?
This is a great list! I’d jump in here and contribute but if I start putting thought into this I think I’ll lose my happy mojo… I’m just gonna enjoy yours 🙂
the one about “my bed is yucky”. been there, done that, too many times
Oh my gosh! Growing up my extended family would always say to my sister “pmg you look so beautiful!” and then they would turn to me and say “wow, you guys dont look alike, at all!”…nice
Hilarious. I love when people think they’re complimenting you but really, they’re insulting you.
I remember when my gorgeous cousin moved to Madison in high school, all my friends said “She is sooo beautiful! How are you guys related?” Um gee, our moms are sisters?
And I’m racking my brain trying to figure out who the older cute boy was;)
Hey, not too bad!! Except the jiggly butt comment! I would have stuffed a pillow up his!
You’re right. . . the most shocking would be way too upsetting. . .
“…jiggly” was the mid-session?! You mean you let him keep touching you after that? I think maybe you’re funny AND slutty.
(a photographer – shooting my senior pictures – told me I looked like Alanis Morisette. And now I want to stab you, you stupid stupid man.)
you DO look like Angelica Houston 😉
I don’t think that is such a bad list, nobody threatened harm to you in any way. Right? That’s good.
I miss your blog. I have been away for a long long time. I am back
Your post made me smile:)
Hugs and Mocha
Stesha
Love the post..I used to get the ” your mom is so beautiful thing” too..
🙁
So funny, Ann – And sometimes people are just shitty, non? My most recent startling statment event as witness only, was hearing a posh over-sixty customer talking to her heavily pregnant hairdresser. She asked what names the young woman had picked out for the baby, and on hearing, “…Lacey May if it’s a girl”, she said, “Ooh no, that’s awful. It sounds like a dog’s name!”
Even if you thought that, you’d never say it to a girl, would you! Terrifying… and this was a v. funny post thank you, as are all yours, you star you! x
Hey, if it’s really beautiful, it can withstand a little shit, right? Love your list!
Great. And heck yer perddy!
I told a co-worker I was doing, ya know what I do, going on a date. She said,
“You’re not going to wear THAT are you? Don’t you own any CUTE shirts?”
Haha people are so awesome. I’m going to email you my most precious gem because it’s like the angel at the pearly gates.
Oh and I once got fired while actually sitting on the toilet. She passed an envelope under the stall door. She really was impossible to work with, so you should feel good!
I hope you brained mr ‘you shit on everything beautiful’ with a super-large laundry soap.
I love it.
Glad to know I’m not the only one who gets crap like this.
When I was a (lacking confidence) teenager treading the precarious waters of high school, I hear more than once (or twice or ten times . . .) You’re Linda’s little sister? (incredulous tone), Oh my God! She was sooooo beautiful in high school!
Ya.
Just caught up on reading your last few posts. This was my favorite one…and you posted it on my birthday! 😀