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Nightly

    9:00 pm fall asleep fully clothed while “reading”

    9:30 pm Husband tries to extricate laptop from my warm embrace

    10:00 pm Husband turns off light, I sit straight up “I’M AWAKE!” startling husband, who hits his head on closet door where he is rooting around for his jimmies (spell check’s word for male jammies I gather)

    11:00 pm Dexter-The-Cat begins keening because a) he grieves his deceased Fur-Bastard brother, b) as a prelude to his “worm” breakdancing move, effective for hairball expulsion, or c) he demands Nine Lives (as in the catfood, but perhaps he is having an existentialist crisis as well)

    11:30 pm Husband comes to bed. Leaves hall light on. My heaving sigh clearly communicates a polite request for him to turn light off immediately.

    12:45 am The hall light remains on. Dexter has progressed into full worm-breakdance mode and I hear his signature toneless-accordion hairball wretch O-EEO-EE-O-EE-O-EE-EE

    2:30 am Round house “nudge” cues Husband to flip on his stomach, while I loudly and rhetorically command “SNORE STRIP!”

    2:45 am “HUSBAND! FLIP!” Husband actually flips this time, as opposed to quasi-dream-state flop previously attempted.

    4:00 am House settling noises occur. I administer pillow head coverage, making suffocation easy for intruder indicating house settling noises. (No, I do not administer pillow head coverage to didgeridoo man sharing my bed)

    4:30 am DAMMIT, FLIP OVER. Again, rhetorical, as no one is listening.

    5:00 am Dexter, our still alive cat, bursts through bedroom door with his best “HEY KOOL-AID” impersonation, startling Husband and I awake. Two-Year-Old considers waking, but senses a dangerously toxic level of Mommy-rage. Calls out half-heartedly for ten minutes, as I talk myself down: Go to sleep Ann, you can do it, go to sleep. Do not start thinking about blogging. NO BLOGGING. Hmmm…9:00 pm fall asleep fully clothed while reading. 9:30 pm husband tries to extricate laptop from my warm embrace…

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Not sure how to thank Ms. Vodka–blogger-teacher-mama extraordinaire–sufficiently for the gigundo picture/linky she put on her blog. Vodka Mom, thank you for sharing a bit of your adoring audience with me, and thank you so much for your encouragement and enthusiasm. Unfortunately Five’s teacher will never be able to live up to my Kindergarten teacher ideal now. Perhaps we’ll bring her vodka instead of an apple.

    xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Doing my first give-away on Friday, so circle back for free stuff!

    0 thoughts on “Nightly”

    1. ladyfi

      If I had been drinking coffee I would have snorted it via my nose and ears by now! Too funny… My husband flip has turned into: go and sleep on the damn sofa before I kill you kind of rage now…

    3. The Rambler

      Egads, we could never sleep together.

      My husband is you and I am your husband.

      He can’t STAND it. I’m fearful one day he will put the pillow over my face 🙂

      GREAT POST!

    7. Lindy

      What is it with the light being left on? My exaggerated sigh ends with “get the hell out of bed and turn the light off.”

      More importantly, 11:30??? Wow – if I’m not in bed by 8:30 – look out. I know, pathetic.

    8. lisa

      Our dog enjoys making licking & slurping noises on my side of the bed. Last night, I told him “Stop, you’re getting more action than me.” Now move your orgasmic self back into the hall.

      Sorry, got carried away. I’ll call my terapist now – or the vet. Either way.

    9. Michelle

      What a wonderful world of sleep you live in!!! Just when you think you are sleeping, it’s time to wake up. Then sleep walk through the day only to stay awake all night again!!!!

      WOO!!!

    14. bernthis

      I don’t want to share with you the places I’ve been, the things I’ve been doing (no not sex although I wish) where upon I begin to think about what blog post I will write next

    19. Kathy B!

      Okay. I just laught so freakin’ hard that my entire family is looking at me as though I’ve grown a second head… and apparently that one is laughing, too!

      Bwahahaha 🙂

      This is one for the record books. I’ll have your cat’s image burned on my brain for all of eternity.

    20. Comedy Goddess

      I swear by ear plugs for a full nights sleep.

      My mother swears by a shot of Sambuca when she wakes up at 4am, and goes back to sleep until 7am.

      But it’s your call.

    25. Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub

      YOU HAve definitely hit a nerve with husbands and snoring! Gah. I’ll have to do a post about the time I snapped when I was pregnant and my husband wouldn’t flip. I was so mad I literally was seeing red!

      And now I almost wish I could see you doing an impression of Dester…. hee hee! 🙂

      Didgeridoo?!?! AWESOME!!!!! LOL

    27. CDB

      Ok, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have these blogging pseudo-dreams as well, laying there in the dark. Hm. (And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t attempt to start my comment during the middle of your post because I had to give props to “didgeridoo man” and “still alive cat.”)

      Priceless, those.

    28. Ryan Ashley Scott

      … I was just drinking out of my mini kool-aid-pitcher-shaped-guy cup the other day.

      Someday, someone’s gonna create an automatic snore-catching sound machine that will cause men to roll over in their sleep… without all the kicking/punching/rib-poking/nose-holding/spitting/hair-pulling on our part.

    30. Blicky Kitty

      haha I wasn’t sure whether to laugh hysterically or cry. I’m too sleep deprived to know. Thank you for making my nightly suffering seem funny. I never knew that was a form of breakdancing. I have so much more admiration for the animals in my life now. Isn’t is awesome when they perform it for company?