What I should do for my planet: invest in a pick-ax or ice-fishing tools and bury cat feces in my backyard throughout our five months of winter. Or use flushable litter and spend even more time with our toilet and surrounding “back splash.” Better yet, once I get A3 (Almost Three) potty-trained, I should train Dexter (Fat Ass) to toilet. Because the pervasive camp bathroom smell in our house needs a little more oomph.
What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for all eternity. I believe this practice is actually illegal, as is the term “hoagie” but I always liked hearing Cliff Huxtable say it on The Cosby Show, and wanted to use it in context at least once in my life. No one in my geographical area uses the word hoagie. Also, when archaeologists dig up our modern civilization, I want cat feces represented along with Doggie-doodoo bags and Diaper-Genie-Sausages.
Before someone gives me the name of a biodegradable cat-colostomy bag, I want you to know that I have thought this through. As I try to wedge the pee-clump-hoagie into narrow newspaper sleeves, I am proudly reusing and recycling. I saved every one of those bags from when I subscribed to the daily paper—until I decided that all that newsprint was wasteful even if it was recycled, and I was tired of the clutter, and I couldn’t stomach anymore local stories like the one about the couple who let their pet rat eat their infant’s toes. That did not help me greet the morning. So I sacrificed my command of current events for Mother earth, as well as my vocabulary, because my plan to utilize on-line crossword puzzles and breaking news cannot compete with the high priority that is “building my platform.”
If you do not know what “building my platform” is, you might call it “wasting my entire life on facebook” or perhaps you meditate or spend your free time with the humans in your family.
As you sit in judgment of my eco-terrorism, please do note that not only am I reusing newspaper sleeves and educating future archeologists, I have also sacrificed my health by coming into contact with the toxoplasmo-gies. I do it all in the name of Gaia. AND after all this sacrifice, one of my first blog friends, Joanne, is going to be pissed at me for not supporting my local newspaper (see below).
In closing, can the etymologist in the group verify any connection between Paul Bunyan and bunions, as they both famously involve feet?
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Submit your unusual gift anecdote to The Falmouth Enterprise!
Joanne, Special Section Coordinator of The Enterprise Newspapers, and blogger from The Mommy Rant , wants answers to the following question:
“What is the strangest gift you’ve ever received?”
Responses can be in the form of a single word, or a single word with a short explanation of why it was unusual. She’s hoping to publish it in the holiday gift guide, so she would like your first and last name, as well as the name of the town you live in. She is probably less interested in whether or not you use the word hoagie in your town.
Email your response to Joanne
jbriana.gartner@gmail.com
I actually do package my kitty dumplings in specially purchased, bio-degradable garbage bags. I don’t recall how much they cost off hand, but I have been mulling over the option of simply letting them take their dumps directly into my wallet instead.
I wrap the litter nicely for the garbage men, while holding my breath.
i smell cat poop.
My cat box currently resides in my bathroom, or my closet when I tire of his 2 AM mewlings and lock his ass up. I don’t know about you, but nothing starts the day off for me quite like the feeling of walking across cat litter in my bare feet. It’s like a hoagie with extra salami.
The cat’s 14- do you think it’s too late for him to go live outside? We do live next to a busy road and all, but he can dodge and weave, right?
I used to have a cat. And a litter box. I miss the cat sometimes (though I don’t miss her pukey surprises). I don’t miss the box.
I’ve just been scooping up and throwing away the hoagies in a plastic bag. I lied. My husband does it. Should we be burying it? There’s so much dog poo in our backyard (tho the perpetrator remains unknown, even after 3 years), that maybe I should just dump the hoagies out there too. It can’t smell any worse after a summer rain.
How people survive BOTH children AND pets is beyond me. I can barely keep up with cleaning the human pee pee in my house. I like to think that my natural make up and cleaners offset the rocket fuel scented carpet cleaners that have been my last resort for the potty training failures (at least cats pee in a box).
I collect my dog’s crap and either throw it directly in the river behind my house (therefore contributing nicely to the e-coli bacteria population in my town’s drinking water) or store it inside discarded car batteries which I then bury in random spots near the local playground.
Good for you for thinking about it. I can feel the guilt. But in the name of stenchy toilets, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I know, think green and all that. Maybe I’ll cook up a post about cat poop for Thursday.
I am married to the crystals style of litter. No bad smells and it’s really cool to find the tiny shards embedded in my skin when they turn up in our bed.
I, too, do the clumps into the plastic bag into the landfill for all time. Me, who recycles Post-Its. I’m seriously shamed now and have vowed to forever more take said plastic bag out into the yard (I live on 10 acres, for God sake. I have NO excuse for my unacceptable behavior), dig a freakin’ hole and dump it in. Except maybe in the rain. Thanks for showing me the err of my selfish-ass ways.
I don’t have a cat, but I’m posting what I sent as my strangest gift – a bottle of Woolite and a lingere bag for Christmas from my mother-in-law, who obviously mistrusts my laundry skills.
Hey! I do object to the idea that newspapers are wasteful (even if it be true)! I can send you a nice newspaper log roller and perhaps you can heat your house with the paper during those cold Wisconsin winters!
I once used the newspaper bags to pick up the stray cat poo that didn’t land in the litter box but there’s so much of it these days (the cat is 18) that I’ve given up. Now I just use my bare hands with a perfunctory dunk under the faucet on my way back through the kitchen. Maybe I can train the twins to fetch it.
I dutifully save all plastic bags for my DH to return to the supermarket. No doubt he tosses them in the woods as soon as he’s out of our driveway.
Maybe after you potty train A3 you can use the leftover diapers on FA.
No one in New England uses the word hoagie either, except in referring to a certain fishing lure.
There are so many different points to comment on in this post that I am not even sure where to start, Ann.
Maybe I should just say that if I was ever given the chance to live inside your head, you know, Being John Malkovich style, I might just take a pass.
🙂
Can I send you my red-headed step cat so you can benefit from his droppings as well? I’m dying to get rid of him. If I sit on our hotel room couch for one more day and get smashed litter on my ass, well I think I might just go crazy! Wait, too late for that!
Eco, schmeco – save yourself before the planet! Save that smell for one of your enemies as well. 😉
I can’t think of anything funny.
I guess the cat has got my tongue.
(sorry.)
Hahahahahaha!!
Thank God my cats are outside…last I saw them
I fashion kitty cigars into sequined, whimsical brooches and shoe clips that I sell on Etsy. I’m going to be rich, I tell you! RICH!
When I had a cat,(btw, she died of natural causes)my dog took care of the cat poop for me, by eating it. So I’m glad to say that my “litter box” issues were taken care of. Yes, Yes I know that poop is probably NOT all that good for a dog, but seriously who can keep them out of it 24/7.
This is why, once again, I don’t have a cat.
We inherited seven cats when we moved into our new house. The one we wanted to leave… stayed. The others are all waiting on the outskirts for him to leave.
By the way, know anyone who wants a cat?
~ Just Joany
~ Yaya
Yaya’s Home
Red Wagon Flights
Unlike that crazy Mayhem and Moxie lady, I’d love the chance to live in your head.
But not with your cat poop/pee. No, I’ll take a pass on that.
Also, I think about the disposal of poo daily because I’m a pretty earth friendly person, and yet I throw about three plastic poop bags out my door and toward the garbage at least two times a day. So naughty.
You saw that photo of the view from my window? That’s my cat’s litterbox 🙂
Well, at least our neighbor’s cat is going green as she constantly leaves presents for us in our garden.
Between the cat butts and the under 5 butts, I can’t tell you how many butts I am responsible in my house. Ick.
I have dogs, not cats. And the sizes of the shovels, in relation, are s.c.a.r.y.
My cats poop and my dog eats it. Problem solved.
Strangest gift? Envy.
What do Paul Bunyun and Bunions have to do with bug people?
OhHHHHhhh,…. “etymologist”.
Never mind.
I thought I was helping by recycling my used plastic grocery bags for cat poop disposal. I had no idea it was illegal. Well you know, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Do you think I can blog from jail? I have no time at home.
if you really want to reduce your carbon footprint, dump the cat
I am unable to move past the sentence that contained “rat” and “baby toes.” Your carbon footprint is okay with me…although it would be nice if it were a little closer to me.
Cat poop bums me out. But I respect your efforts to be a good citizen. 🙂