Inside The Blogger’s Studio

(Due to a conflict in both Mr. Lipton and Mr. Ferrell’s schedule, I will play the role of James Lipton. Amy from Bitchin’ Wives Club, does in fact play Amy, and has answered the interview questions accordingly)

James Lipton: Mimimimi-maymaymaymay-momomomo-many mumbling mice were making midnight music in the moonlight, migh-ty-nice.

Camera Man: aummm, Mr. Lipton? We’re rolling.

JL: MMMMGood evening, Bloggers. Bloggeurs. Blogenstonians.

[Long. Silent. Pause]

Writer. [pause] Photographer [pause]. Maman de trois [wink, self-satisfied grin]. Karaoke Diva. Wife. Rapturous Bee-you-tee.

As Patrick Swayze once wrote: She’s like the wind through my tree. And how. “She” is the gently wafting breeze, tickling mon arbre…

The proverbial “She?”

I give you, my dearest ones–I share with you… (whispering) the bitchin’ wife. Or (startling audience with sudden energy and hand flourish) DA BIYAATCH as she is fondly known and beloved among bloggers. Or mere readers, like moi.

Amy. Aimee. M’lady. Bernard Pivot. His questions. I simply implore you. [on bended knee..and simply mouths the word] NOW:

What is your favorite word? Oh, now that’s a tricky one, James! I guess any blogger worth her salt ought to have a few 25-cent ones stored up, though, right? Hmmm. I guess it would have to be Schadenfreude. Not that I personally take pleasure in others’ misfortune! Ha ha! I just think those crafty Germans were onto something when they came up with this one, I mean is there any other word that so perfectly captures our imperfect humanity.

What is your least favorite word? That’s an easy one, Jim. Chunk. I neither want to order “chunked” anything from a menu, nor be referred to as “chunky.” (At least not since I lost that 30 pounds!) The only perfect use of this word, in my opinion, is “blowing chunks.” Ick.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Well, Jimmy, you’re not going to believe this one, but, honestly, there is something about pine trees that get me all kinds of hopped up. I’m not sure if it is that whispery sound of the wind blowing through them, the sense that some kind of universal mute-button has been pushed while you’re walking on pine needles, the beauty of light filtered through them, or the way that the air seems to just be clearer around them…. It is an almost physical reaction for me! That Demi Moore was on to something when she retreated to the mountains of Montana for all those years, except I guess she still hasn’t made another great movie! Ha! Ooh, she did marry that young, hunky fella, though! That’s got to count for something, right? HeeHee! [wink]

What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? I’ll lay it on you straight, Jimbo: polyester sheets kill my soul. HaHa! No. I am deadly serious here. I need my sleep to work my magic. If I can’t sleep well, then everything goes downhill and I can turn into a real mega-bitch. You know what, I’m sayin’, right? So, part of my bedtime ritual is that I always have awesome, high-thread-count, silky-soft bed sheets. And three pillows. I am not joking around!

What sound or noise do you love? This might sound trite, J-man, but I adore the sound of a thunderstorm. Especially at night, [BIG smile] when I am cozy in my fancy sheets and surrounded by pillows.

What sound or noise do you hate? I cannot stand the sound of food being chewed in an open mouth. Nothing will make my stomach turn faster than when I can hear someone in close proximity chowing down.

What is your favorite curse word? Ha!Ha! That is too rich, J-Bone!! Well, I’m not going to say ‘f*ck’ because that is just too easy. No, no, no…. F*ck does have that versatility thing going for it, but I like something with just a wee bit more shock value. As a woman, the word I like to get people’s attention with is ‘pussy.’ [Smirking], There is no faster way to emasculate a man than to call him a pussy, while at the same time identifying yourself as a lady who has a pair. And, I have to say that I have broken the ice with more than one woman by using it, too. [wink, wink] [A beat goes by.] Wait a second, that sounded a lot more dirrrty than I meant it to!! What I meant was that it is something that I can use in conversation that shows I trust another gal enough to use such a vulgar word and that it can kind of take a casual “Oh, how are you?” “Oh, fine. How are you?” conversation/friendship to a different level of intimacy. Oh, shit. I am not explaining this right! Let’s move on, Jimmy-John

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? That’s a good one, Jim-a-ling-a-ding-dong. Once I’ve got more time on my hands, because being a full-time mom and blogger is pretty much a 24/7 gig, I’d like to try my hand at being a librarian. Or a rock star. I still haven’t decided which direction I’m going to go.

What profession would you not like to do? Lord, I would hate to be a hooker. I can’t even imagine what those poor ladies have to put up with!

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “Hey,everybody, look who’s here! The party has finally arrived!!! Somebody turn up the music and let’s dance!!!!”

JL: Indeed, Amy. Indeed. [Cue Macarena, JL rips off trick-suit, revealing hidden leather chaps and progresses wildly through the arm, arm, chest, chest, butt, butt sequence] Amy’s irrepressible party-power takes over and she joins in…remaining fully and fabulously clothed at a sufficient distance from the nude-butted JL.