Holiday Photo: Everybody tableaux!

Holiday photo time. Follow my simple steps to attain “See how beautiful, harmonious, and frolicky our family cultural norm is” perfection.

1. Get entire family cute at a time when neither Husband nor I have enormous zit/third eye, and children seem less leaky.

2. Stop children from using their clothing, my clothing and entire world of textiles at large in place of Kleenex.

3. Say tissues instead of Kleenex like normal people. Learn this one day. Try “bandage” instead of BANDAID, and plastic wrap instead of SARAN.

4. Practice light-hearted fun-loving carefree family that knows not of 6 weeks of puke-a-rrhea-hack-a-loogie. A little blush and lipstick might help, especially on Husband.

5. Let my hair flow in the breeze of laid back motherhood, the kind that does not scream “GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS. GET YOU HANDS OUT OF YOUR BROTHER’S PANTS. GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY PANTS AND SAY CHEESE, MOTHERPLUKKERS” [Cheese Motherplukkers!]

6. Put on soundtrack of our life to engender family gaeity. Realize that Duran Duran is not talking about simple relaxation, and when did my children gain the ability to decipher Rufus Wainright’s lyrics?

7. ‘Suggest’ Husband remove cataract-style sunglasses. Husband suggests you remove Nigel Tufnel hairdo. Declare impasse, set self-timer and throw your arms around Husband with head-tossed-backward-in-hysterical-laughter-wholesome-good-natured-holiday-slight-Hanukkah-bent-New Years Cheer!

8. Keep smiling after camera does not take photo. Keep smiling after Three says he peed his pants “a little.” They don’t look too wet to me, just hold it.

9. Declare two minute bathroom break/re-fuel. Bring leftover from Thanksgiving Redi-whip into closet and jettison directly into esophagus. No clean up!

10. Forward bend, deep breathe, quick round of “BE AGGRESSIVE B-E-A-G-G!-R-E-S-S-I-V-E” side split cheer and return for round-two. Find children naked, save Indiana Jones hats singing “Pour some sugar on me” while Indiana Jones-whipping Husband asleep on the couch.

11. Re-strategize holiday card:

I chose paper culture for my cards this year because they supported women and creativity by sponsoring CA’10. Also, their assortment of beautifully designed templates, high quality product and 100% eco-friendliness appeals to me. They truly raise the bar for on-line stationery. Check them out! They plant a tree with every order, and if you enter the code ”CA10″ at check out 20% will go directly to the Somaly Mam Foundation to help end human trafficking and slavery worldwide..

THIS JUST IN Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary is giving away FIVE $25 dollar gift certificates to paperculture. Go over! Big money, no whammies!