Declaration of (MY) Independence

The Unanimous Declaration of the Umpteenth day of Winter Break

When, in the course of December, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the supervisory bands which have connected them with other smaller people, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal morning and lunch hours to which the laws of sanity and of sanity’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of parentkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness FREE OF STICKY FRUIT-SNACK-THIEVES CIRCLING MY KEYBOARD AND THREATENING MY ALLIMPORTANTWORK.

That to secure these rights, A PRESCHOOL AND A GRADESCHOOL EXIST, deriving their just powers from the consent of the desperate parents to TAKE MY CHILDREN BACK I BEG OF YOU, FOR THE DAY IS LONG AND THE RECOMMENDED SCREEN TIME BYGONE.

That whenever children become destructive to these ends, it is the right of the parents to alter them with SNOWPANTS and to abolish them OUTSIDE TO THE SANTA-BATMAN-WHATEVER-the-FORT, and to institute new SELF governance OUTSIDE DID YOU HEAR ME? GO OUTSIDE. I SAID NOW OUTSIDE, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN COME BACK IN. ITS TWENTY SEVEN DEGREES OUT. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I PLAYED WAIT FOR THE BUS FOR HALF-AN-HOUR UNZIPPED AND WEARING MY ROOS TO GET TO STATE STREET AND BUY A BRUCE WILLIS-AS-DAVID-ADDISON POSTER.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes such as WINTER BREAK; and accordingly all experience hath shown that parentkind are more disposed to suffer, while THE BICKERING OVER THAT “REMOKEN” WITH NO BATTERIES THAT CAN DO NOTHING YET AND YOU JUST BROKE IT are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the adorable children to which they are accustomed SOMEWHERE ANYWHERE ELSE PLEASE GOD PLEASE AND I’M SORRY ABOUT ALL THE DAMNING LATELY.

But when a long train of Yuletide sugar abuses and Hot Wheels usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object THEY ARE BOTH BLUE LIGHT SABERS. YOU EACH HAVE A BLUE LIGHT SABER. LET GO OF THE SABER OR YOU WILL KNOW THAT SABER BIBLICALLY.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these families; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government CALL A BABY SITTER. FIND A SITTER NOW HONEY. NO NORMALLY NINE IS TOO YOUNG BUT THIS IS ABSOLUTE DEPOTISM—CALL HER. The history of the present Kings of Great BAKUGAN is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these homes. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. NO I WONT GUESS WHERE YOUR FINGER WAS AND NO I DEFINITELY WONT SMELL IT. GO TO BED. OKAY GO WASH YOUR HANDS AND THEN GO TO BED. NO I WONT SMELL IT. HONEY DID YOU SMELL IT? HE SAYS DADDY SMELLED IT.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of Grandma and Grandpa, unless those people would relinquish the right of all healthy food and limits whatsoever, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT NANAS YOU WILL NEVER EAT SUGAR AGAIN. YES NEVER AGAIN MEANS FOREVER.

AND THAT’S A MIGHTY LONG TIME

BUT I’M HERE TO TELL YOU THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE. THE AFTERWORLD. A WORLD OF NEVER ENDING HAPPINESS, YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE THE SUN DAY OR NIGHT. SO WHEN YOU CALL UP THAT SHRINK IN BEVERLY HILLS…

SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO? YOU MADE MOMMY GO CRAZY PRINCE CUCKOO.

**ahem**

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual (RESTAURANT), uncomfortable (PUBLIC RESTROOM), and distant from the depository of their public records (IN THE CAR ON THE INTERSTATE), for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. FINE YES HAVE ANOTHER NUT ROLL IN FACT DICE IT UP AND SNORT IT OKAY? JUST DONT COME CRYING PECAN-NOSTRIL TO ME, NUTNOSE.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. NANA DONT TAKE NO SMACK. YOU MUST RESPECT NANA. SAY IT WITH ME “I WILL RESPECT NANA” AND YOU KNOW WHAT LITTLE NAPOLEON? EVEN TYRANTS HUG THEIR GRANDPARENTS.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. YES THE BABYSITTER IS SO COMING AND YES MOMMY IS GOING BYE BYE. NO NOT FOREVER. AND THAT’S A MIGHTY LONG TIME.

BUT I’M HERE TO TELL YOU, THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE.

PLEASE DO NOT CONVULSE WITHIN—OKAY NO MORE PRINCE. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; YES YOUR BROTHER CAN TOO COME IN YOUR ROOM for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither DO NOT SLAM THE DOOR ON YOUR BROTHER and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands NO YOU MAY NOT PUT YOUR BARE ASS ON THE DINNER TABLE.

He has erected a multitude of new offices GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM. GO TO BED. GET OUT OF MY BED AND GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance. IF YOU TELL YOUR BROTHER TO STEAL COOKIES YOU GET A TIME OUT TOO. IT’S CALLED AIDING AND ABETTING AND PEOPLE GO TO JAIL FOR THAT. I KNOW I SAID KIDS NEVER GO TO JAIL, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE WINTER BREAK.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature. He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power. LAY YOUR LEGO WEAPONS DOWN. NO YOU CANNOT EVEN POINT IMAGINARY GUNS AT ME. YES IT IS A GUN. IS TOO. IT SAID “PYOOM PYOOM”

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

YES YOU STILL HAVE TIME OUTS WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE. NO THEY WILL NOT HAVE TIME OUTS. BUT YOUNG FRIEND OF SIX, HAS ANYONE EVER TAUGHT YOU ABOUT AIDING AND ABETTING?

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive in the shower to bear cookies against their diet, to become the executioners of their anti-anxiety exercise and meditation routines, and to fall off the no-caffeine/daily meditation wagon.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our children brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here IN THIS HOUSE WE DO NOT HURT BODIES. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity I LOVE IT WHEN YOU USE YOUR WORDS and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations I SAID DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence DO YOU WANT ME TO GO CRAZY PRINCE CUCKOO AGAIN? They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends, AND CHILDREN BACK. TO. SCHOOL.

We, therefore, the representatives of the Parents of The Univese, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good children of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united parents are, and of right ought to be free and independent adults for at least 4 hours 3 times a week; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the WINTER BREAK, and that all connection between them and the state of HOLIDAY, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent parents, they have full power to levy groceries, conclude peaceful conversation, contract social alliances, establish e- commerce, and to do all other acts (SCHWING) and things which independent adults may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence and GODDESS SCHOOLTEACHERS, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

**Exhale**