I don’t want a bulky counter-top appliance that unwittingly uses $100 dollars of energy per month. I tried the revolutionary safe opener that removes the lid by breaking the glue seal from the can. I found it effective on approximately one can, amongst a pantry-full of canned goods. I’d rather not shell out the required ten dollars for the current garden-variety opener. You see, even with the cushioned handles, brushed silver, and optional seat-heaters, the damn things idle after a few uses–spinning gears and not cutting cans.
I want an old school can opener. I need the complimentary bottle opener, and triangle juice-can puncture feature. I yearn for a metal devouring, 1970s punk-ass, jagged-lids-could-sever-your-hand-up-to-the-wrist, avocado green opener. My mom had this opener for my entire childhood. I recently bought one at a dollar store, and it worked better than any of the more expensive department store brands, until the twister twisted right off yesterday. Mid-coffee can job. At dawn. Can I express the rage of having a half-open coffee can at 5:30 am? No, I believe I cannot, dear I-people. Me thinks that even the most savagely primitive opener proves safer and more effective than DRIVING A BUTCHER KNIFE THROUGH TIN WHILST YOUR CHILDREN INNOCENTLY WATCH YO GABBA FREAKING GABBA.
I thank you in advance for bestowing your I-wizardry upon a mere plebe in need of her non-perishables.
Warmly,
Ann
Do you think it’ll play music too? And different music depending on the time of day and what you’re opening. Soothing mellow music for the morning. Lively dance tunes for the afternoon and sultry jazz numbers for the evening. They could probably make a fortune. You should get royalties!
I got a maid and she opens all my cans. Trust me it’s the only solution.
Jagged edged lesson learned first hand.
But, man, after the jagged lid was off, they made great frisbees.
Buy the pop top cans.
all that other shit has tons of salt in it anyway.
better yet, eat out.
LOL!!!!
I haven’t used an electric in forever. I have a trusty hand-held that has been successfully cutting cans, although now that I think about it, I do have to occasionally reapply it when the can falls out from underneath it. I have a picture of it from a blog post I did about it here. Or is that the kind you said you don’t like?
I have the electric one that removes the lid at the glue but I find myself using the old hasioned one more and more.
I never got the hang of the electric ones either, I also have trouble with the remote-so I’m probably not a good person to ask. But, I do fondly remember opening cas of tuna with the primitive one in my youth-do you know tuna comes in foil pouches?! I gave up and went vegetarian, good luck! 🙂
Ann, I hate the jagged edge ones – I never manage to recycle those cans (other than the lids), as I am far too scared of cutting my wrists to ribbons – Perhaps you need to invent a new, safer kind of opener?!
I never got the hang of the electric ones either – I could never get the hang of the magnets – Too much inner magnetism, methinks!
I like Braja’s idea of a maid!
I’m with Braja, too. But since we can’t ALL have maids… and don’t I rue THAT fact every day of my life: Wal-Mart has the old-school kind, last I saw, and I have one of those “fancier” ones that take the lid off with no sharp edge from The Pampered Chef and it has been going strong for about 6 years.
If that doesn’t work you could always practice setting your laser-beam sights on canned goods and seeing if you could open them that way. ;^)
Bought a lovely hand-held, metal-chewing can opener at a garage sale. It pops the lids off home-canned jars, opens cans, lifts the caps from delicious bottles of ice-cold beer and comforts me when I feel sad.
Well, it doesn’t really do the last one, but I sincerely do not believe I will ever need to buy another can opener — unless, of course, they decide to go digital with cans now too and I need a box or something to convert if I don’t have cable…
Pearl
The angst! The injustice! I wonder if the canned goods people are in cahoots with the can opener people for some kick backs on selling more and more can openers. You may have opened our eyes to the newest conspiracy theory.
Hi Mo, maybe YOU should become an I-person!
Braja, Okay! Done. A staff of maids, better yet.
Lisa, oooouch. Sorry about that.
Janie, LOL. First get staff of maids, then eat out every meal.
Panty Goats, coming over shortly.
Julia, you and I are creatures of habit it seems.
T. Allen Mercado, I know, pouches! Crazy.
All-important Woman, way too tired to invent. Just want my coffee.
Amy, I snagged a new one. Seems sturdy, but I’m a can-opener-cynic now.
Pearl. You SCORED. Still haven’t done a thing about the box, better hurry up or I will be PBSKids-less. What could be more frightening than that???
Beth, HOLY CRAP! You’re on to something.
Isn’t that what husbands are for? De-lidding cans, taking out garbage and walking dogs?
Can openers suck. That’s all I have to say. I curse mine every time I try to use it. When you get your I-Opener wish, please post it here so that I know it’s available.
Dear Plebe…
I hate Pampered Chef parties…I’ve been guilty of hosting them. (But don’t worry, I’m not doing that anymore…so your mailbox is safe!) Back to the topic…the best purchase I ever made with my accumulated pampered points, was the can opener they peddle. I love that thing! Works great everytime, and I’ve had it for a good 6 years now.
I still use a manual can opener. Yes, I’m THAT much of a Luddite. But? A Luddite with an iPhone.
Somehow I didn’t think that your husband would have a beard. It looks good on him. Thanks for your review! Elise
Hi Ann,
I love your new header!!! Lovely!!
Here is my idea, an iphone/can opener!! Who needs the camera anyway? Instead the iphone should have an application that turns itself into a can opener!!! Then you open the can while listening to your iphone ipod on shuffle so as not to have to listen to the same song over and over again!!!
I am contacting Apple as i type this. Not to worry Ann i am on it!!!
Happy Monday!!!!
Firt: I love Yo Gabba Gabba
Second: Remember when you referred me to HumorBlogs.com? Well I just got my rejection notice. Apparently I am not nearly funny enough for that website. So now I’m going to go shoot myself in the leg (don’t want to kill myself only hurt myself…is there a word for that owicide?).
They have electric can openers?
Dearest Ann, I am sorry to hear you are tired – I hope I do not intrude but I was tagged by La Belette Rouge today for a 6 Random Things About You Meme, so I tagged l’il ol’ you in my blog today by return. Rules are all there, hope you can play!
Hope that’s okay – Hugs! x
OMG, I make fun of my husband every time he gets his ass kicked by my electric can opener. I could not figure out why he couldn’t get the hang of it. Now all of you have proved that I’M the freak since I don’t have problems with it. Not that I’ll ever admit that to him.
Oh, and please make it vibrate.
(What’s the harm in asking? Doesn’t everyone want homemakers to be happy and relaxed? I’m just sayin’.)
XO
A.
Alas, Elise. (hee hee) He’s a travelin’ man this week.
Tooj, why why must our lives be so difficult?
Melissa, between you and Amy I’m sold on the pamper-chef (I know I know, but that’s what it sounds like)
KMc, I already commented back on your Rizzo post, but forgot to say I HEART GABBA GABBA MUCHO MUCHO!!
Tony, I know!
Most Importantest Woman, oh whoa is me, I will survive. Thanks a million for the tag!
HoodChick, nope. We’re the freaks. Who rants about a can opener for heavens sakes!
Anna, purrrr YIKES!!!
Go to Walmart. You’ll find the old-fashioned can opener there. I have one. I tossed my electric can opener. Complete waste of space.
Joanie, so I hear. Walmart. got it.
Apathy, LUDDITE is an AWESOME word. You totally rock.
Are you living in my head? My husband keeps buying me new can openers from electric to battery operated to whatever damnfangled thing he can find and all I want is a good hand-crank powered opener that works! I keep buying them and they keep failing. Oh why or why didn’t mom save hers?!!! And why is it always at dawn during coffee can opening patrol that the freaking things fail!
I need diaper wipes that come out of their rectangular container ONE AT A TIME! Those puppies are expensive – I only need one and I get 10! And you can’t shove them back in effectively.
Come on people! We’ve walked on the moon and managed to elect a black president. Just this one more thing and I’ll be happy, well, that’ not really true…
ps. I have a nice manual “good grips” can opener.
They are making all the cans into pull tops anyway so they’ll be obsolete soon.
Could our country get any lazier?
xxoo