Three weeks ago I heard the name “Brene Brown” for the first time.
As I sat over my mayo salad sandwich, I doubted my work-life balance, beat myself up as a mother, and followed it up with “privileged problems” self-criticism. My lunch mate Beth recommend a book called The Gifts of Imperfection. She bought the book after seeing the author, Brene Brown, speak at a conference. I smiled, thinking “but I’ve tackled my perfectionism” and the next moment chided myself for the failure to attend such conferences in order to maintain my social work license and one day get a “real job,” then for my audacity in ordering tuna with no breath-mint preparedness. Perfectionsim tackled. And run-on sentences.
The following week my Mom happened to email me Brene Brown’s TED talk The Power of Vulnerability. I sat rapt throughout the 20-minute talk as Brene explained how embracing your vulnerability allows for what she calls “wholehearted living.”
Last week Brene Brown suddenly appeared on The Blissdom Conference agenda as the opening keynote speaker.
If you believe in messages from the universe, this one came at me like Fran Drescher–LOUD and FABULOUS.
I wrote “Little Miss Perfect” (below) in March 2009. Two years, a brutal steroid shot, and hours of meditation and yoga later—I now spend more time creating than I do self-loathing. I less often punish my sweet and convenient husband for everything out of my control. In fact, I’m giving up trying to control everything along with tantruming at the pee-splattered potty. I will need to work on this every day of my life, but pulling this old post out made me so grateful for the journey.
***
Little Miss Perfect
Had a visit with my therapist yesterday. That statement needs clarification. I’m referring to the human I pay to listen and reflect back to me empathically and objectively. My other therapist—the one in my head—well, frankly, she’s part of the problem.
As I replay the events in my mind, my therapy sessions remind me a bit of my bloggy-standup. I talk about Me. I consider different angles of the conversation and change my mind multiple times–all in the same exact verbal moment. But it tastes great AND It’s less filling! I make myself laugh really hard. I make my therapist laugh, and then silently chide myself for entertaining, rather than focusing on my issssyoooze.
I really need to work on the “behavior” part of Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, as I’m way way WAY too talented in the cognition department. “Keep jogging,” she suggested “You live in your head a lot”
I actually prefer grocery shopping with my kids. Left alone, I stand in the aisle listening to each honey bear give his spiel. Hours pass, and then I’m off to judge the ketchup’s closing arguments. Everyone is so convincing and I want to make the right choice.
The root of my struggles? Perfectionism. Merriam-Webster on-line defines perfectionism as “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable”
If only my flavor of perfection included tidy cabinets, organized and labeled–REAL SIMPLE solutions. If only my strain of perfection left me sufficiently tweezed on a sunny day in my all-too-illuminating rearview mirror. If only my strain of perfectionism eliminated typos and word misusage and grammatical errors.
Instead, I struggle to please. In dark moments I grow competitive and fester in self-doubt. I get angry. I try not to take my anger out on the kids or Husband. I take my anger out on Husband.
Now I’m on a mission to take Miss Perfect and shake her up. I need to throw some red lipstick on her and teach her to Samba. Sometimes she gets so uptight that she ruins all the fun. I need to spin her wildly back into the moment, and make her pause in a sweeping-dip of gratitude. Miss Perfect reigned in her twenties. She’s slowly learning in her thirties, but her damned earnestness—let’s just say she needs the next five years to embrace humility, rather than keep leading him on and then pushing him away. It’s a process. We’re working on it.
In the meantime, I’ll keep jogging.
***
Tuesday I fly to Nashville for Blissdom. Please come to the Editing Salon I’m co-leading with Megan Jordan and Rita Arens. This workshop does not involve grammar lessons or parts-of-speech pedicures, but rather how to make your writing sing by letting go of some of your words, and by letting other people in—or as Brene Brown might say—by embracing vulnerability.
Another well-written piece, Ann.
Have fun in Nashville!
Pearl
Ann, very simply, I love you. You know what this post means to me. *Thank you.*
Very nicely said. I love reading you–another social worker who (apparently) is behind on her CEUs (I have never taken a single one) and who listens to the honey bears. I won’t go all CBT on you, but you’ve given me food for thought, er, action.
Oh I so wish I could go – for any number of reasons, but especially to see your panel. I have struggled with perfectionism a lot. It tends to make me do nothing, because if I start to do something, I’ll try to everything. At least this is what I tell people when they see how dusty my house is.
Love this! Much to think about (but not stew over!). Have a great time at Blissdom. Wish I could be there!
Have fun at Blissdom, Ann–knock ’em dead and edit out one or two extraneous words for your pal, Dusty.
I could cry, I’m going to miss you, and I love Rita, too. Please say hello to her for me.
I am so bummed out.
But I can’t do Blissdom, and try for BlogHer in California. I just can’t.
So, I’m just going to cry instead.
I wish I were going to be there.
Have a wonderful time.
sob, sniff, snort, waaaaaaaaaaaaah
WAIT! You mean there are no awards for being perfect anymore?
Geez, I’ve been on that hamster wheel for a very long time! Guess I’ll stop and put it in a garage sale right next to the treadmill. I mean really? Since jogging on the treadmill isn’t doing the trick, I’ll get rid of it as well.
In the meantime, you have written a great piece here! I wish I could be there.
Go rock that place!
Very insightful post Ann. My first time stopping by, grabbed your link from Pearl. I’ll be back again, you have a great style!
Love this post. Can’t wait to see you this week!
Oh I wish I could go – there are so many great people I’d love to hear speak – you included. I, too, struggle with my inner perfectionist and my own judgements can be pretty harsh – working on that 🙂 I hope you have a great trip.
I think that people who are not concerned with perfection don’t blog. They’re too busy living their lives in a carefree exuberant manner, not bogged down by the deeper darker thoughts of life that need expression in instantaneous gratification through feedback.
I’m trying to get rid of the perfectionist issues, but I just can’t find the right therapist. Should I take the one who is affordable? or the one who is a good listener? the one who is right nearby? ………………………
You know I hear ya, sister.
And I can’t wait to hug you and then sleep with you.
heh.
xoxo
P.S. I’m getting the Brene Brown message too–all of the sudden, she’s just talking to me all.the.time. She sure is pushy. It started with an email from you and it just keeps growing. And it’s so good. 🙂
Ann, so crazy that last week a friend sent me that same TED talk and I’ve had it sitting there waiting to be watched.
Steph
That post was, well…PERFECT. No, really, I loved it.
And thanks for the intro to Brene Brown – I’ll check out the TED talk!
Have a blast at Blossdom – you rock!
~ A.
Have fun in Nashville my friend!
p.s. you are totally perfect to me. xoxo
I LOVE your writing. I just just five minutes ago finished watching Brene Brown’s TED talk – the one Lea has been pestering me to watch for weeks. Then I was catching up with FB and found this link to your blog…ah, synchronicity – or maybe just a message from the Universe. Enjoy Nashville! xo
I keep rereading and absorbing The Spirituality of Imperfection. It’s a journey leading back to spirit and humanness. I was so off-track, I was wrecking everything around me.
I need a booster. Thanks for the links, Ann.
Have a grand time in N’ville. So many awesome folks heading there, the sphere is gonna feel a little empty.
I saw that video and cried my eyes out. I too suffer from that same “affliction” and it drives me crazy.
you have accomplished so much in the last year and I’m so proud of you. I hope you are as proud of yourself.
Have a great time and let all the love you will see from others around you, show you how gerat it is to be imperfect.
You’re not alone, Ann. Perfection is a killer. I love seeing this vulnerable side to you. Wish I were going to Blissdom – you’ll have so much fun.
Hi Ann, Have a great time at the conference and safe travels.
I’m off to view the TED session. Thanks for the tip.
jj
YOU are one reason I wish I were going to be at BlissDom. Couldn’t manage it, but oh, I’d love to meet you in person, bend your ear, and laugh a while. Have a wonderful time.
And thanks for the reminder about vulnerability. I need to work on that too.
Just stumbled across your blog and empathized with this post…plus, enjoyed some of your previous posts.
I invite you to visit my blog, aptly named France Rants. It might make you smile too!
Excellent post. I recently learned of Brene Brown and found her to be one of those people who can cut to the heart of the matter, inspect it, turn it over, and present it in such a way that you don’t even realize that she’s turned your world upside down until she’s done.
Whatever happened to Fran Drescher? You don’t hear too much about her these days.
Great post. you are amazing and an inspiration to me.
*sigh* I love Fran Drescher…..
I remember our days as Twin Perfectionists in college, rehearsing incessantly for every audition, sacrificing parties for late night studying, feeling like failures if an A had a minus symbol after it. Like you, I’ve had to teach myself how to let go of the control and trust in the universe. That’s not an easy task for a perfectionist, but it certainly makes life more enjoyable. I’m proud of you Ann. You’ve always been a amazing person.
xo,
melissa
She does seem to be popping up everywhere. Now I’m going to watch that video because you told me to. Love you and this post.
I bought her book at Blissdom & am about to dive into it. I really enjoyed your Wisdom Workshop on Wednesday, and hope you didn’t mind that I threw myself at you with an introduction at the party that night. At any rate, I struggle with the Perfection Beast and am working on it daily. Obviously I was grateful to read this and hope that Brene’s book will help, too.
Thanks for being such a wonderful part of my Blissdom experience!
Erin
@ErinMargolin
Embracing imperfection is a goal of mine as well. Beautifully written.
This is beautiful, Ann. It was so wonderful to meet you and get to know you at Blissdom, and I can’t wait to read more of your writing.
I never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, until I saw the definition of “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.”
And then I kinda saw myself in this post.
Oh boy. Me me me me me. And this was about YOU.
On that note, can I tell you how much I loved the line: “I now spend more time creating than I do self-loathing.” Because I do.
And your writing.
XO!
You’ve inspired me, finally, to watch that TED talk that has been circulating in my inbox. I find it interesting (in a navel-gazing, talk to my shrinky dink, probably-not-interesting-to- others-but-I’m-going-to-tell-you-anyway kind of way) that I’ve avoided this talk on VULNERABILITY for so long. Staying at home with 2 kids tends to sap it out of you. Or at least me. Having to be “in charge” all the time fosters an unattainable sense of OCD perfectionism. Thank you for reminding me to breathe, enjoy the moment and chill!
PS My name is Melissa and I do have a URL but the software here is not allowing me to list as it contains the word “poop.” Eek! It’s innocent, I swear! I blog about poop and motherhood! Oh well 🙂
Well, as Marilyn Monroe once said, “Beauty is in Perfection.” No one likes a robot, who can’t make a facial expression or a sentence of her own judgment. I’ve recently struggled with the same issue- and it’s just time to put on the big boy pants and face who I really am. As it may not be evident, we’re all perfect in some way. Though I should probably hop on that running train..
I loved this. Really, really loved it.
I’m reading this a bit late…I hope the conference went well!
Sorry I missed u at Blissdom. I’m getting so many hits from my Brene Brown coverage that I decided to see my Google ranking. (You outranked me. I think.) And then that’s where I found you. I “like” this. I’ll be back. Cheers!