BREAKING NEWS: NEW REALITY SHOW “BATZILLA”

You know that reality show, Bridezilla that showcased brides-to-be blindly stumbling towards becoming divorcees? Or perhaps you preferred the show featuring desperately wealthy parents failing to impress their children, after surprising them with a sweet sixteen gala, hosted by Hef at The Playboy Mansion Grotto? Well a new reality show just launched in my mind featuring…young tweens becoming…MEMBERS OF THEIR CONGREGATION!! (cue gong)

Meet, 12-year-old Ann [cue Price Is Right theme] Wearing a skirt two sizes too big, and sporting a partial-perm in her quasi a-symmetrical hairdo (on the long side covering her eye) just for her big day. She hasn’t quite grown-in to her nose yet, but she will win your hearts with her beautiful chanting and uniquely clever thank-you speech, in which she thanks her big brother for “bugging her constantly while she tried to learn her torah portion” [canned laugher]. She might look like a Fraggle, but you’ll be amazed by her graceful perseverance. Nothing distracts her concentration, not her ruthless Hebrew school competitor, Sam, sitting in the front row just waiting for her to screw-up, nor her gentile friends laughing hysterically throughout the ceremony.

You’ll trial with Ann through her Mom’s mall-aversion on dress-shopping day. How she silently pines for a Gunne Sac dress, but methodically selects the 2-piece cotton separates from Oriental Specialites when her mom sends the “we’ll just come another day” distress signal. You’ll celebrate with Ann upon receipt of her Star-of-David brass bookends from the Temple Sisterhood. You’ll sympathize with her disappointment when rumors of multiple Swatch watch gifts don’t materialize.

Sojourn with Ann on this journey toward Jewish quasi-adulthishness. You’ll toe-tap to those torah-chanting tapes her Aunt/Rabbi made for her, and you’ll struggle with Ann during her moral dilemma over wearing a prayer shawl that made her feel “too nerdy.” Best of all you’ll be able to recite the first lines of Ann’s torah portion ad nauseum. You may even find yourself chuckling out loud.

Cousin John laughed hysterically after the ceremony recalling, “I loved that Joke Ann made about Pizza probably tasting a lot better than Manna! It was so neat the way she juxtaposed biblical and modern snacks…”

Chicago Camp friend Alana noted “It was okay considering she had no theme, no party unless you count balloons and pizza in the social hall, and no goody bags.”

School friends shared (still laughing too hard to comment)