Bomb Pops, Bullets, and The Neighborhood LISTSERV

Zip up your flak jacket and dig underneath the car seat for ice cream truck change, kids, summer is here! Yes, after a long winter and crap-ass spring, we can finally bust out the bomb pops, swimming trunks, lemonade stands, girl gang fights, robberies and drive-bys! School’s almost out, nectarines are almost in season, and the neighborhood listserv is whack-jobbier than ever.

Ah, the neighborhood e-grapevine, epicenter for terrifying crime updates, unsanctioned political discussion, and/or completely unfounded hyper-vigilant hysteria. Make sure to check your preferences—are you sure just one daily digest of seventeen rounds of “this is or is not proper use of the e-grapevine” and “I checked it out on scopes and IT’S REAL” is enough? Maybe you want an email every single time someone sees something suspicious involving a car. driving. slowly. Here’s a quick litmus test: How do you feel after watching an hour of Dateline Investigates: VICTIMS EXACTLY LIKE YOU/CRIMINALS WHO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE? Set your preferences accordingly.

After weeks of long neighborhood listserv debates over whether or not finding God is “one of many proactive solutions” to fighting crime  or “YET ANOTHER totally inappropriate use of this listserv, and let me remind you ONCE AGAIN of the proper grapevine rules,” we have some serious crime to fight. I don’t live in East L.A. I live in a great neighborhood in one of the best cities voted best city by Money Magazine’s bestest American city poll in the best year they’ve done the poll. Unfortunately crime happens in my neck of this best city, even though we live in the best chin roll in the neck of this best city.

Nothing about this is funny. Okay, the listserv is often funny but the crime, not so much. Did I mention I was the only customer privy to a bank hold-up last year? And that I once retrieved Seven’s (then-Four) stolen bike with the help of some super sleuth kid-loiterers behind this very same bank two years before that? But this is the thing: HORROR HAPPENS EVERYWHERE; among the haves, the have-nots, and where both live together—like in my ‘hood.

Before living in the best city, we lived on Chicago’s north side for a decade. We spent the majority of those years in Edgewater–which is essentially Roger’s Park–one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the world in terms of class, ethnicity, race and overpriced crappy condo conversions. I consider Edgewater a sort of Norman Rockwell utopia, if Norman Rockwell painted people of all colors and added in a toothless drunk and a hooker or two. Tree-lined streets provided a green canopy all summer long. Scheduled playdates were unnecessary—as you could stroll over to one of the playlots dotting every other block and find playmates for your kids at any hour (and a dude peddling his ice-cream bike with a bell that cues instantaneous child whining). You could walk to everything, and observe your favorite neighborhood God of choice in a Catholic church, reform synagogue, Mosque, Baptist church, or beery dive selling turtle-neck sized onion rings.

Every time summer approached, crime spiked. Not just theft—but scary stuff: armed robberies, even homicides. Some of it was random, most was not. When crime rose, the neighborhood pulled together—yes, through a listserv—but also in person. Neighbors took nightly walks, checked on each other, attended community police meetings, and made sure to light their property sufficiently. We reported suspicious behavior when necessary. It worked. People looking for trouble really don’t want to deal with a bunch of cheerful dog-walking peony-sniffing neighbors. They’d rather go where they can do their surly business on an unkempt block with a nice thick urine stench. Really!

I love living back in my hometown now, even with its more suburban feel and lawn- mower sound. The crime reports scare me as much as the next neighbor, but I refuse to stay in that fear place. Thanks to my years in Chicago, and those neighbors who stayed active and positive, I won’t. I’ll keep my house well-lit, I’ll go on the neighborhood crime walk and attend meetings, and I’ll sing the praises of our neighborhood school and its diversity to anyone who listens. I’ll even read the listserv…DIGEST VERSION.

One request: If you live in my same chin roll in this same neck of this bestest city, and God forbid you are reading this blog post, DO NOT LINK IT IN THE LISTSERV. Because a) totally improper use of the listserv and b) I’m more terrified of some of the list-servians than I am of the actual criminals in this neighborhood.

Happy Bomb Pops!