Five: Mom, your overdue.
Me: (submerged in second bowl of Trader Joe’s Oat Flakes) Wha-huh?
Five: Its time for your annual review.
Me: That’s private. But thanks for the reminder (dialing OBGYN)
Five & Two: (…waiting expectantly)
Me: (on hold with OBGYN…crunch, crunch, slurp) What?
Five: We’ve created a few benchmarks to assess your job performance. It’s time for your review.
Me: Hi, I need to make and appointment for my annual. SLURP.Yes I’ll hold…Two, don’t let your brother do all the talking.
Two: View. Now. Phone. Food. Rude.
Me: Not interested, boys. Thankyou. GULP, Ahhhh. Yes, I can wait one more minute…
Five: Are you sure? You have a very limited benefits enrollment period—limited to Now.
Me: (Hanging Up) I want more time off.
Five. Day Camp five weekdays this summer, Kindergarten in the fall. Deal?
Me: My my, you’ve come prepared. What about Mr. Two?
Two: P-Skoo. Fwee mornings.
Me: I want lunch.
Two: Yunch. Kay.
Me: Great. Now I don’t need to unionize.
Five: Now our demands.
Me: Try that again.
Five: Our demands, please.
Me: Shoot.
Five: Real fruit roll ups, real Popsicles. No more all-natural faux-treats. Oh, same goes for sweet potatoes fries. Unacceptable.
Me: Neon diapers don’t lie.
Five: Looks like we might need representation after all. Two?
Two: Whoa-ups. Fwies.
Me: Under consideration. What else?
Five: Get the box for the TV. First no cable, then no high definition…and now? Not even analog. Get the box.
Me: You’re right, you’re right. I know you’re right.
Five: Carrie Fischer, When Harry Met Sally. Mom? Really? Tired cliché. (elbows Two)
Two: PBS-kids-dot-ehrg!
Five: Word is the government is giving out more vouchers for digital converters. Don’t miss it a second time.
Me: (harmonizing ideal flake-to-milk ratio) How do you know this information?
Two: PBS-kids-dot-ehrg!
Me: Fine. Okay.
Five and Two: Really? (whispering amongst themselves…MOONSAND…Wii..CHUCK-E-CHEESUS!..)
Me: NUH-uh. NO. (bowl slam, milk spray) Scatter before I resort to Kale-Ups and Fennel Fries. Meeting Adjourned.
frankly, I would have refused to talk without my own atty present.
LOL! Doesn’t sound so much like your annual review as theirs!
You were outnumbered. No fair!
You have some tough taskmasters there, Ann!
It sounds like you got the short end of the deal. I’m all about tv. camp and full-day preschool because keeping up with this blog is a full-time job.
They will be great Congress one day!
ps.. thank you for your vote! you rock!
Sounds like Lord of the Flies, kinda.
You were out-numbered and out-cuted. You need to get some coaching before the next round of talks!
Uh yeah . . . my kids are the product of two attorneys and are way more skilled at negotiating than either of us . . . this forum just does not happen in our house!
you were actually starting to grovel… they really hit you below the belt, didn’t they! Smart-ass kids. I gotta stop letting mine watch that channel!!
and now for your raise!!!
Lucky you:) Two very eloquent boys there, really! Touchwood, have fun:)
Really makes me wonder what my son would want.
If there is a union for moms, I’m totally in.
Toughen up girl!!!! Before you know it, you’ll be approving extensions in curfews and doling out fifties for evenings out on the town! Take control now while you still have a chance!!!!
Well, that’s my advice, anyway. . .
They are the union!!! They stand up for their rights!!! They are today’s kids!!! Soon they will want a portuguese water dog named Bo 6 months old. All the cool kids want one!!! :O)
i do believe there’s a conspiracy afoot….
unbelievably hilarious. I remember making the bargin for my brother for a 1am curfew when he hit his junior year. Then when I hit my jr year and was heading out the door, I said “I’ll be home by 1am” and my daddy looked and me and said … “Whoa young lady … your curfew is midnight!” to which I replied, “No, our JR year curfew is 1am … remember?” … he looked at me dumbfounded and said “That’s why you were on your brother’s side?” I said … yuppers … see you at 1am!
The no sweet potato fries demand is outrageous. Those things are damn delicious.
*snicker* *giggle* *cackle* @ PBS-kids-dot-ehrg!
I may not be here long. My computer is working, but who knows for how long! I miss you!!
Nice. Though, I think you could have outsmarted them and gotten more sick/vacation days. These SAHM benefits plans are always negotiable (sarcasm). Camp schmamp. How ’bout going to Grandma’s for two weeks?
I’m still stuck on the annual exam involvement.
This? Is why I have only one – he can’t gang up on me!
I blog-hopped here from Vodka Mom because you crack her up…and now, me too. Cheers!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
All that child speak is hurting my head…
IS there a bar here?
I want in on the union thing. can i get a raise?
So excellent! I would say it sounds like our house (my boys are 6 and 3), but we’re no where near as funny.
And Moonsand? I don’t care what they threaten, don’t cave!!
(Sent via Vodka Mom – so glad – I’ll be back!)
You are hilarious. You also need a really good lawyer.
(Thank you for the nomination. I’d email you, but I’m being obtuse and can’t find the address right now. I was shocked and beyond flattered.)
Darn it woman … don’t you ever listen to my HR advice? Don’t negotiate without representation present. You are screwed. Next up they will be getting Sponge Bob and Cheetos.
I wanna know how Vodka Mom has such cool pics of you on her blog…
Hey, if negotiations are still on-going, I’ll trade you one nearly-house-trained poopy – I mean puppy – for your nearly-house-trained Two. Sprinkles isn’t picky about her popsicles and you can send her away to P-skoo and tell the teacher she’s a guinea pig.
(Monsoon uses Y for L, too. I love getting him to tell me he’s a lucky boy. Ahhh, the simple things…)
Oh my goodness! I blog-hopped here from …. I have no, wait, it’s coming back to me …. Is Any Mommy Out There, I think. Maybe. Wait. Who knows, all I know is I am so glad! You are a riot.
However, without a doubt we are going to stop at our one. Gosh, I had no idea this was a possibility! Good luck. Sounds like you need it. 🙂
Cheers, Kiy