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Almost-Five’s Almost Soccer

    Allison introduces herself in full stage-voice and mentions that she likes rainbows. All the other children hide behind their parents. Except Nigumi. When prompted by her father “What’s your name?!” she slaps him across the face. Hard. He laughs nervously, smiling. She does not return his smile.

    During drills, Allison announces apropos of nothing “sometimes I get itchy”

    During stretches the instructor tries to get A5 to straighten his knees. He can’t. His posture looks like mine. Welcome to the family of tin-men, my first-born son. The instructor tries to “help” and A5 yelps “OW!” I thought he might cry.

    The instructor asks the children to line up and then jog. Not possible. Line up, perhaps. Jog, certainly. Simultaneously? Nyuh-uh.

    When jogging fails, instructor asks children to jump. “Just like Plies!” exclaims Allison. I’m thinking Allison should proceed directly to child stardom, when I note her Mom’s pink t-shirt emblazoned with The World Needs Drama Queens.

    The instructor tells the children “pay attention” many times. His command of their attention immobilizes them. Perhaps he should try a different approach.

    After 40 excruciating minutes, they play a game. A5 kicks the ball straight to the goal several times. Seeing that he stands at least a foot taller and probably close to two years older (class is for 3 and 4-year-olds) than most of his teammates and competitors, it’s a one-man show. Eventually, Nigumi gets in the game. She holds her own against A5. She smiles.

    0 thoughts on “Almost-Five’s Almost Soccer”

    2. Melissa

      We tried this…Z was just like me…stood in one spot, and watched as the ball and rest of the kids ran past…and then back….and then back again. “Z…run with the kids!”

      Yeah, we made it a whole 3 times. Not her thing. Just like Mommy! (Only, we played outdoors, and I was sitting in the grass making clover chains!)

    4. Joanie

      Apparently I raised actors, not athletes. Even my son did some acting in grade school. He did try baseball and basketball, but he jsut didn’t get it. Although my 2 girls were cheerleaders for a while.

    5. Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub

      I have been to enough of these practices and soccer games to actually now be suspicious of those young kids who “get it.” Or maybe it’s just that I hate them because my kids don’t…. hmmm. I’ll have to think about that one for awhile.

    7. lisa

      The kids are easy and just want the snacks at the end. It’s the demon parents you need to watch out for – Bitches all of them.

    9. Anna Lefler

      Oh, Lord. Juvenile sports are my idea of hell. I’m sorry…they just are. If it’s not the kids, it’s the parents. I’m okay with the actual equipment, but the rest of the scene has got to go.

      Awesome post.

      :^) Anna

    10. Ann's Rants

      Marinka, I was guffawing which was hilarious in and of itself because no one else saw the humor.

      Melissa, We’ll see if A5 wants to return next Saturday.

      PHST, I love that. She and Allison.

      Joanie, my family is full of actors/artists as well. It will surprise me if I raise any jocks.

      Amy, that is the beauty of 3 and 4 year olds. NONE of them got it.

      Goddess, if Nigumi was mine she would’ve missed the rest of the hour after I slapped her back and threw her over my shoulders. OK, I wouldn’t have slapped her, I would’ve taken her ass out of there and read her the riot act though.

      Lisa, I’m shaking in my cool new suede boots. Sincerely.

      Seat Pea, yup. The instructors knew they were in over their heads. Who wouldn’t be?

      Anna, yeah. We’ll see how long either of us last.

    11. Michelle

      Hi Ann!
      Funny stuff here!!! Kids can be so daunting yet hysterical to watch. I love them so much, then of course i send them home!!!

      Are you a soccer mom??? Hope not!!!

      M