A Rant From Idiot Boy

and no, “Idiot Boy” is not a new cruel blog pseudonym for one of my children…

I started following IB after reading his hilarious post about his testosterone-fueled journey driving to work through a rare Seattle “snow storm” (an actual snow storm as experienced in Wisconsin, needs no quotes ;). A wonderfully descriptive writer, IB mixes humor and thought-provoking grit. He embraces his dark side. He makes you think. Read his post below, and then go over to his place and read my “Little Miss Perfect” Hope you enjoy our blog swap.

Perfect is as Perfect Does
By IB from Idiot’s Stew

Imagine living in a world of hard, sterile surfaces, razor-sharp creases and bright blinding sunlight reflecting off hospital-white walls. In the great ledger, your numbers have to tally exactly. There can be no rounding up or down. Estimates, approximates and near-misses are unacceptable. In this life it is your job, your responsibility, your curse, to maintain this exquisite pristine state by defending it against all vermin, miscalculations and infections. You know these threats exist, as does this place, only in your slightly warped mind. Still, you wear the mantle gladly, for to deny it, would be to take another step toward insanity. It’s a full-time job maintaining this nirvana given the flawed and broken materials with which you have to work; the barely useful dreck, the plentiful morons and twisted junk of the imperfect world.

According to Wikipedia, a neurosis is: “any mental imbalance that causes stress”. Some of the neuroses listed as examples are:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Anxiety
Hysteria
Pyromania
Low self-esteem
Phobias (claustrophobia, agoraphobia, etc)
and…

Perfectionism

And yet, somehow, we as a society have come to value the traits that define perfectionism. We admire the industriousness of the workaholic executive. We value children based on their collection of achievements. Wanting to live up to the example set by high-achievers (fueled by perfectionism), we purchase AKC approved pets and strive for homes that look like they belong in magazines. Our cars are sparkling, our lawns are thatched and fertilized and our personal goals set and pursued with zeal.

I ask this:

How is it, the neurotic qualities of perfectionists are respected and admired, while hysterics, obsessive-compulsives, and shut-ins are shunned, humiliated, beaten and feared?

The answer?

MARKETING

Our country is led by a legion of perfectionists/over-achievers who hired the best Madison Avenue marketeers to spin this once closeted personal embarrassment into a series of “life-style choices”. This promotion has been so successful the nuttiness known as “perfectionism” is embraced by politicians, movie-stars, corporate CEOs, Olympic athletes and the super-rich.

The insidious marketing goes even deeper as we are subliminally told, we had all better live up to the example set by these kooks or be cast aside as losers and slackers.

When I get to work on Monday mornings my boss invariably asks, ”What did you do this weekend, IB?”

“Nothing”, I say sheepishly knowing he won’t be impressed with the fact I drank a 12 pack of Bud-light and watched a tape of Animal House while doing a jigsaw puzzle.

“I got some stuff done,” he says, without me asking. “I started by putting in 2000 hours here at the office; I’ve got the Peterson campaign pretty-well locked down. I completely changed the direction we were headed. Of course, in order to do so, I had to re-invent the wheel and design a better mousetrap. Then, after work, I took my three kids out for a day at the amusement park. Did I mention Susie recently got accepted into a class reserved for the smartest people in the universe? No? Well she did. Meanwhile Jimmy is about to set a record for jumping a skateboard over Hell’s Canyon while reciting the Gettysburg Address and little Tiffany, I can hardly believe it she’s 3 years old already, has just signed on with a modeling agency. She’s headed to Fiji next week for her first real photo-shoot. I’ll be heading over there to support her right after I get done overseeing the complete remodel of my house. I also need to reorganize my books into alphabetical order…”

I turn and walk to my desk wishing I had the balls to say to him, and to all the others who try to qualify their existence with the perfectly planned and flawlessly executed details of a life lived with no mistakes:

HEY PERFECTIONISTS!

Yes you, with your button down collars, 0 calorie drinks and need to control everything…

You are SICK!

Do you think you’re special because you’re obsessed with how evenly squared up the books are on your coffee table?

Do you think it matters to the sane world you have creases ironed into your jeans?

Do you think it is an admirable quality that you work 14 hours a day?

Are you proud that all your relationships are dysfunctional?

We don’t care if you set personal goals and care even less if you achieve them.

I’m not interested in your kid’s SAT scores.

I don’t care who details your BMW or how often.

You should be embarrassed the inside of your home looks like a museum.

For those of us, who are trying to live a balanced life, get some goddamn help!

You are making us very tired with your frenetic, obsessive, over-achieving.

Sit down, shut-up and have a goddamn beer.

Enough already.

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Thanks, so much, IB! Now, surely you’re not talking to me. I mean. Well..umm.not exactly, I DEFINITELY don’t have creases ironed into my jeans. But go over to Idiot’s Stew, if you’re interested in my own peculiar brand of perfectionism. I’ll link again. Just to be sure. Can’t be too careful. Don’t want to screw things up. Gotta get it right…

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If you want to visit another thought-provoking blog, check out Not A Science Geek. Thank you again for the tag and the kind words, Roshni!