1) Do you bring your dogs with you to the sledding hill?
2) Do you let your dogs off-leash on the sledding hill?
3) Do you let your dogs that “DON’T LIKE PEOPLE THEY DON’T KNOW**” off-leash at the sledding hill?
4) Do you let your children handle the situation by themselves?
5) Do you let your children handle the situation by screaming “STAY AWAY FROM OUR DOGS. THEY DON’T LIKE PEOPLE THEY DON’T KNOW” at the slightly terrified mother (played by Soleil Moon-Frye, or perhaps Mayim Biyalik)?
6) When Soliel/Mayim/Ann inquires of your children if they indeed “HAVE A GROWN UP” Will your children shout back across the sled hill “WE CAN’T CONTROL OUR DOGS. HE’S DEAF, SO DON’T TALK TO HIM” Leaving Soliel/Mayim/Ann confused as to whether “He” refers to the dog or the as-yet-to-appear grown up?
** all caps indicates yelling, even when standing side-by-side (layers).
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please refer to comedian Chris Mancini’s (Daddy Needs Some Alone Time) hysterical new book “Pacify Me: A Handbook for The Freaked Out New Dad”. In between scifi references Chris dishes out real advice, which I ignored because I was laughing so hard. I can’t imagine a better new baby gift. Except for free housecleaning.
Another great baby gift is “Yiddish for Babies: A Language Primer for Your Little Pitsel” By Janet Perr. Simon and Schuster contacted me to do a review, and I said I don’t do reviews but that title is so funny I will do a giveaway. Obviously I can’t be trusted, because I kind of just did a review of Chris’ book. So for the record, Yiddish for Babies is as funny as the title—it’s a mini coffee table book of funny pictures and Yiddish sayings. Call it a diaper table book.
Leave a comment below sharing the the worst parenting advice you ever gave, heard, or received, and which book you’d like. I’ll pick two winners for “Yiddish for Babies.” Chris will pick one winner, and send a signed copy of “Pacify Me”
I made no money and received nothing free for these giveaways. In fact I am losing money, as I didn’t know to ask Simon and Schuster to do the shipping, so please go easy on me and only enter if you live in the U.S. Okay?
Finally, this sledding hill meshiggas is non-fiction. The dogs did not maul us, despite the fact that the grown-up-that-finally-appeared let them sniff us repeatedly. And Chris does not address parental sledding aptitude in his book, so that is one small shortcoming I shall disclose.
Winners will be announced next week. May the lamest advice win!
True story- My 9 year old asked me if people really go sledding or is it just something that we see on television.
The joy of living in Los Angeles. My kids have never seen snow.
My husband’s grandmother, a devout Catholic gave us (both non-believers) a rosary for each of our newborn babies and told us that we should wrap it around the baby’s neck while driving in the car to protect her. AROUND THE BABY’S NECK! We told her that might not be such a good idea, strangulation hazard and all. Her response? The Lord would never harm a child. Perhaps, but we weren’t willing to take that chance.
Funny books!
Worst advice ever? I’ve blocked out all advice, good and bad, that I received after the kid was born. I do remember before the birth, one of my aunts said that I should roughen up my nipples with a towel every day to get them tough enough for nursing.
Pacify me… how appropriate. Don’t worry, I have a US address you can send it to.
My mom gave me my grandmother’s christening dress to me when my son was born… with a note attached saying, “For when you have a girl.” Gee… thanks, mom. Glad you’re so excited about your new grandson! Don’t know if that counts as advice, but I sure learned a lot from it! (I gave the dress to my sister when she succeeded in having a girl.)
I love book giveaways! I do not love scary dogs that aren’t on leashes (don’t really like them on leashes either – but at least the restraint gives my children and me a fighting chance).
After a holiday party and me consuming LOTS of wine I may or may not have told my 9 yr old son to “PULL MY FINGER!” and I may have released some gas. Bad advice. Don’t ever pull Mommy’s finger.
I need the Yiddish book. NEED IT!
My grandmother came to stay with me when my first son was born. She told me to sleep in the baby’s room so that my husband wouldn’t get any funny ideas. This probably doesn’t qualify as parenting advice but it made me laugh. She acted as if I were a Nafka. 🙂
i love the deaf-dog part.
i could just see it.
That’s just lovely. I love dogs, even deaf ones but I really want to SHOUT AT negligent dog owners. As for the books – thanks for the tips. I will look into them. I am also really impressed that you have identified your “who would play me in a Lifetime movie?” actresses – I really need to get on that!
Punky Brewster and Blossom. Too cool 😉
Not entering the giveaway because well… I’m not a parent. Unless my dog and cat count…
But did want you wish you a very Merry, Happy… etc, etc…
Jayne
The worst parenting advice I’ve ever gotten was from my mother who told me over and over, “Someday, you will have a daughter just like you.” I used to call it a threat. Now, I call it advice because I did have a girl who is JUST like me, and now find myself asking “What would Mom-alah do?”.
The Yiddish book. Definitely. Finally! A book for the changing table! The coffee table was getting overloaded..
The best advice I got for raising my boy was from his father’s grandmother: For the first year, I mind the baby. For the rest of his life, the baby minds me.
Pearl
I may burn for this but:
When my in-laws took my then 13 year old son to the movies they smoked in the car with him.
After a while my father-in-law wanted to pop a beer.
He needed both hands as he was driving, so he handed his lit cigarette to my son.
He said, “Go ahead and have a drag.”
We heard about this all second hand (s’cuse the pun) from our son, who was too shocked to keep it to himself.
When we very calmly inquired about the incident in solemn voices and reasonable verbiage, the advice was at the ready…
“One drag can’t hurt him,” safe, loving grandpa said, burping greasily. “Better from me than one of his buddies.”
Ah, me…
worst advice? when my twins were in the biting each other phase, my grandma told me to bite them so they’d learn. i guess she didn’t get that they knew what it felt like since they were biting the shit out of each other.
Someone’s grandmother (cough,cough *not mine*) suggested that if we doled out more spankings then our 2 year old would be much better behaved.
Right.
Yiddish For Babies– Ha! I love that one.
I don’t have any kids but I was baby sitting at a restaurant once and the baby spit his pacifier out– The waitress picked it up, dunked it in my Coke and stuck into the baby’s mouth which I sat there stunned… Which is a good example why I do not have any kids 🙂
Hope your holidays are good.
xo
Love the post…. but am completely fixated on Spencer’s brilliant comment…. with his grandpa “burping greasily.” lolz last night and still chuckling this morning!
And what morons, bringing their possibly mean/deaf dogs to a sledding hill! jerks.
Okay, this isn’t really advice (I’ll save the why for the end).
Brother and sister-in-law at our house. Caught up in the throws of a recently, not quite fully, some days never, potty trained son. He starts doing the pee pee dance.
“Bobby, do you have to tinkle?” Sis-in-law asks.
“NO!” Maybe being of the male variety he objected to the delicate description of his manly habit.
More pee pee dance.
“Bob, buddie. I think you need to go – ya know?” Bro-in-law nods his head with one furry eyebrow twitching up and down.
“Don’t havta, I said!”
“He CAN’T go, because I’m going to use the bathroom,” says SIL, making her moved up the log hallway from our living room.
“NO! BIL booms. You can’t, because I’m going to use it.
“No, me.”
“Me.”
They leap-frog their way up the hallway.
Little Bobby thinks this is such a hoot he starts to laugh, and pees all over my living room rug.
Really, I couldn’t muster any anger at the fact that my carpet was pee washed,(not like my own kids hadn’t dowsed it a time or twenty). Nor could I give them any advice like, oh, maybe . . . “When a kid has to pee, a kid has to pee and making him laugh isn’t a good idea.”
I was ROLFL myself. They still don’t see the humor in this (and we’re all grandparents now).
oops – if I am so lucky, Pacify Me would be great. I’ll give it to my own son-in-law who is definitely suffering from PTSD – ParenTing Stress Disorder – with a toddler and now newborn in the house.
worst advice ever gotten/gave/heard: Everything my ex mother in law ever said to me on the subject of children.
Worst advice? Its not gonna’ hurt him to suck on a stick! Better than a pacifier!
I’d love to have either book, but if I had to choose, Pacify Me would be the one.
Merry Christmas! ~ Just Joany
Red Wagon Flights
Pacify me sounds good to me, but I’ll take either as I love a good laugh.
Ok, advice… All I can think of is “enjoy it now because little kids have little problems and big kids have big problems” and you know what? It’s true.
Not entering the give-away (because I don’t live in the US, and I’m kind), but I just wanted to share (again) that I bought Chris’s book, for two people on my list…and they really liked it! Great for new parents!
Can I make a play date with you?
best blog post of the day! loved the yiddish baby. that does make me laugh…does punky brewster play you? 🙂 we were hiking once and i was wearing a stocking cap. a lady and her dog came by and i tried to pet the dog. which, apparently, was a BAD idea. the juicy tidbit where the lady had been attacked by a man in a stocking cap would have been great to know.
best advice: don’t listen to advice
worst advice: don’t let the baby lie on one side for too long, their head will flatten and deform..rotate them every hour or so…
and I live in morbid fear of the sledding hill
Peace ~ Rene
Don’t teach your child to toot on your Mother-in-law’s lap…My mother-in-law honestly believes that women don’t toot. I mean come on…really? I had too.
Oh wait…it was bad parenting advice…not choices. Well…I advise you not to teach your child to toot on your MIL’s lap. There…now it’s advice… 😉
Thanks Amy for the props.
Spencer