A Jessica Berns Post You Probably Missed

How’s everyone doing? My neighbors called me on my cell…something about a noise complaint? (Shrug) I’m in Florida. Some amazingly talented, and much more well-known bloggers than I stepped in to keep this bloggy party fashizzlin’.

Today I bring you the multi-talented Jessica Berns. Before you even read this you should go directly to her website and watch her web-series which chronicles a “neurotic woman’s journey through her weekly visits to her therapist.” I couldn’t stop with one episode, so I had my own little “Berndance” festival (sans Eskimo-couture). As much as bloggers overuse LOL, you really will laugh out loud and roll your ass around the floor (or whatever those damn acronyms claim). Her blog usually has the same effect. Here’s a sample…

I Came, I Annoyed, They Left

Last month was a banner month for me in the dating arena as I was blown off not once but twice.

In that vain, you’d think I’d have run to a salad bar or better yet a plastic surgeon, but no. I chose to go out and eat a bowl of pasta so big you’d a thought tomorrow was the marathon and I was the lead runner.

When I got to the restaurant, I went to sit by the window. At the table next to mine sat a woman, who looked to be in her late 40’s, and her daughter, who looked to be about 8. From the second I took my seat, I could feel this overwhelming urge to chat with the mom while at the same time feeling her overwhelming urge to leave before I said anything.

At one point I turned to the daughter and asked her how old she was. “Nine” she told me “but I’m going to be ten in three weeks.” By the look on this mother’s face you could tell she was way less than pleased with how forthcoming her daughter was being with this seemingly secret and vital information. Minutes later the little girl also informed me that she was going on a camping trip with her class from the (something something) school which seemed to upset the mother so much, she began stuffing her meal down her throat while madly waving to the waiter, indicating she wanted her check.

Now, I’ve got a real pet peeve when it comes to insanely uptight people and it is my visceral reaction to want to push them to their breaking point because….I can. Some people call it a character defect, I think it’ a talent. To me this woman’s reaction was so out of whack, I couldn’t help but probe her daughter further.

I went on to ask the girl her name, (Charlotte) and if she lived in the area (no, Mt. Washington). Problem was she could only remember the word “Mount” before she looked to her mother and asked her, “Mount? Mount?….”

At first the mother pretended not to hear her. I could see her trying to quickly come up with a fake name when the daughter proudly blurted out “Washington, Mt. Washington”. Now, I’ve never been to Mt. Washington. IF YOU GAVE ME DIRECTIONS, it would still take me days to find my way home, if ever. But in the spirit of apparently scaring the crap out of this woman, I smiled a huge smile and told the daughter, “I love Mt. Washington, I know it like the back of my hand”.

By now the mother looked like she was going to start hyperventilating. So, of course…I kept going. I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t like I was sitting there holding a puppy in my hands, telling the kid I had a big bag of candy waiting for her in my van which just so happened to be right outside, idling by the curb. Never mind, her mother was sitting right there!

In no time, the mother paid her bill, swooped little Charlotte away from the table and headed towards the exit. Being me, as in, someone who refuses to leave well enough alone, I couldn’t help but yell out to them at the last second, “Bye, see you around the neighborhood.”

Thanks, Jessica! Phoebe is still sleeping on top of the coat pile, FYI. We’re ready for her set when she perks up a bit.