I love this change of seasons. By the time I’ve finally input my boys’ extra-curriculars into my iBrain, our Midwestern Indian summer cools down for crisp mornings. My kids settle in to their classrooms, the new routine becomes more familiar, and we can enjoy our walk to school among trees turning Technicolor.
Though I adapt fairly well to changing schedules, and welcome the swap from sweaty maxi-dresses to cozy sweater coats, it’s the metaphorical changing of seasons with which I sometimes struggle. In fact, as my kids grow they seem to spin through the seasons of their lives far faster than I can anticipate. They leap ahead, while I lag behind trying to acclimate.
A decade ago I became a new mom, and somewhere along the way, I dropped the “new” and began considering myself a veteran. I can finally swaddle a baby with confidence, though my 7 and 10 year old are reticent to indulge me in that practice. For the most part, I know how to care for my kids when they fall ill, and trips to urgent care are mercifully less frequent than during their toddler years. But much like the evergreens that keep their needles regardless of weather, I cling to a few skills I’ve mastered as a parent, and then find myself flummoxed when my children outgrow them.
I recall my despondence when our parental efforts to make a safe space for big brother’s toys—he was a preschooler with a new baby brother—resulted in him becoming an older, entitled child who didn’t know how to share with his toddler brother. Upon the advice of a friend, we instigated a new rule: “Everyone shares in this family. ” Big brother surprised us by adapting readily. The season had switched in our home, and this adjustment helped calibrate our whole family’s temperature.
Yet, I seem to forget to keep an eye out for signs of impending change with my kids. Not long ago, I noticed how many times a day, for months, we disciplined our younger son for bad language. As we doled out consequences, we failed to recognize a positive. Taken from a different vantage point, our 7 year old was choosing to express himself verbally instead of physically—something we wanted to encourage. We found ourselves reevaluating once again. The rigid parenting that previously gave our young children structure and discipline, now required some fluidity to allow for their maturation into complex people with complex thoughts. We needed a more nuanced parenting approach that was flexible regarding words expressed indirectly in frustration, while still firm about words directed at someone in anger.
My older son began fifth grade, which means his season soon changes from boyhood to preteen. Recently, he held a tissue out the window while we sped down the interstate. Just as I warned him against it, the tissue flew from his hand . I snapped at him, with a warning that littering is against the law, and that we could get a ticket. I turned to look at him from the front seat, expecting backtalk, only to find him inconsolable. When did I become so uptight, anyway? Exactly how many Safe-T-Pop suckers did I devour at his age on the way home from a doctor’s appointment, only to lose the stick out the window? Forgetting to take a nuanced approach, I’d held onto my knee-jerk discipline reaction. No apology from me could compete with his fear and shame over “But I could have hurt our family.” Heart. Stomp.
I’m learning how to weather these changing seasons as a parent. I’m not a new mom, I’m not really even a veteran mom. But, I’m becoming the mom my children need today, as they evolve into their independent selves, and we traverse the sidewalks of our ever-evolving seasons, together.
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I love this. I was just thinking the other day that I feel like I am kind of “getting” this parenting thing – sometimes, and only at times. Other times it can still slash and burn me, but in many ways we are all working on it together – my kid hasn’t been her age for long, and in the end it works.
I like that Marlena, “my kid hasn’t been her age for long…” so true.
My 11 year old said to me recently, after I scolded her for running late to practice, “Sometimes you make a bigger deal out of things than they actually are.” She was absolutely right. She’s learning to be a pre-teen as I learn to parent her in that stage. And I’ve done this twice before. I guess I’m a slow learner. I guess that’s okay.
Great post, Ann, as always.
I find that comforting, Shannon. I think the term “parenting expert” is an oxymoron.
In the newness of parenthood , I truly believed that I was going to be supermom. Then reality hit me. I used to wish that someone could give me a grade on how I was doing as a mom ( on a curve, I hoped). Then I got more self assured and stopped worrying so much and then Pre-teen came to stay and wow, can I just say that this is all new territory! Let’s hope for a passing grade!
Loved this, Ann! And oh how I can relate to “When did I become so uptight, anyway?” Makes me think of your “unclench” by NOW. Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom. xo
I agree with that 100%! Loved this post, Ann. I love the way you put into words learning how to parent as you go. It was something I was thinking about over the weekend, and you captured it so well.
I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning feeling like I had utterly failed as a mom. Why were my 14 and 17 year olds acting like such…well, teenagers some would say.
This is so beautifully written what you have here. I just fear I missed a season, but maybe I can catch up…
Oh how I love this. I am relating all over the place! I am deep into this parenting thing right now and I feel like this is the hardest I’ve worked at it. So far.
Freaking out isn’t working although sometimes the jolt works. I have 2 very different kids. My daughter is all complexity and layers these days. When they’re toddlers everything is so basic and it’s a different kind of worry. Now…now…it’s more. The questions and the behaviors and the responsibilities are greater. There is a lot of fun in between too – a lot of laughter – thank God! I’m working on less reaction and more thought in my parenting. It’s a tough one for the over-reactor in me. Anyway, I’m trying. And sometimes that’s enough.
I really loved this post. It’s just nice knowing we’re in this parenting gig together. We’re not alone.
And that last paragraph…yes!!
One of my favorites things to hear or read is the experience of mothers who have gone before me – just not in a preachy way. Not only are your words beautiful and non-preachy, they are really, really helpful. Thank you.
Every time I master being a parent for a particular age child they go and have a birthday and I have to learn how to do it all again. If they would stop growing older…
I didn’t realize we had kids at the exact same ages. I sit here nodding along, yep yep yep. I struggle with my 7 year old quite a bit…this is a good reminder for me to pay attention to the strides he IS making. And don’t get me started on these 5h graders…they’re practically 30 already.
Super beautiful image of how life changes. They are on this little journey of growing and ultimately, we are their champions, their partners in helping them to negotiate the world…and life. To me, every age has been my favorite…and as they grow up, i suppose finally, must i. Sob. 🙂
I have a 10..1/2 year old who is just started to evolve into a preteen and most of the time i’m super cool and funny..but every once in a while I’m totally lame and theres no way I can be right. Then I have an 8 yr old and a 4 yr old who absolutely adore me and think I’m the most amazing person that has ever walked this earth. Grateful for both.
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