My Sweet Latitia (aka Ann’s Second Hate Mail)

(Actual email received)

Dear Sir,
I was looking at your web-site today, I entered it but wasn’t able to leave it. No matter what I did I couldn’t leave it and get back to my other work. I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t go forward, I couldn’t even turn off my computer to start over again! I felt like there was a force field surrounding me and my whole apartment building too! I tried to relax a bit to see why I had been jailed here. I read some more, tried to change my attitude, even though I felt I was being pulled into some kind of dark vortex and I might never return! Only at sunset did the force release me, long enough to write this letter, maybe it didn’t release me??? but I have to write you and ask you what your power is and what you want, I have no more strength to resist your pull. What do you want??? Your, Latitia

Dear My Latitia,

Welcome to annsrants.com, solitary confinement of the blogosphere. I’d liken it to The Hotel California, but even that pre-minibar-era cliché provides beds. You couldn’t go back! You couldn’t go forward! Be honest My, Latitia, did you at least try commenting? 

People often find God doing time, so it pleases me to know that you at least relaxed a bit to ponder. So, why are you jailed here? What answers did you come upon and could you please share them with me? I’ve spent four years in this dark vortex waiting for release—at least you saw the sunset, wisenheimer.

Tell me more about your apartment building: Is it a walk-up? Efficiency? Do you have a murphy bed? I feel unsure about the source of my power, but as for what I want–go ahead and set the scene for me Latitia. Show, don’t tell. Also, I’d like a non-puking cat.

Incidentally, I want to commend you for your priorities. Instead of running to make or take water at dusk–upon my force’s release– you promptly returned to your email as only a faithful student of the internet would. My Latitia, have you gotten back to your work penning internet spam? What about your computer—off or on? Also, have you checked-in on your other neighbors? Are they still Stay-at-home-humorist force-fielded, or did sunset provide them some respite? Finally, do the freaks come out at night, Oh oh?

Of course you have no more strength to resist my pull, my siren-like vortex has trapped others in similar distaste in the past. Keep trying to change that attitude. In the meantime, I suggest you rest and recharge–change into a terry gym suit and send out for cold sesame noodle. Here, I’ll just send it through the little metal chute. Don’t get sauce on your keyboard.

Yours,

Sir

***

Happy Thanksgiving, inmates! I hereby release you from the dark vortex for the 4-day weekend, as I prepare to fill it with stuffing. Wishing you a peaceful holiday.