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Yoga For The Rest Of Us

    The famous blogging yogi Braja (of Lost and Found in India) and I post in tandem today. I sought her counsel after getting stuck in a folding chair doing Downward Facing Dog. Yes, most people use the floor for downward dog, but those people likely aren’t strung like the Tin Man. Those people need not resort to props usually reserved for grandpas. As she tried to electronically coax my torso out of the folding chair death-grip, I told her about Mom-n-Tot yoga classes. She laughed so hard she yelled something about Tiger Balm, and then ran off to type this hilarious post. But real quick, here’s yoga for the rest of us…

    Tired of those stinky mats at the Y? Had enough of Shiva supposedly-in-my-first-trimester Ray? Is Rodney’s spandex-covered Yee a little to Yee Haw first thing in the morning? Before you throw in your yoga blankie, try these…

    Downward Facing Jowls: a morning asana

    Worrier Pose: knit brow, tense jaw, shake head, beat chest, spit over shoulder—simultaneously

    Childish Pose: hands on hips, jutted lower-lip, eye-roll

    Oh-Joy Breathing: heavy sighs alternating with atonal “I’m irritated” humming

    Oy-Vey Breathing: Same as above, but shake head and tsk/cluck instead of hum

    Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend: curl up in fetal position and alternate laughing and crying hysterically.

    Son Salutation: Turn on PBS kids, high five, and proceed directly to

    Chattarunga: phone a friend

    Mountain Pose: stand next to the laundry hamper.

    Happy Mommy Pose: put the pillow over your head and go back to sleep.

    Bridge Pose: invite a few bluehaired-buddies over from the day center and gather around the card table.

    Plank: Breastfeed two boys. Ween. Look at your profile in the mirror.

    Inversion: twist someone’s words (this is a good couples pose)

    And finally a resting pose…shi-vassana (aka QUIET. I’m in the BATHROOM)

    [Oh, and as you can see…its hereditary. Sorry Just-Five]

    0 thoughts on “Yoga For The Rest Of Us”

    1. Pseudonymous High School Teacher

      What fun these are, dead on.

      When your boys turn into teenagers you will need to add the wallet pose. That is when you dump whatever money you have out of your wallet and give it to the teen boy so he will leave the house and you won’t have to kill him.

    3. ♥ Braja

      And now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and get into a long term shhhhhhhhavasana….it’s night time, babies…

      Woops. Did someone mention babies? I think I’m in trouble….

    5. Joanie

      Like I told Braja, this body does not do yoga. I do like your version, however. I just might try some of these poses…. wait, I HAVE done a lot of these poses!

    6. Comedy Goddess

      I told Braja that Yoga is another four letter word for Pain.

      But I gotta say, I love your new take on the discipline. What do you call it?

      AnnsRantsavassanah?

    7. Rachel

      I’m totally a master of the Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend, The Plank and The Inversion. And I’ve never even been to a yoga class!!!

    15. CDB

      I’m still laughing at “son” salutation, clever. Wish tv worked on my son. Full circle, it was our baby yoga teacher who warned me AGAINST letting my son watch tv as a baby/toddler. Now look where I am.

    17. Michelle

      Ann you totally had me at getting stuck in a folding chair!!! I am really laughing loudly at that. So was the chair folding up with you in it?? And were you bent over with said folding chair folded up all around your body?

      You should strike a pose, and keep it.

      By the way, I do a lot of Oy Vey breathing even without having a kid around!!!

    21. Ryan Ashley Scott

      My husband always asks about downward dog. Now I have a ready-list of what to give him instead.

      I’m going to have to stop coming here, Ms. Rantzzz, as my computer screen has become nearly impossible to read through the haze of spewed coffee and diet soda. What? Clean it? We’ll see.

    25. Heather

      If I was wearing a diaper right now it would be full because I laughed so hard at the plank, in fact I am going to be giggling about that all day.

      Really funny post.

    26. bernthis

      Where is the pose (the one my mother makes all the time) called, “everyone pay attention to me”? It calls for you to have your hand on your chest and a very worried look in your eyes.