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Trader Ho

    Every week I visit Trader Joe.

    I give him sums of money.

    I’m a Trader Ho.

    Everyone knows I’m a Trader Ho—at the library, at preschool, even (for shame) at other grocery stores. My industrious Trader Joe keenly branded my life with his scarlet letters on indestructible bags, and he keeps my kids tattooed in stickers.

    Joe has serious street cred. No, seriously, you’ve GOT to try the Greek-style yogurt. The beluga lentils perfect a salad. The COOKIES, O, the cookies: Oatmeal dark chocolate chunk, Maple crèmes, the Sea Salted Brownie Bites… Even kids love the mandarin orange chicken. Don’t get me started about his perfect avocados. And so reeznabul…

    Trader Joe—sporting his smart island print–keeps thing tidy and ambient for a reliably pleasant experience. I’d much rather hang at his cozy place then any of the big boxes in town. After all, he keeps me stocked in cheap booze. He tempts me with flowers. He even feeds us and gives my kids treats when we visit. We always leave wanting more—more mint hot cocoa, more penne arrabiata, more pomegranate limeade! YES! YES! YES!

    (collecting myself, cooling off with personal mister)

    But, what a player! How much did you love that $5 Petite Syrah? GONE. Those chewy lemon mints by Ricola? Vanish-ed. Sharon’s Coconut Sorbet? Depends on the day. The intrigue!

    I’ve been down this road before. I used to be a Costc-ho. Costco spoiled me rotten, too. But he took more and more of my money, and left me all the heavy lifting. Ho-foods offered beautiful organic widgets at just $17.99/lb, but what hos can afford those premiums?

    I had to find new management.

    Thank you, Trader Joe. You picked me up from those wide aisles and gave me a grocerydaddy. I’m proud to be a Trader Ho.

    UPDATE: If you’re a Trader Ho, or just Trader Jo-curious you must check out this youtube link that G. Coppard (The Recession of Depression) left for me in the comments below.
    5555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555!

    Some belated thank yous:

    Thank you to Roshni from Not a Science Geek, and Lyndsay from I Used To Be Witty for tagging my Sconnie Vlog Saturday night. You guys are great bloggy friends, and I appreciate your support.

    Thanks also to Aliceson from Feet off The Table for promoting the Wurst Mothers of The Year Video. Amy and I had a ball creating that mini-movie and I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Aliceson, great news that Mae is recovering back at home. What a huge relief that must be for all of you.

    Finally, thanks so much to Meaghan at Mama’s Cup for citing Ann’s Rants as her favorite “new to me” blog. Go check out her classy site.

    Have a great week, friends!

    0 thoughts on “Trader Ho”

    1. Frau

      I have never been, only because we never had one where I’ve lived. I’m missing out on something big damn I hate that. Enjoy it sounds amazing!!!

    3. lisa

      Trader’s is the only place to go. Where else can you buy wine @$2.99 a bottle. But, Costco tempts me a few paces down the road. Color TVS, tools and even funeral services. I mean really, what’s not to like?

      Although my daughter always hassles me when I return from both places because neither of them sell HOT POCKETS. For this, I say, you’re on your own, babe.

    4. ♥ Braja

      Oh go ahead, RUB IT IN. Especially after that talk you had with this woman who lives in a village in India about one pound blocks of BELGIAN CHOCOLATE at Trader Joe’s….oh thank yooooou.
      No 5’s. NO 5’s!!

    5. Eternal Lizdom

      Don’t tell the other… but I am both a Trader-Ho and Cost-Ho. Can’t help it. They both satisfy me in different ways. I suppose I’m building my family for paradise… I’m all about shop-ygamy.

    6. hokgardner

      We don’t have Trader Joe’s here in Austin, where we are ruled by Whole Foods (the company’s headquarters are her) and Central Market. But given your descriptions, I’m guessing it’s a good thing we are missing out.

      Check out my Spanish Inquisition post from last week. I gave you a shout-out.

    7. Jess

      Trader Joe has been playin’ me for a while by promising to come to my town and then backing out. I can’t wait forever for you, TJ.

    10. Aliceson

      Another Joe ho checking in. I love both Trader Joe’s and Costco. My favorite from Trader Joe’s is of course the cheap booze. They have the best (though it’s not always in stock) sparkling wine for only 5 bucks a bottle. We finished the last bottle yesterday so I’m ready for another run.

      Thanks for the kind wishes to Mae! She’s doing well at home and is even going back to school tomorrow after 2 weeks of being sick.

    12. lizspin

      Our Trader Joe’s doesn’t see the booze. It’s hard to be a Joe Ho when Whole Foods in the next town sells wine. . . I buy cheap wine and expensive everthing else!

    15. Michelle

      Dude I was just at Trader Ho’s today!! I mean it. I wandered around like a school girl in love. WITH EVERYTHING!! Then a man kicked my wagon because he said I was to “close” to his bags. Bags I tell you that were NOT from Trader Ho’s. Just some nondescript white bags from like Walgreens or something. How dare he kick my wagon full of Trader Ho’s goodness. I chose to ignore him as I was fiddling with my can of Trader Ho’s coffee. Oh and the greek yogurt YUMMO!!!! I like the honey flavor! YOU???

      HO HO HO!!!!

      I love you trader HO!!!!

    16. Claire S

      Even when we’re only in Madison for a couple hours, we ALWAYS stop at our friend Joe’s. We stock up–it’s best when we’re coming back from camping and have an empty cooler in the car:)

    17. G. Coppard

      Well Ann, there are many other, much more harmful addictions one could have. I’ve never imbibed in T.J. myself, but most folks who go seem to be the Costco crowd. I’d much rather take part in a back-monkey that destroys my body or wipes out my mind… or both!

      This video should produce a chuckle…

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdB7GDZY3Pk

      Cheers,

      G.C.

    18. Beth

      Damnnit! When my husband and I went to San Francisco, I begged and begged to go to Trader Joes (because we live where they sell chitterlings) and he said NO. He is a mean pimp, I swear!

    20. Kate Coveny Hood

      Trader Joe’s could easily single-handedly feed me for the rest of my life. While I do enjoy home cooked meals and can home cook with the best of them – I’m just as happy heating up a frozen bag of TJs gnocchi. I could live on their eggplant cutlets (in fact I have – if you consider a week, “living”)

    21. Lilly

      Oh we dont have them here which is a right shame given I quite fancy the idea of being a Joe Ho. I have been a slack blogger and havent been around anywhere much lately but I read you are doing Vlogs and wow that I have to see.

    25. Jenn Thorson

      Oh, gosh, I’m a Trader Ho, too. That Coconut sorbet… their inexpensive bags of frozen asparagus… Their Trader Ming’s delicious eggrolls…

      I hear ya, sister!

    27. 3 Bay B Chicks

      Thank you for this post. Previously, I had not been able to diagnose my Trader Jo’s addiction. Now, after reading your blog today, I realize that I am just a plain ole ho!

      I swear I learn everything I need to know on the Internet.

      -Francesca

    28. CDB

      I am such a Trader Ho. And now that will be my mantra as I wheel my cart in to the sound of a dinging bell and “Man Overboard, Man Overboard! Ship to Shore.” My toddler is just starting to appreciate balloons. Jive Ho!

      And I seriously make the family eat pasta arrabiata once a week (paired with the chicken Italian sausage!)

    29. Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub

      I am totally a Trader Ho. And that dude is pimpin’ almost every day of the week with my sorry ass within walking distance….

      I am going to be so adrift when I get to England!!! Mark’s & Spencer Ho just doesn’t have that ring to it!

    31. Roxane

      I get so excited about Trader Joe’s! But I get so bummed because it’s about an hour from my house. If they were to open one near me I would probably fall even more in debt lol