Jews? The season of repentance is upon us. Time for TEKIYAH TRADING COMPANY’s GATES ARE CLOSING SALE. Now is the time for fantastic deals. Are you Yontif-ready?
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Bobby pin holes in last year’s yarmulke? Darn it up and Dress it up with Bubbe’s Bedazzler! Take the tired sports-themed kippah to a fashionable new level. The congregant sitting behind you will thank you. Unless of course you happen to blind him with your beanie- bling, in which case you will owe him a new pair of bifocals (bifocals buy one get 1/2 off a second pair).
Have you seen your colorist? The days of counting gray hairdos during silent meditation are long gone, ladies. 18% off Ash Blond and Blue/Black hair color.
Need an easy way to tell your kids teachers “Shanah Tovah Love You Mean it?” Absolute Apples-Milk-N-Honey, just $19.99 a pint.
Shofar blowers, are you prepared to act as though Tekiah G’dolah is not a competition? Even when Sid Goldstein out-blows you again? Our patented ram’s horn enhancer will help you put the Show back in Shofar (Half off with any prescription anxiety medication refill)
Caffeine addicts? Are you narrowing down to half caffs? Is it worth it? Try our New Year Nicotine patch, for a truly easy fast.
Rabbis, struggling to find yet another sermon out of the binding of Isaac? Slaying of the first born Mad Libs for only $9.99!
Gentile children? Need a signed note from “Zayde” to get you out of class? No worries, we can even duplicate last year’s signature for a small fee.
Sinners? If two hands won’t suffice, consider our discreetly designed Tashlich Tote! It fits right under your talit and holds an additional supply of sins to cast off.
Whatever the challenge, we’ve got your solution. Even for you, people in the cheap seats. “Shanah Tovah Tuchas” seat cushions are twofers while they last.
Order now, and receive 18% off our DIY build-your-first-sukkah-that-doesn’t-sucka
OK, whistlin’…..a Jewish tune, of course…
Enjoy your starve this holiday season. As for us, I *working* with for my husband this weekend. When catering calls, he answers (such a Jew – especially in this economy). I’ll miss the services this weekend.
So sad.
Okay. Maybe not. But I do feel guilty already. Damnnit!
This one had me cracking up Ann!!
I’m Jewish and I didn’t understand half of this. OY!
A quarter Jewish (thanks Grandpa!)and know enough to know that you are funny. 🙂
Pearl
I’m with Becky, say wha?
The best start to the New Year I can think of! Shana Tova and you’re brilliant! I’m sending this to as many Jewish friends as possible!
I grew up with the Catholics – so I only understood about half of this (I’m not completely ignorant – we do have cable). But what I did understand was very funny!
Hahahahahah….ahem.
You’re brilliant.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Ah, sweet guilt.
I long ago decided that the REAL repentance and punishment happens when we get to listen to the rabbi try to explain away the binding of Isaac just ONE MORE TIME.
You’d think eventually one of them would just admit that, well, it’s a terrible story. Let’s move on.
Wouldn’t you???
Ann, wow..you are clearly wasting your time blogging…get your own shopping channel NOW!!!!!!!
And the Mad Libs can be easily translated and adjusted to fit any denomination!!! Hot Seller! Order Now! Operators are standing by
Peace – Rene
Hey! I just had a brilliant thought!
You know how Amy and Braja used to do that One Morning a Week thing to contrast their differences?
How about you and I do a Jewish/Catholic thing and we’ll call it. . . well. . . you think of the funny name and I’ll do it!
Isaac? Binding? I really ought to pay better attention. Very funny stuff, Ann.
Ha! “Bubbe’s Bedazzler!” Very funny. And I love the 18% off too. Very clever 🙂
L “Shana Tova
xo
I always feel a little left out of all the fun around this time of year.
I’m all set now! perfect.
I know somebody who’d be all OVER that $9.99 Mad Libs deal — JESUS. Cause he SAVES!
Cheap seats? How’d ya know?
(Come on, TELL me somebody got that joke?)
Joanne stole my comment. 18% and bedazzler…very funny.
How many apples did your kids eat at school last week?
Nothing like starting your new year with a tidy house, having dispensed with all the detritus of a year well lived.
Love it! It’s bad that I promised the kids more apples and honey for dessert last night and then backed out, right? I have a few more days though before those gates are closed…extra honey for everyone after school today for sure!
I don’t even know what half of these references met but this totally made me smile : ) Thank you!