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Please do “GET ON THE FLOOR” and other bank-robbery survival nuggets

    If you are on Twitter, you may already know that I was party to an armed bank robbery on Tuesday morning. In fact I was THE party, in that I was the only customer on premises when the crime occurred. I don’t want to rehash the whole event, because then my adrenaline gets going and my posture becomes very DomoAriGotoMr.Roboto and I have to go yogify myself.

    But I will say that if you catch a glimpse of a scruffy man with a huge plastic trash bag BEHIND the teller counter and hear the words “GET ON THE FLOOR” follow his instructions. If you tend toward courteousness in a crisis, you too may have a moment to tell your personal banker to GET OFF THE PHONE AND GET ON THE FLOOR.

    “Nuggets” implies more than one nugget, so here is one more potentially life-saving nugget: Listen during your mortgage refinancing when they tell you that you must send in your property taxes. Pay attention, rather than just nodding and signing and signing and signing all the while humming “Sussudio. Ohwhoa-oh” through your Werther’s butterscotch-clenched jaw.

    If you listen, then you will know when you never receive the check that you are supposed to submit in order to pay your 2009 property taxes. You won’t miss the deadline and end up in your neighborhood branch bank location needing a new check, at the precise moment that a dude jumps over the counter with a gun.

    Ben Franklin mused about the certainty of death and taxes, and for me they are now inextricably linked.

    p.s. the winner of the Shopbop $100 gift card is Luther Liz from Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek. Congrats and happy shopping! Liz? Email me (annsrants@yahoo.com) with your mailing address.

    p.p.s. The police already have two suspects in custody. Right ON!

    p.p.p.s I am doing okay. I could qualify that in all sorts of heightened-awareness, duck-and-cover ways, but I think I’ll stop here.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    0 thoughts on “Please do “GET ON THE FLOOR” and other bank-robbery survival nuggets”

    2. dearheart

      OMG, wow. I’m so glad that you are okay. If it helps your posture and your spirits, I liked a lot of lines here – “personal banker” and “Sussudio” among them.

      To life!

    5. idgtm

      I also got held up at gun point while working in a boutique in Milwaukee. Wow, we’re not only both Jewish, but also “survivors.” I think we’re twins.

      Glad you took the advise and got on the floor.

    9. Corinne

      How did I miss this on Twitter? My mother comes into town, I step away from the computer… and look what happens 😉
      That’s just crazy. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but so glad you’re ok.

    10. IB

      This is yet another good reason to stay on top of the bills. Online banking is a blessing.

      Also, I think it’s brilliant that you are able to so quickly find some humor in such a terrifying situation.

      I am glad you are not dead. That would suck. Seriously.

    12. Becky

      I know we aren’t supposed to make fun of this anymore (AND WE SO AREN’T) but this post was really funny.
      The part about your posture getting very Mr Roboto. Priceless.
      Love ya lady… so glad you are ok!

      Oh and guess what? My name is really Luther Liz. Weird huh?

    13. MommyTime

      I’m glad you are okay. You weren’t by any chance in the tall corner bank at the top of State Street, the one with the small triangular glass lobby, were you? I have a friend with a completely hilarious story of trying to get into that bank to make a vital deposit one day, only to be locked out by a manager who tersely told her to “Go AWAY.” Punch line = my friend was trying to cajole and irate her way into a bank that was in the process of being robbed. It’s much funnier when you’re not actually in the middle of the robbery but just trying to get into it.

    15. txmomof3

      So glad you are okay. Wondering if your brain works like mine does when crazy shit goes down in my life these days, which is to immediately think “Okay, wow, this is some GOOD blog fodder.” Silver linings, people!

      Also, sussudio? Brilliant.

    17. Amy

      Good Lord! I’m so glad it was uneventful. You know, as bank robberies go anyway.

      (I’m new here. My friend Nap Warden talked about you at Blissdom so I’m subscribed!)

    22. Lisa Page Rosenberg

      So grateful that you made it through with your bod and sense of humor intact.

      I am done teasing you about your possible involvement as the driver of the get-away car.
      No more jokes. Really.
      Attica! Attica!
      OK. That slipped out, but now I am really done.

    23. gretchen

      WHoa! Though I hate that you may have to yogify yourself, I want more details! A bank robbery is one of those things that I always imagine happening to me and think of how I’d behave, but I’m sure that if it ever actually happened, I’d totally forget everything I’d planned. Man!

    26. Deb

      good thing you didn’t have your kidlings with you… it’s one thing to scar an already frazzled mom who may or may not find a few days in the special padded room at the institution a refreshing treat.

      so glad you are here to tell us about it. if you need a semi-stranger/friend to talk to, i’m here for ya.

    30. Kate Coveny Hood

      Wow – that’s incredible. I always wonder what I’d be like in a crisis like that. Based on past experience, I’d probably dissociate and be annoyed that the robber is making me late for my hair appointment. So glad you’re okay!

      Also – just an FYI – you didn’t include “Geek” in the link for “Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek”. So it kind of sounds like you’re calling Liz a geek – which of course you may be – because I’ve totally heard that about her. But just in case – you know?

    34. Spencer L Casey

      This is not advice on how to, just an observation. The guys that come in with guns usually get caught and/or shot to dead. The guys that come in with a note usually get away. Course usually is not enough to risk a federal crime, so best not turn to one in any case. 🙂 Glad you are OK.

      Cheers,

      SLC

    38. Beth

      Oh my gosh! You win! Your week was tougher than mine!

      Wowzer! That stuff really happens, eh? I thought it was something that just happened in the movies.

    39. anymommy

      I go out of town for ONE week and the shit hits the fan. Or the bank. Or something. I am SO glad you’re all right. Hug everyone. Have them hug you. Only you could make me giggle a little describing a bank robbery and I tell you that only because you are alive to type about it.

    42. Getrealmommy

      Ann,

      Nothing funny about this one. Wow. I am so very happy that you are okay. I love reading your blog, I have often wondered about you over the years, Rebecca Jallings was the person who turned me on to your blog.
      Do you still sing?

      Best,
      Rachel (Sacks) Kargas

    44. Hyacynth

      My goodness, Ann! I’m really glad you are ok.
      And how are you hilarious even after an event like this. Almost woke up the toddler this morning at 6 from laughing so hard at your Mr. Roboto reference.

    46. Mr Lady

      I worked at a bank for three years, and I stopped when it got robbed (on my day off) and a whole mess of tellers got dead.

      I’m so sorry, dude. SO SORRY.

    51. Boy Crazy

      Holy shit look what a freaking job is making me miss on twitter!

      In all seriousness, Ann — I’m so glad you’re OK. Holy crap, that’s scary.

      Big hug.

      E.

    52. kara

      That particular branch of that particular bank is the “most robbed bank in the county”. I know this because the bank’s former manager is a client of mine. That being said, I think it’s been robbed 2 (well, now 3) times in the past couple of years. Glad you are ok, and the kids weren’t with you. May I suggest the Credit Union named after the County you live in. We switched to them a year ago and love them! So much better!

    53. Lee of MWOB

      I can not believe what you will do for blog traffic and comments.

      You are sinking way low sister. On the floor low.

      🙂

      Yikes.

      You KNOW I’m beyond thrilled to know you’re fine. WHEW.
      xo

    54. Boy Crazy

      I just re-read this to glean new nuggets of humor (mmmm…humor nuggets….) and I was pleased to catch Sussidio Who-ooah, which somehow blew right past me last time.

      I <3 Phil.