Make sure your bed and your desk face the door. Beware of your enemies–you don’t want your back to the door. If you don’t want to see your children, shut your door.
Your Nagle print has bad chi. Please tell her to remove her sunglasses. How rude.
Who, who who who who let the Ikea out? I am not feeling any Feng, nor shui. You are very heavy on your IVAR-EXTORP-KARLSTAD. Far far too much LEVSIK getting in the way of your prosperity.
Where is the love in this bathroom? You must immediately remove the tub, remove the wall, and replace with a sectional sofa. Sectional sofas are a place to cuddle. Bathtubs are simply a place for soaking in your own filth.
Stop flushing all your money down the toilet. This toilet is in your money corner. It needs to go in one of the other corners. Teach your boys to pee sitting down. Unburden them from their haphazard flow.
Get that fat cat off your keyboard. Girth interrupts creative flow. Hair interrupts keyboard function. Also hair clogs drains, and all of yours are slow. Get that hair off your chi. Gross.
Why is that empty frame sitting on the floor. That is a window of death. All your loved ones should smile down beatifically upon you, not be all up in your inbox like that.
See? Grandma has poster putty on her. Get the poster putty off Grandma’s Chi.
Also. Why is that frame white? Don’t you feel the “too much air”? Not enough earth. Bamboo immediately. Go forth and bamboo. Get bambooey with your bad self.
Now burn some sage and run around the perimeter of your house. A cinnamon stick will have to do. That is not running.
That vacuum cleaner is too damned heavy. Too much earth, not enough air. Don’t you feel the burden? Perhaps I have mentioned my cleaning services.
Rearrange your cupboards according to the bagua. Your rice milk is royally screwing your relationship corner. Canned beets do not belong in your success corner. I realize baguas do not have corners. Smarty pants.
Okay, stop running now. Your house smells of cinnamon and I can do no more for you. That will be $185.00
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Thank you very much to everyone who commented on my project momcasting post below. Your enthusiasm for Listen to Your Mother is very motivating, and on a personal level I really appreciate the love and show of support. xoxo
Feng Shui is foreign for “let me mess up your home and take your money while I’m at it”.
Oh, you are so right about bathtubs. I don’t want to sit in a simmering soup of self. And your Nagle prints? Besides having bad chi, really belongs in Simon Le Bon’s house. You can Feng Shui my digs any time.
“Go forth and bamboo.” Indeed. Most excellent happy chi.
Let’s outside together!
So I may blame Feng Shui for the whole sitting down to pee thing? Is it not enough the they don’t let them play tag on the playground any longer?
I’m going to go “bambooey with my bad self” and start a new movement – real men aim.
Namaste.
You could have a job here in Berkeley. Someone would hire you. Just put your hair in some dreads and throw on a tie-dye tshirt.
Just use my cleaning lady instead.
The Feng Shui part is included in her price . . .
Very funny.
I do know a lot about Feng Shui and I was surprised to hear that baguas don’t have corners.
Are you reading the book in Chinese?
Hilarious! And very informative! I didn’t know bamboo could counterbalance too much air. Perhaps I should get a bamboo collar for our awful cat.
I laughed so hard at this. So hard I nearly choked on one of those dark chocolate fish in my Phish Food.
How did you know I issue with poster putty? I thought my son and I agreed that was between us!
Wasn’t Hong Kong Fooey a Feng Shui master?
Yes! The Nagle print! My sister had one of those. LOL! Although I’m slightly disappointed that you linked rather than making the ignorant rely on the Google, per your usual obscure references. 😉
🙂 I laughed out loud, and now my boss thinks he’s funny.
Pearl
Can you come to my house and do a consultation?
Glossing Over It
Oh, no. I am totally Feng Shui Fucked.
That’s freaking hilarious. If you don’t want to hear your children, close the door. If you don’t even want to hear them for a long time, put a DVD on before you close the door. And keep a bowl of Cheerios on the floor in your success corner.
Can this Feng Shui help me remove hair from my chi?
Hee!
I guess I know more about feng shui than I thought, because I already knew about that whole bathtub-filth thing.
OK, I’m off to bamboo.
You are a genius.
I am resorting to electrolysis for my chi.
Keep the cheese sticks facing north and off the couch. I hate trying to get the fengingshui cheese off of my carpet.
I’m bowing low before you.
Much has now been explained that was unclear to me. Thank you, Anniesan.
thank you so much for this. I just realized the tomato sauce in my cabinet is preventing me from trying other types of food, thus leaving me a very closed up person…okay, WTF did I just say?
dude. the hubs and I are solo (or duo) cause my mom and dad have the kids (we saw inception last night and as a sidenote, I’m not sure if I’m dreaming right now or if this is real) Reading this post was the best morning date. We are sitting in the sun (but not too much sun) on the patio (free of toy clutter) with the morning paper (but the dog keeps licking herself loudly in gross places so that adds bad juju…but…) We laughed hysterically over this post. Yes, I read it out loud again.
I feel cleansed.
ooohhhmmmmmmm
To me, good Feng Shui means being able to walk across my living room without tripping over crap.
Feng Shui experts in Wisconsin charge $185?? My Chi is offended by that.
My mom pronounces it Fung SHWEEE. Sounds like something I should buy foot power for……
My Chi is chuckling right now. And I agree about the bathtub; who needs to soak in their own filth? That’s why I take showers. Cheaper than a sectional sofa replacement.
Currently my mother in law and brother in law are taking up residence in my living room. All of their personal affects are mingling with Hayden’s toys and my unwashed laundry.
My chi is f*%#ed.
Just found your blog – and what a perfect post to be the first that I read of yours! Thanks bunches 🙂
oxoxo
Denalee
Thank you for suggesting the cinnamon stick alternative–I’m now off to feng my shui before the family gets back home.