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Inflexible

    Have you ever met an inflexible kid? Not the kind who won’t negotiate, the kind who can’t touch their toes. While some children roundoff back-hand-springed their way through childhood, I crab walked. Desperate to keep up with my ballet classmates, I’d go on benders stretching for hours at a time. I figured rigorous stretching accompanied by the Flashdance soundtrack, would result in a welding contortionist. Yet I made it through childhood without so much as a side split. Or a torch welder. The injustice…

    You can imagine where that leaves me as an adult. A few years ago–no longer able to delude myself with Irene Cara’s Mania–I enrolled in Mitzi’s noon yoga class.

    Mitzi, age 80-something, has the body of a ten-year-old, and the affect of Anne Robinson of “The Weakest Link.” If you’ve forgotten about that moment of TV game show history, the host Ms. Robinson eliminated contestants with “YOU ARE THE WEEKEST LINK. GOODBYE!” Mitzi’s version sounded more like “YOU HAFF DA CURVED SACRUM. FLAHTTEN!”. Imagine Dr. Ruth Westhiemer in a unitard, minus the cheerful genitalia banter, but with a similar hairdo. Now add a dash of Plastic Man.

    Mitzi teaches real yoga. Not gym-rat, passive-aggressive I’m skinnier than you yoga, not slo-flow ‘n disco yoga, but lithe hairy retirees getting both legs behind their heads yoga.

    Mitzi did not like my curved lumbar, and she worked it regularly with “adjustments.” Having a 100 pound octogenarian sit on your back might seem awkward, but it didn’t feel any stranger than having the thickest toenails I’ve ever seen on my right, or having the most threadbare bike shorts purchased in 1982 on my left.

    I started experiencing shooting pain down my right leg outside of class. As the pain became more severe, so did my parenting. “No Mommy cannot read with you on the couch. Mommy can never sit again. Everyone lie on their stomach next to Mommy and we’ll mix up a batch of brownies!” When I could no longer cut my own toenails, I gave up on Mitzi’s class. My new friend Sciatica was happy to stay put however, so I had to seek help.

    Soon I spent all my paid baby sitter time seeking various remedies, costing more money and more sanity than I’d been dealt in the first place. I started with physical therapy, moved on to acupuncture, and then threw in some supportive clinical therapy for good measure. As Husband traveled around the country for work, I traveled around the city laying on different tables. My mother-in-law even brought her inversion table for me to try when she came to visit. Second only to traction, the inversion table felt great, but did not provide lasting results–except for awesome hair, and a terrific child catapult.

    A friend introduced me to John Sarno’s “Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection” which explains that the majority of back pain stems from repressed emotion. I found this fascinating, but completely irrelevant to my rage-free existence. Obviously, Sarno could suck it, and WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT ME ANYWAY. The acupuncture seemed to be helping, so I relegated Sarno to the bottom of the bedside table pile—underneath a few titles my mom had given me: “Things Are Falling Apart All Around You” “Letting Go of Your Death Grip” and “Everything Terrifies You.”

    I eventually regained normal functioning through a steroid injection, 5.75 mental breakdowns and daily svaroopa yoga (more old people yoga!) I also developed my own practice called EAT SAHM Yoga for the Exhausted Angry Tightly-ham-strung Stay at Home Mother. Here are some traditional yoga poses, adjusted for the EAT method:

    Downward Facing Jowls: a morning asana

    Worrier Pose: knit brow, tense jaw, shake head, beat chest, spit over shoulder—simultaneously

    Childish Pose: hands on hips, jutted lower-lip, eye-roll

    Oh-Joy Breathing: heavy sighs alternating with atonal “I’m irritated” humming

    Oy-Vey Breathing: Same as above, but shake head and tsk/cluck instead of hum

    Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend: curl up in fetal position and alternate laughing and crying hysterically.

    Son Salutation: Turn on PBS kids, high five, and proceed directly to

    Chattarunga: phone a friend

    Mountain Pose: stand next to the laundry hamper.

    Happy Mommy Pose: put the pillow over your head and go back to sleep.

    Bridge Pose: invite a few blue-haired buddies from svaroopa yoga and gather around the card table.

    Plank: Breastfeed two boys. Ween. Look at your profile in the mirror.

    Inversion: twist someone’s words (this is a good couples pose)

    And finally a resting pose…shhhhi-vassana (aka QUIET. I’m in the BATHROOM)

    EAT SAHM is safe for all levels. Results do vary. I, however, still cannot touch my toes.

    0 thoughts on “Inflexible”

    1. Jill

      And neither can I. Hilarious! Totally needed this tonight. And totally justified WHY I can’t shouldn’t even bother working out… because with hubby gone for the year, if I do end up hurting myself, I’ll have nobody around to help me out.

    5. Cheryl

      I came out of the womb as Gumby. Lemme tell ya that ain’t no picnic either. I hurt myself as much as, if not more than, the inflexible. I still can’t do a cartwheel, so what good is it anyway?

    6. ajm

      Great post! I loved going to yoga . . . until an old lady in class farted doing the downward-facing dog position. No one giggled — they were all so serious and into yoga — but I just couldn’t get over it and had to bite my lip to hold in my laughter. It’s clear evidence that my maturity level is not ready for yoga, whether I can touch my toes or not.

    7. Casey Freeland

      I am superb at Straw That Broke the Camel’s Backbend. I can feel one coming on right now. Actually my back’s out, so maybe tomorrow.

      In P.E. when we’d do the president’s testing an all that, they always double check my back for some disease or another cause I didn’t bend right. No toe touching for me either. I’m more of a couple of two-by-fours hammered together at the waist kind a guy.

      Great post.

      Cheers,

      Casey

    8. Becky

      So buying you a limbo stick for your birthday wasn’t the best idea?

      I actually hit Ben in the eye with his own knee because I never guessed a human could BE that flexible. He was. And is.

    9. Rene/ Not The Rockefellers

      Girl?
      You are a genius!

      I can’t even do a somersault without:
      a) worrying about snapping my neck and becoming paralyzed.
      b) suffering vertigo
      c) worrying about how big my ass looks

      So EAT SAHM Yoga?
      Love!

      Off to by a new yoga outfit…

      Rene

    11. Elizabeth @claritychaos

      It was impossible not to laugh out loud (i’m serious) through that list of yoga poses. I want you to someone combine this piece with the meditation one. And wasn’t there one on feng shui??

      A trifecta of new age parody. 🙂

      (you are wicked smart. you know this, right?)

    12. The Mother

      Now, I saw the first line in the reader and thought, She’s talking about the Grouch! The guy who will only wear one kind of sock, won’t wear denim, needs to have everything exactly the same way every day, and won’t admit that he has a problem.

      So then I find out we’re talking about PHYSICAL inflexibility.

      Sorry. Nevermind.

      Funny, though.

    14. bernthis

      First I will say that it’s 8am my time & coming up with a pithy response has become impossible. That being said, I will say this is hilarious. I know, very original.

    20. Suzy

      My sciatica came back a few months ago AND I HAVE A STEEL ROD IN MY BACK TO PREVENT THAT HAPPENING EVER AGAIN.

      After a few days of bitching at my back, which we all know always works, it occurred to me that it might be because I spend too much time sitting in front of the computer not reading blogs.

      So I stopped and the sciatica hasn’t come back.

    21. The Flying Chalupa

      Oh, Ann, this would be one of your funniest if it weren’t for the fact that you’re so completely miserable. Oh, hell, it’s still one of your funniest. But being in pain is the absolute worst. I have this massive pinched nerve in my shoulder, for which I’ve adopted the Suck Up & Deal Pose. I really should do something about it though.
      ps – the thickest toenail? Thanks for that image.
      pps – Chattarunga? Best word ever.

    25. Everyday Goddess

      Yoga is another four letter word for Pain.

      I know this to be true.

      Bill had the steroid shot recently and is a new man. In a very sexy way.

      Your EAT SAHM Yoga is the only Yoga I might consider doing. FAB!

    27. Coffee with Cathy

      My only yoga experience is getting kicked out of class for talking. But it was too quiet — somebody had to fill the silence!!! Anyway, glad you were able to “bend” (notice clever pun there) yoga to your own nefarious purposes. Brilliant!

    28. One Crafty Mother

      OH MY .. I can’t stop laughing. I so needed this today! This is HYSTERICAL!

      And I was considering old-people yoga as a way to boost my confidence about my own inflexibility.. but I’m moving on to Plan B and I’m just going to do the Happy Mommy Pose instead.

      Thanks for the laughs!!!

    30. Tiaras

      I’m the one who was doing flips all around as a child – still can sometimes but now it makes me want to vomit! Good luck with your back A!

    31. Kate Coveny Hood

      I LOVE this – especially the end. You could write a novelty book on EAT SAHM. Patent that pronto!

      I personally only excel in the areas of physical activity that don’t count in the world at large. For example, I’m incredibly flexible – but the slowest runner on the planet. People on the street notice gazelle like runners – not contortionists who can tie their shoes without bending their knees. Maybe I should join a yoga class where my talents will be more appreciated…

    32. Heather of the EO

      If back pain is associated with repressed emotion, my shoulders are telling me I’m about to explode.

      As per usual, I love this post.

      Oh. And to answer your question about that proposal thing, since I keep forgetting because of my shoulders, YES. YES WE DO.

    34. zeghsy

      With age, I have become less flexible. I can still touch my toes, but the extra 30lbs make it not as comfortable. Monkey however, could eat her toes, yet has somehow morphed into Inflexible Girl. She saves the world, one tiny stretch at a time.

    35. MommyTime

      My husband got a book on yoga for people with back problems (or some similarly drab title), which he found incredibly helpful. He is the least flexible person I know, and after a couple of weeks of these exercises, he felt much much better. It might be worth a try. (Blue haired octogenarians not included.)

    37. Brittany at Mommy Words

      Holy Hell woman you made me laugh so hard with this. Yoga is pain and I do it and hate it and get none of the relaxing benefits I should. Some days I am sort of flexible and some days I am not.

      Much as I love to hug people like you (can’t believe I missed you) the closeness in my yoga classes with the ass of the sweathy dude in front of me overstrentching into my space is just too much!

      So I am going to stick with the EAT SAHM and laugh more in each of my days. And maybe try a class of blue hairs.

      So hope you stay better and yuck – my hubs gets those steroid shots. Not fun!

    38. Lisa

      In the past week, 2 things have made me laugh so hard I had to cross my legs because I had three kids and you know that thing that happens that no one wants to talk about?

      The 2 things were this and a chapter from an old Erma Bombeck book that I keep for my quiet time in the bathroom. Which means when I read her, I didn’t have to cross my legs.

      Poise Pads warnings in the future please.

    39. MOLLYC

      Yes, the “Downward Dog” and the “Plank” nearly sent me to the emergency room. Yoga teachers are guilty of atrocities that it will take something like “60 Minutes” or “Dateline” to uncover. In the meantime, stop those asanas, and carry liniment in your purse. molly

    40. apartments in dubai

      IT was quite common problem in US wright now that people can’t touch their toe including kids. I was one of them. But then I started working out regularly and thankfully I am fit and fine now and can touch all my body parts 🙂