Creative Spastic: Signs! Symptoms! Snacks!

I’m a creative spastic.

Are YOU a creative spastic?

I often make light of my situation, and I’m also prone to assuming you, reader, have some idea what my words mean.

What is a creative spastic? What are the signs and symptoms, and WHAT IS THAT INFERNAL BUZZING NOISE?

A Creative Spastic refers to an organism that beer-bongs energy and then power washes creativity in the universe. This creativity might manifest as rhythmic gymnastics (waving ScoobyDoo-style linked sausages in place of ribbons) upon your neighbor’s trampoline, wearing a union suit, one strappy Jesus sandal, and a turban-style swim cap. Another creative spasm may involve raffia, a Segue scooter and loud chanting of the Mr. Belvidere instrumental theme song. Need I go on?

The Creative Spasm lasts hours or days in which the Creative Spastic devotes any/all available energy, headspace and time in creative pursuit…i.e. organizing bollo ties by color, size, texture, and sexual preference.

If you suspect someone you love is a creative spastic, look for the following signs and symptoms:

Mime typing in casual conversation—when someone doesn’t just say “and then I typed” but instead indicates silently with rapid crawly fingers. Mime typing is often accompanied by fast talking, house cleaning, and in conjunction with telephone conversation.

EXAMPLE

“So friend, oops, hold on (grabs toilet brush) so I thought of the most amazing idea and I didn’t want to forget it. So even though it was midnight I sat straight up in bed and ran to my computer and was all [MIME TYPING] Ah crap, I just dropped the toilet brush hold on…”

Emoticon eyes too wide, blinking, shifty, and in extreme cases—tipping a cowboy hat.

Gravity disrespect rather than walk, the creative spastic levitates and buzzes around the house at shoulder height. Similar to those dreams where you can fly, but it feels like doing the breast stroke–only faster and more animated. Accompanied by loud buzzing and propulsion. Picture my head on a bee body–Like that.THAT IS THE SOURCE OF THE INFERNAL BUZZING.

PHEW!

(TANGENT: autocorrect is anti-semitic. It changes PHEW! Into JEW! At least that is what a friend explained after I received her one-word email JEW! I’m taking her word for it. After responding CHRISTIAN! I’m taking her word for it)

Absence of normal conversation prompts paired with excessive impatience wherein creative spastic starts telling someone a story half-way through and cannot figure out why they aren’t following.

EXAMPLE

Me: So French, Italian, or Tagalog?

Husband: What?

Me: The root for our new last name.

Husband: We’re getting a new last name?

Me: Just for the restaurant.

Husband: What restaurant?

Me: It’s NOT a restaurant. It’s a food cart.

Husband: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

Me: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME (buzzes out the front door, around the block, flies back in through screen door, slams office door.

Loss of relationship to time/space continuum

EXAMPLE

Me: Why hasn’t he emailed me back? I can’t believe I haven’t heard from him. Time to rethink brilliant Scoobysnack rhythmic dancing idea, career trajectory, and gravity BUZZZZZzzzzzzz. Checks sent file: Email sent 7 minutes prior.

Uses fruit leather. Abuses fruit leather. OD’s on fruit leather.

WARNING: Often the creative spasm ends suddenly and existentially. She might appear catatonic and speak only in contractions (Ne’er. O’er, etc…) Do not intervene between her, the Cinnamon Chex, and the teeny-tiny THE POCKET PEMA CHODRON. They all need each other. And a good night’s sleep.